Let Me Fix Your Team: Illinois

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh.

So who’s my first lucky patient? Fellow Big Ten brother Illinois!

Patient: Illinois
Status: 3-4 (0-3 Big Ten)
Current Fan Base Mood: Depressed and hopeless. Want Tim Beckman’s head on a platter.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Season: Lost to Purdue at home. Ouch.

Dr. Josh’s Advice: First you need to fire Tim Beckman. That should’ve happened by now. Do you think he’s just going to miraculous turn this season around? Your best player, quarterback Wes Lunt, is done for the season with a broken leg. You lost to freaking Purdue! That’s terrible, even by Illinois standards. You gave Beckman a shot and now it’s time to let him spread his wings and fly back to the MAC.

Second you need to wake up every day with a smile. Just think about the success of the Chicago Cubs, the Chicago Bulls, Jay Cutler, Illinois basketball. On second thought just remind yourselves that at least you’re not Kansas and paying Charlie Weis lots of money to do nothing.


Prescription: Hire Will Muschamp! The last time you hired an ex-Florida coach, things worked out great for you guys. You beat Ohio State and went to the Rose Bowl in the same season! Not even Michigan can say they’ve done both these things in the same season the last 10 years. Nothing can possibly go wrong by hiring another ex-Florida coach. Muschamp even took them to the Sugar Bowl. SEC! That means something. On top of that Muschamp runs a high-octane offense that puts lots of points on the board. Florida fans can’t get enough of his charisma and charming personality. When he leaves Gainesville there’s going to be so many tears running down the faces of Gator fans. He’s the greatest coach they’ve had since Urban Meyer. This is a no-lose hire. It’s a match made in heaven! So it’s settled. You’re hiring Muschamp and going straight to the top, Illinois! I guarantee it.

The first of many satisfied patients! You’re welcome Illinois fans. Let me know what team I should examine the next week in the comments.


  1. […] through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh. After I successfully advised Illinois last week, I’ve decided to take on a bigger challenge this week. They just got embarrassed at […]

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