Let Me Fix Your Team: Florida

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh.
After I successfully advised Illinois last week, I’ve decided to take on a bigger challenge this week. They just got embarrassed at home…

Patient: Florida Gators
Status: 3-3 (2-3 in the SEC)
Current Fan Base Mood: Cranky, on the verge of eating bath salts and tearing Will Muschamp’s face off. Also still blaming Urban Meyer for all of their problems.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Season: Losing to Missouri at home during homecoming 42-13. Also the entire offense has been a dumpster fire.

Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well up until the Missouri game I thought head coach Will Muschamp was doing a fantastic job. They had big wins over Eastern Michigan and Kentucky. The Gators also only lost by three touchdowns to Alabama. That’s pretty impressive. Muschamp also led them to a Sugar Bowl a few years ago. In the SEC! I think they won that game, but I’m not quite sure.

But after that game against Missouri it became obvious it was time for the Muschamp era to sadly come to an end for Florida. So many great moments! I look forward to the day they build his statue outside the Swamp. What was sauce for the goose is now for the gander though. Or in this case the Illini. Now you don’t have to lure him away from Gainesville, Illinois!

After Florida fires Muschamp, I have some advice for you Gator fans. You need to make sure you go through each of the 12 steps in the grieving process. I know you’ll feel traumatized after this transpires and I just want you to know it’s not your fault. You tried to work out your differences with Muschamp, but you both wanted different things in life. He has a gypsy soul and likes to travel, while you’re more of homebody (which explains why Florida never leaves the state for non-conference games). Muschamp listens to Lady Gaga and you’re more of a Taylor Swift fan. This is completely normal. The main thing is you tried. Remember that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Speaking of that…

Prescription: You need an offensive mastermind. A guy who can really light a fire under the program and get people talking. You need someone that’s brash, cocky and isn’t afraid of commitment. A real man’s man! That is why I highly recommend you hire Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. First and foremost by hiring Kiffin you immediately bring swag to your program and you stick it to Nick Saban by hiring him away. Remember Kiffin also has head coaching experiencing in the SEC. His 7 wins that season are the most wins Tennessee has had in a season the last five years. He led them to their last bowl game too. Are you not impressed?


To top it all off, by hiring Kiffin that guarantees comedian Daniel Tosh will make jokes about your program. Remember we’re not laughing at you, but with you. I think Florida could use some humor right now. Kiffin is the total package and I don’t see another coach out there that fits the Florida mold as well as Kiffin. Congratulations Florida! You’re not only going to be a successful program again, but also the coolest in college football.

Another satisfied patient! You’re welcome Florida. What lucky team will I help next week? Stay tuned…

College Football is Finally Here: B1G Preview for the Weekend Ahead

After many long months of waiting college football season has finally arrived! As much as I love baseball, college football holds a special place in my heart. I especially enjoy watching B1G football.

Every year the B1G is expected to step it up and produce some impressive results on the field, with this year being no different from the rest. Last year the conference was hurt by two of its most illustrious programs, Penn State and Ohio State, being punished with bowl bans. Now that the Buckeyes have served their penalty, high expectations return to Columbus. Ohio State is the consensus favorite to not only win the conference, but run the table and play for it all in Pasadena. As far as the next best team in the B1G? That’s anybody’s guess.

In the Leaders Division Wisconsin lost Montee Ball, but have 10 other Wisconsin-like running backs waiting in the wings (namely James White and Melvin Gordon). Penn State is in year two of their bowl ban and break in two new quarterbacks. Indiana has a lot of starters returning to the team and the pressure is on head coach Kevin Wilson to get the team to a bowl game. Illinois head coach Tim Beckham is already on the hot seat in Champaign, despite the fact that its only his second season with the program. Purdue breaks in new head coach Darrell Hazel (former Buckeye coach) and look to begin rebuilding their program.

In the Legends Division Nebraska has Taylor Martinez return for what feels like his 10th year in the program, but their defense is a huge question mark. Michigan State is the exact opposite of Nebraska. They have a great defense, but four different players competed for the QB position. Northwestern is receiving the most preseason hype in decades, but many are unsure if they can handle the high expectations. Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz has been getting bashed by the media and fans all offseason and looks to silence the doubters. Minnesota looks to continue to build off their 6-6 season last year and move up the ladder in the conference. And the team up north finally has an actual quarterback again, but do they have enough to be considered an elite team?

Enough chatter, let’s get to the opening week games:

Thursday, August 29

Indiana State @ Indiana – If this was a basketball game taking place in the 70’s, with Larry Bird lacing it up for the Sycamores, I would be pretty psyched about this game. But instead it’s a football game in 2013. Even though I’m not thrilled about this match-up, these two actually played a tight game last season in the opener. Indiana only won 24-17 and only led by a touchdown at halftime also. I expect Indiana to learn from last season and dispatch Indiana State with ease.

UNLV @ Minnesota – This is another non-conference rematch from last season. And it was even closer. Minnesota needed triple overtime to defeat the Rebels, 30-27. Close games like this are what make the B1G look bad. B1G teams aren’t supposed to have close games with teams like UNLV. I hope the Golden Gophers win this game, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is another close game.

Friday, August 30

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