Let Me Fix Your Team – Michigan Wolverines

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper before. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh! After helping Florida with their problems, I decided to take on an even bigger problem this week. It’s my toughest patient yet…

Patient: Michigan Wolverines
Status: 3-5 (1-3 in Big Ten)
Current Fan Base Mood: Most of the fan base is starting to realize their program hasn’t been relevant in decades, which has led to depression and heavy drinking. Also: #FireHoke #FireBrandon
Most Embarrassing Moments: Getting shutout by Notre Dame, losing to Minnesota, concussion management of Shane Morris, Brady Hoke’s press conferences, Dave Brandon in general, getting beat by their “little brother” (Mike Hart’s words, not mine) Michigan State, Devin “Pastry Chef” Gardner serving up turnovers and suffering a humiliating blowout loss to Ohio State. Wait that last one hasn’t happened. Yet.

Devin the Pastry Chef

Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well it’s good to hear Michigan fans are starting to accept what they are: a shell of how great their program was back when they were winning multiple national titles in the 1800s when there were only two other teams playing football. People say Notre Dame has issues with this, but at least they went to a national championship game in the last decade (even though they got smoked). Anyway the point is accepting your football team sucks is the first step.

Next you need to go out into the wilderness and go on a spiritual quest to discover who should be the true “Michigan Man” to lead your program back to being great. Of course the wilderness you’ll probably be taking your journey in is located in Ohio because that’s where the greatest Michigan Man ever came from. Come to think of it most great coaches around the country come from Ohio (Urban, Tressel, Stoops, Miles, etc.).

One more thing: I know it’s going to be tough getting through the rest of the season, so you might as well pick up some Domino’s pizza and a Coca-Cola. You should at least have some comfort food in your time of misery.

Prescription: As a certified college football doctor, I’ve sat back and watched fans along with “experts” say who should be the next head coach at Michigan. I laugh at these suggestions though because they’re all wrong. The Harbaugh brothers seem like fine gentlemen, but they don’t fit the recent competitive culture of the program. You’re overreaching and they’re unlikely to leave the NFL. Then there’s Les Miles, who is from Ohio and has previous ties to the program of course. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Wrong! He’s currently a head coach in the SEC, which is the greatest conference God has ever delivered to mankind according to Paul Finebaum and the College Football Playoff Committee. You can lose three games in that conference and still compete for a national title. No way he’s leaving easy street.

Rich & Les

Last, but not least I’ve seen Ron Zook’s name thrown out there as a “joke” candidate. That’s just wrong, man. This is a serious situation and as you know I take my job quite seriously. Just look at the fine prescriptions I made for Illinois and Florida. Their fans have done nothing but praise my miracle work.

I have the perfect coach in mind for the University of Michigan. This man was born right in Ann Arbor, Michigan! He’s fairly young at 49 years old and played at Michigan State in college. In fact he was a starting center for three years and earned All-Big 10 Conference honors. He was the co-captain of the team when they defeated USC in the Rose Bowl in his senior season. Not only a great player, but a great student too! He was the first ever graduate student to play on the football team at Michigan State. In addition to this Big Ten experience and hometown lineage, he has three years experience of being a head coach in the NFL and is currently the offensive coordinator for one of the hottest offenses in the league. Aren’t you dying to know who this is?

Can I get a drumroll please? This man deserves it!

This mystery man and the guy I feel should be the next head coach of the Michigan Wolverines is…

Pat Shurmur!


You won’t find another coach that battles as hard as this guy. He battled so hard that the Browns had to fire him because they knew he was going to deliver success and battle them to Super Bowls, something that the football gods won’t allow. So I’m going to list the reasons this is a homerun hire: 1) He’s forthright and open about injuries, something that is the exact opposite of Hoke. Proof? This quote describes Shurmur after his first preseason game with the Browns: “When his first game was over, he was open about injuries and honest in his assessment of individual players.” 2) You would be sticking it to your rival Michigan State, just like you stuck that spike in their field before losing to them last Saturday, which led to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio sticking a late touchdown right up Michigan’s…. well you know. 3) It would bring back to life the once greatest parody account in Twitter history, fake Pat Shurmur. Fake Shurmur could then have epic Twitter battles with the current greatest parody account, Fake Bo Pelini. So if you’re losing you still get entertainment!

