Let Me Fix Your Team: Florida

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh.
After I successfully advised Illinois last week, I’ve decided to take on a bigger challenge this week. They just got embarrassed at home…

Patient: Florida Gators
Status: 3-3 (2-3 in the SEC)
Current Fan Base Mood: Cranky, on the verge of eating bath salts and tearing Will Muschamp’s face off. Also still blaming Urban Meyer for all of their problems.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Season: Losing to Missouri at home during homecoming 42-13. Also the entire offense has been a dumpster fire.

Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well up until the Missouri game I thought head coach Will Muschamp was doing a fantastic job. They had big wins over Eastern Michigan and Kentucky. The Gators also only lost by three touchdowns to Alabama. That’s pretty impressive. Muschamp also led them to a Sugar Bowl a few years ago. In the SEC! I think they won that game, but I’m not quite sure.

But after that game against Missouri it became obvious it was time for the Muschamp era to sadly come to an end for Florida. So many great moments! I look forward to the day they build his statue outside the Swamp. What was sauce for the goose is now for the gander though. Or in this case the Illini. Now you don’t have to lure him away from Gainesville, Illinois!

After Florida fires Muschamp, I have some advice for you Gator fans. You need to make sure you go through each of the 12 steps in the grieving process. I know you’ll feel traumatized after this transpires and I just want you to know it’s not your fault. You tried to work out your differences with Muschamp, but you both wanted different things in life. He has a gypsy soul and likes to travel, while you’re more of homebody (which explains why Florida never leaves the state for non-conference games). Muschamp listens to Lady Gaga and you’re more of a Taylor Swift fan. This is completely normal. The main thing is you tried. Remember that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Speaking of that…

Prescription: You need an offensive mastermind. A guy who can really light a fire under the program and get people talking. You need someone that’s brash, cocky and isn’t afraid of commitment. A real man’s man! That is why I highly recommend you hire Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. First and foremost by hiring Kiffin you immediately bring swag to your program and you stick it to Nick Saban by hiring him away. Remember Kiffin also has head coaching experiencing in the SEC. His 7 wins that season are the most wins Tennessee has had in a season the last five years. He led them to their last bowl game too. Are you not impressed?


To top it all off, by hiring Kiffin that guarantees comedian Daniel Tosh will make jokes about your program. Remember we’re not laughing at you, but with you. I think Florida could use some humor right now. Kiffin is the total package and I don’t see another coach out there that fits the Florida mold as well as Kiffin. Congratulations Florida! You’re not only going to be a successful program again, but also the coolest in college football.

Another satisfied patient! You’re welcome Florida. What lucky team will I help next week? Stay tuned…

The Spread, Week 3: An L For An L

This weekend, Alabama and Texas A&M meet for a much-anticipated follow-up to last year’s thrilling game, a surprise Aggie upset that put Johnny Manziel on the map, for better or worse. Okay, definitely for worse.

Alabama is loaded again this year and still coached by Nick Saban, the Dark Lord of College Football. It’s no secret that Saban is a great coach, but he is especially adept at revenge. In fact, if there’s one thing that makes Nick Saban happy (if that is indeed an emotion he is capable of experiencing), I’d bet it’s beating the tar out of a team who bested him in their previous meeting.

I’ve examined Saban’s career as a head coach, from Michigan State through the present day (he was only at Toledo for a year, so there were no revenge opportunities), and I have found that Saban has a career Revenge Percentage of 71%. This is pretty good, considering his early MSU days were not kind to him. If you ignore his time with the Spartans, that number jumps to a staggering 88.2%, as he has lost just two revenge opportunities since the year 2000. With Alabama, he is currently at an impressive 87.5% (which would increase to 88.9% with a win this weekend).

But enough about those SEC jerks, what about our own favorite and least favorite coaches?

While Urban Meyer would first have to lose a game at Ohio State before he could avenge said hypothetical loss, it’s not a bad idea to check into his history with such things, just so we’re prepared. And it’s no surprise that I have good news: Meyer has a career Revenge Percentage of 80%, with only two losses ever, both at Florida (one to Nick Saban). This is a reflection of two qualities that have made Meyer such a successful coach: he doesn’t lose much and his teams tend to improve, especially from his first year to his second.

On the flip side, there’s Brady Hoke, who has done more than his fair share of losing. One need only look at his days at Ball State and San Deigo State to see that success does not come as easily for That Coach Up North. Neither does vengeance, as Hoke’s career Revenge Percentage sits at a mediocre 51.5%. A bright spot for Wolverine fans: He is 3-0 at UM so far, including last weekend’s victory over Notre Dame. It may be difficult for Hoke to maintain that perfection for long though, with revenge games against Nebraska and Ohio State (and possibly South Carolina?) still to come this season.