By: Ryan Black
It’s been awhile since I was able to write anything about those handsome boys in the gray pants. When we last met, I was handing out my first annual Negative Big Ten Awards as the Buckeyes were heading down South to take on you know who in the Sugar Bowl. Two games later, Ohio State was a National Champion for the second time in my miserable life.
There maybe two or three of you who actually remember my blog (hi Mom, hi Wife!), so here is a refresher- I’m not a glass half full kind of guy. To be honest, I’m more of a that glass is half empty and drinking it’s contents will probably give you listeria. So little surprise to myself, I can’t help but look at the downside of the Bucks winning it all and how it has affected me in a negative way.
Here’s 8 Reasons Why Winning the National Title Kind of Sucks:
8. Paying tribute is expensive and time consuming
T-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, shot glasses, socks, posters- It goes without saying that any true Buckeye must show off a new national title in every way to anybody who enters their house, I just wish I didn’t have to pay $11.99 for a one inch glass to put my Old Crow in.
I also decided to take it a step further and honor the 2015 champs with a weekly meal in honor of a different Buckeye player every Saturday until College Football starts again. I thought this awesome idea would help keep me “in season” during the dreaded time of mid-January until late-August. It started off well enough the first couple weeks. Bosa’s Bourbon Chicken, Zeke’s Steak Through the Heart of the South, Bell’s Stuffed Peppers were all huge hits. Unfortunately, we are 24 weeks later and I am running out of starters and alliteration ideas!
Now I am down to special teams and backups, what the hell can I make with Sean Nuernberger? This has been a very frustrating issue for me. But, I won’t dare give up this late in the game. I have 5 weeks left and if my wife has to eat Sam Hubbard’s Head Cheese Sandwich next Saturday, so be it.
7. I have an excuse to drink, every single night
This one is a personal problem and will most likely last until Ohio State is no longer the defending champ. When a person debates whether an alcoholic drink is a good idea for the evening, a little voice in their head pops up and asks one question, “Is it worth it?” On weeknights this used to be a pretty easy question to answer for me. Of course it’s not worth it. The calories, the hangover, taking years off your life etc…
Now all that logic is overpowered by a big voice in my head, “Dude, we’re still national champs, drink up bud.”
Which leads directly into my next problem:
6. I can’t stop watching this video
Writing this sober, I’m cringing just thinking about this video. I’ve watched it so many times and I am so sick of it. Every word, every music note, every play I have memorized and it’s getting ridiculous. I’d rather die than watch this another time but I know the second I take a sip of alcohol, I’ll have a sudden urge to watch this near 30 minute video. I need help, I really do.
The national title run is literally ruining my mind.
5. Getting praise is awful
In life there aren’t many things worse than getting a pat on the back or a congratulations from somebody in my opinion. I like the idea that everybody hates me and my team, it’s kind of fun. All the talk now is, “Ohio State is the favorite”, Ohio State is the most talented, Ohio State is blah blah blah“….
My favorite part of the last decade was watching experts and opposing fan bases doubt the Buckeyes. Picking against my team or insinuating that the men of the scarlet and gray were slow football players fueled me to get up in the morning. I knew that my boys would eventually shut them up and prove them wrong.
Now that they have stifled the haters, I kind of wish they’d start talking again. Please tell me that Urban can’t develop a running game and that Ohio State’s skill players can’t hang with Oregon or the SEC!
I don’t have a reason to breathe anymore.
4. Comparison to other favorite teams
Another problem with one of your teams being the best, is you have to compare them to all your other favorite squads. It was so frustrating for me to see the basketball Bucks lack of heart, the Browns lack of everything and the Blue Jackets… Well the Blue Jackets whole team basically got AIDS.
It doesn’t make me appreciate Urban and the football Bucks any more, it makes me want to slap these underachievers until they finally get it.
3. Sick realization of Time
Thinking back about how epic this 14/15 squad was makes one put it into perspective. Then you realize that a lot of these players weren’t even born when Space Jam came out.
Kids who were born almost a decade after me are now winning national championships…
2. I need to get a new pet
Last summer I was blessed to receive a second dog in the Negabuck family. This fat, stupid and sometimes smelly beast fit in perfectly in my family. With no motivation/passion/reason to live, I didn’t really care what we named the new girl. The wife took over and named the slob after some hot British singer.
If only we would have waited a few more months! How great of a fan would I have been if I was able to name my girl after a member of the 2015 Freaking National Champs?! None of you could hold a candle to me then. I’ve been begging my wife for a new addition to the family but I keep getting denied (Hell, at least give me a goldfish). It’s unbelievable how unfortunate I am. I’ve now resorted to calling the neighborhood skunk, who swings by driveway every now and then to give me a stroke, Joey B.
In the past few months there has been a sort-of-positive development in this naming department- Mrs. Negabuck is pregnant! This is a great opportunity for me to leap back into the upper echelon of Ohio State fans with a perfect unisex name for the child- Elliott.
photo: USA Today
Of course, as is tradition, this cruel world gets the last laugh. The little jerk is due to pop out the week of the national title game.
1. No more Underdog
Pessimists like myself love no lose situations. When Ohio State went up to Michigan State with an extremely young team or played Wisconsin, Alabama and Oregon with a third stringer at QB, all the pressure was on the Buckeye opponent. Nobody picked the good guys and that’s the way I like it.
This year, Ohio State will be the villains in every game until they lose. If I’ve learned anything from sports movies, it’s that the favorites are evil and always lose in the end. Examples:
The Hawks in The Mighty Ducks
Apollo Creed in Rocky
The Monstars in Space Jam
Team Iceland in The Mighty Ducks 2
The Germans in Beerfest
The White Sox in Major League 2
The Cops in The Longest Yard
The Varsity team in The Mighty Ducks 3
Nobody rooted for these villians and I’m not sure I can be a part of a season where I have to cheer for a similar squad. I can’t handle the anxiety of having the whole country go bananas when my team loses. Especially not into today’s social media driven world… I won’t have it.
Whatever, let’s do it again.
Here’s to another one in 2016 Boys and Girls…