Let Me Fix Your Team: Florida

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh.
After I successfully advised Illinois last week, I’ve decided to take on a bigger challenge this week. They just got embarrassed at home…

Patient: Florida Gators
Status: 3-3 (2-3 in the SEC)
Current Fan Base Mood: Cranky, on the verge of eating bath salts and tearing Will Muschamp’s face off. Also still blaming Urban Meyer for all of their problems.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Season: Losing to Missouri at home during homecoming 42-13. Also the entire offense has been a dumpster fire.

Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well up until the Missouri game I thought head coach Will Muschamp was doing a fantastic job. They had big wins over Eastern Michigan and Kentucky. The Gators also only lost by three touchdowns to Alabama. That’s pretty impressive. Muschamp also led them to a Sugar Bowl a few years ago. In the SEC! I think they won that game, but I’m not quite sure.

But after that game against Missouri it became obvious it was time for the Muschamp era to sadly come to an end for Florida. So many great moments! I look forward to the day they build his statue outside the Swamp. What was sauce for the goose is now for the gander though. Or in this case the Illini. Now you don’t have to lure him away from Gainesville, Illinois!

After Florida fires Muschamp, I have some advice for you Gator fans. You need to make sure you go through each of the 12 steps in the grieving process. I know you’ll feel traumatized after this transpires and I just want you to know it’s not your fault. You tried to work out your differences with Muschamp, but you both wanted different things in life. He has a gypsy soul and likes to travel, while you’re more of homebody (which explains why Florida never leaves the state for non-conference games). Muschamp listens to Lady Gaga and you’re more of a Taylor Swift fan. This is completely normal. The main thing is you tried. Remember that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Speaking of that…

Prescription: You need an offensive mastermind. A guy who can really light a fire under the program and get people talking. You need someone that’s brash, cocky and isn’t afraid of commitment. A real man’s man! That is why I highly recommend you hire Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. First and foremost by hiring Kiffin you immediately bring swag to your program and you stick it to Nick Saban by hiring him away. Remember Kiffin also has head coaching experiencing in the SEC. His 7 wins that season are the most wins Tennessee has had in a season the last five years. He led them to their last bowl game too. Are you not impressed?

Kiffin

To top it all off, by hiring Kiffin that guarantees comedian Daniel Tosh will make jokes about your program. Remember we’re not laughing at you, but with you. I think Florida could use some humor right now. Kiffin is the total package and I don’t see another coach out there that fits the Florida mold as well as Kiffin. Congratulations Florida! You’re not only going to be a successful program again, but also the coolest in college football.

Another satisfied patient! You’re welcome Florida. What lucky team will I help next week? Stay tuned…

Let Me Fix Your Team: Illinois

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh.

So who’s my first lucky patient? Fellow Big Ten brother Illinois!

Patient: Illinois
Status: 3-4 (0-3 Big Ten)
Current Fan Base Mood: Depressed and hopeless. Want Tim Beckman’s head on a platter.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Season: Lost to Purdue at home. Ouch.

Dr. Josh’s Advice: First you need to fire Tim Beckman. That should’ve happened by now. Do you think he’s just going to miraculous turn this season around? Your best player, quarterback Wes Lunt, is done for the season with a broken leg. You lost to freaking Purdue! That’s terrible, even by Illinois standards. You gave Beckman a shot and now it’s time to let him spread his wings and fly back to the MAC.

Second you need to wake up every day with a smile. Just think about the success of the Chicago Cubs, the Chicago Bulls, Jay Cutler, Illinois basketball. On second thought just remind yourselves that at least you’re not Kansas and paying Charlie Weis lots of money to do nothing.

Muschamp

Prescription: Hire Will Muschamp! The last time you hired an ex-Florida coach, things worked out great for you guys. You beat Ohio State and went to the Rose Bowl in the same season! Not even Michigan can say they’ve done both these things in the same season the last 10 years. Nothing can possibly go wrong by hiring another ex-Florida coach. Muschamp even took them to the Sugar Bowl. SEC! That means something. On top of that Muschamp runs a high-octane offense that puts lots of points on the board. Florida fans can’t get enough of his charisma and charming personality. When he leaves Gainesville there’s going to be so many tears running down the faces of Gator fans. He’s the greatest coach they’ve had since Urban Meyer. This is a no-lose hire. It’s a match made in heaven! So it’s settled. You’re hiring Muschamp and going straight to the top, Illinois! I guarantee it.

The first of many satisfied patients! You’re welcome Illinois fans. Let me know what team I should examine the next week in the comments.

MotSaG TV Guide

All right, everybody, it’s week two! Time to stop losing to FCS schools and turning in mildly disappointing performances that do not meet all of your fans’ absurd expectations!

Thursday

10:00pm

Sacramento State at Arizona State. Don’t worry about the late kickoff, this game isn’t likely to be on your TV anyway. So why would I include it on a list of games I think you should watch? Well, for starters, there are no other good options tonight, but more importantly, Sacramento State is one of two FCS schools who beat FBS opponents in 2011 and 2012. The other one? North Dakota State, who just beat Kansas State in last weekend’s Dawn of the Living Sisters of the Poor. Working in the Sun Devils’ favor here is the fact that Sac State got shut out by San Jose State last week. (Pac-12 Network, which is a thing I guess)

Friday

8:00pm

[Read more…]