I don’t think I need to list any more reasons at this point because you’re probably at Shurmur’s front porch right now begging him to come to Michigan. In fact since you guys like hashtags so much, here’s one for you: #ShurmurToMichigan. I’m a genius!

Happy Halloween Michigan fans! For next week’s post I would like to take questions from you the appreciative audience. It’ll be a Q&A session where Dr. Josh can solve any problems you may have or are curious about. You can put those questions in the comments sections below or send them to Twitter: @SchottJosh. Be sure to send some questions!

The Best of the B1G, #14 Devin Gardner

b1g_iconDevin Gardner Jr. Quarterback University of Michigan

Devin officially takes over being the starting qb of the Wolverines this year. Having started the final 5 games for the Maize and Blue last year for an injured Denard Robinson, Gardner inherits the full time leadership role due to Robinson’s departure. Gardner changed the dynamics of Michigan’s offense running Brady Hoke’s pro style offense. While Robinson was pretty much a pure running QB Gardner is a dual threat but more of a passer.

Devin showed in the final five games he has a strong arm, completing 75 passes out of 126 attempts,passing for 1,219 yards and accounting for 22 touchdowns (threw for 11 td’s). Giving him a QB Rating of 161.7 percent averaging 243.8 yards passing a game. He also threw 5 INTS one in each contest. Gardner only ran for 100 yards in those 5 games averaging 2.1 yards per carry. If he played in all 13 games he would have had over 3000 yards passing easily.

Gardner is projected as the third best quarterback in the B1G behind Ohio State’s Braxton Miller and Nebraska’s Taylor Martinez. Devin is going to be facing a tougher B1G schedule than those two QB’s. Having to face 5 of the B1G’s projected top secondaries out of his 8 conference games. Miller and Martinez only have 2 match-ups against those same projections.

Devin Gardner is going to be the key to Michigan’s chances of being a championship caliber team as he states they are. His touchdown/interception ratio for the five games he started were good being 11/5 but he has a problem holding on to the football. He showed last season against Ohio State’s defense, which should be better, he struggled only throwing (season lows) for 171 yards, one touchdown, and one interception. If Devin cuts down on his turnovers he could be inserting his name into the Heisman talk. He is lucky in having his LT Taylor Lewan (one of the best in the NCAA) coming back to protect his blind side.

Devin Gardner’s best College Game:

Previously on MotSaG’s Best of the B1G
#15 Kenny Bell
Best of the B1G, #20-16
Best of the B1G, #25-21

Devin Gardner Says The Darndest Things (Guest Post)

Football(This is a guest post by James E, one of the applicants for the recently open positions on the MotSaG staff.)

The summer months are upon us and this means only one thing — football season is just around the corner — and so is The Game.

While things are heating up in the air and on the field, they are also heating up in the trash talking department. And that team up north has decided to fire the first salvo, coming from the first year starting quarterback from the Wolverines, Devin Gardner.

Gardner got interviewed earlier this week and was asked what Michigan’s chances are against Ohio State:

“We always have room for improvement, but this is definitely a championship caliber football team that will win in the Big House against Ohio State. We don’t feel we’re inferior to anyone in the country, and we’re going to give it our all.”

I admire his courage and passion, doing his best to rally the troops for this upcoming season, but let me show him his predecessor’s stats against Ohio State during his freshman year: Lost 37-7, failed to register a passing or rushing touchdown, rushed for 105 yards on 18 carries, and only managed a meager 87 passing yards. Not too mention that he was injured and had to be replace by Tate Forcier.

His words will obviously add fuel to fire for The Rivalry as Ohio State continues their winning ways with Urban Meyer at the helm and Brady Hoke will do his best to course correct the football program with a paltry record of 2-9 against the Buckeyes in the past eleven seasons.

Legendary OSU coach Schmidt was asked if they had any chances of beating Michigan. He said (paraphrased) that they put their pants on just like us — one leg at a time. From the time the rivalry started in 1897, Michigan had wiped the floor with the Buckeyes. From the start and up to the end of the 1920’s, the Wolverines owned Ohio State with a record of 19-5-2. Even from 1930-1933, Michigan won 3 out 4, while claiming 2 national championships.

Enter Coach Schmidt in 1934, where the Buckeyes rattled off four straight shutout victories over Michigan with a combined score of 112-0. Schmidt’s pants quote started a tradition. Since 1934, Buckeye players will receive a gold pants pendant for every victory over Michigan.

Well, Ohio State has the bigger pants and when the dust settles on November 30th, I hope Gardner and his fellow MeatChicken Wolverines are hungry because we’re going to have a big bowl of crow for them to munch on.

Buckeyes Need The Wolverines to be Good [Guest Post]

OSU Football(This is a guest post by Shannon S, one of many applicants for the recently open positions on the MotSaG staff.)

Can’t believe I actually just wrote that but its true. Recently, Devin Gardner was quoted as saying:

“We always have room for improvement, but this is definitely a championship-caliber football team that will win in the Big House against Ohio State,” Gardner said. “We don’t feel we’re inferior to anyone in the country, and we’re going to give it our all.”

Yes, this is good bulletin board material for the Buckeyes (not that they need much for The Game). Both teams’ players and coaching staffs get the importance of the best rivalry in college football.

A little while ago, I came across an article written by Lisa Horne on Bleacher Report talking about the Buckeyes weak 2013 schedule. I agree with her point that Ohio State does have a weak schedule. However, I will have to disagree with her thought there is only one tough game for the Buckeyes:

“The most dangerous team on Ohio State’s schedule is Northwestern. The Wildcats return 17 starters after posting a 10-3 record that included a 34-20 Gator Bowl victory over Mississippi State.”

Northwestern had a great year last season but this year’s schedule isn’t going to be so friendly. They start the B1G off at home against the Buckeyes (after an off week) and then have to travel to Wisconsin, who is a question mark with a new coach. The Wildcats will have another tough stretch playing at Nebraska, followed by two home games versus Michigan and Michigan St. Last season the two losses Northwestern had was against Nebraska and Michigan. Northwestern didn’t play Ohio State.

I contest that Michigan will be Ohio State’s most dangerous team to face in 2013. I agree that Northwestern will be a tough game for the Buckeyes but I envision Michigan winning the Legends Division, thus helping Ohio State reach the National Championship game by having to play the Buckeyes two weeks in a row. Michigan has a decent schedule. They play Notre Dame, who played in National Championship game in 2012, at home. Michigan’s toughest B1G road game is against Northwestern and have to play host to Nebraska and Ohio State. There is a real possibility of Ohio State and Michigan meeting this year both being undefeated for their match in The Big House. That would set up a rematch the following week in the B1G championship game. This is what the B1G wanted and possibly will get in the final season of the Legends and Leaders division before the realignment takes effect in 2014.

I am hoping for the Buckeye’s sake that Michigan is a championship caliber team. Everyone says the B1G is weak. It’s getting cliche at this point. After seeing these two team with Top 5 recruiting classes this past year, I am excited that this rivalry has the potential to get to where it was once before. As hard as it is for a team to go undefeated one year, let alone back to back years, this Ohio State team has the best shot to do it. Urban Meyer is a great head coach and knows how to get the best out of his players and he has a ton of talent on this team. Wins against Michigan in the Big House and on a neutral field will definitely propel the Buckeyes and will end the discussion if they belong or not.