Let Me Fix Your Team – Michigan Wolverines

October 31, 2014 by Leave a Comment

I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper before. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh! After helping Florida with their problems, I decided to take on an even bigger problem this week. It’s my toughest patient yet…

Patient: Michigan Wolverines
Status: 3-5 (1-3 in Big Ten)
Current Fan Base Mood: Most of the fan base is starting to realize their program hasn’t been relevant in decades, which has led to depression and heavy drinking. Also: #FireHoke #FireBrandon
Most Embarrassing Moments: Getting shutout by Notre Dame, losing to Minnesota, concussion management of Shane Morris, Brady Hoke’s press conferences, Dave Brandon in general, getting beat by their “little brother” (Mike Hart’s words, not mine) Michigan State, Devin “Pastry Chef” Gardner serving up turnovers and suffering a humiliating blowout loss to Ohio State. Wait that last one hasn’t happened. Yet.

Devin the Pastry Chef

Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well it’s good to hear Michigan fans are starting to accept what they are: a shell of how great their program was back when they were winning multiple national titles in the 1800s when there were only two other teams playing football. People say Notre Dame has issues with this, but at least they went to a national championship game in the last decade (even though they got smoked). Anyway the point is accepting your football team sucks is the first step.

Next you need to go out into the wilderness and go on a spiritual quest to discover who should be the true “Michigan Man” to lead your program back to being great. Of course the wilderness you’ll probably be taking your journey in is located in Ohio because that’s where the greatest Michigan Man ever came from. Come to think of it most great coaches around the country come from Ohio (Urban, Tressel, Stoops, Miles, etc.).

One more thing: I know it’s going to be tough getting through the rest of the season, so you might as well pick up some Domino’s pizza and a Coca-Cola. You should at least have some comfort food in your time of misery.

Prescription: As a certified college football doctor, I’ve sat back and watched fans along with “experts” say who should be the next head coach at Michigan. I laugh at these suggestions though because they’re all wrong. The Harbaugh brothers seem like fine gentlemen, but they don’t fit the recent competitive culture of the program. You’re overreaching and they’re unlikely to leave the NFL. Then there’s Les Miles, who is from Ohio and has previous ties to the program of course. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Wrong! He’s currently a head coach in the SEC, which is the greatest conference God has ever delivered to mankind according to Paul Finebaum and the College Football Playoff Committee. You can lose three games in that conference and still compete for a national title. No way he’s leaving easy street.

Rich & Les

Last, but not least I’ve seen Ron Zook’s name thrown out there as a “joke” candidate. That’s just wrong, man. This is a serious situation and as you know I take my job quite seriously. Just look at the fine prescriptions I made for Illinois and Florida. Their fans have done nothing but praise my miracle work.

I have the perfect coach in mind for the University of Michigan. This man was born right in Ann Arbor, Michigan! He’s fairly young at 49 years old and played at Michigan State in college. In fact he was a starting center for three years and earned All-Big 10 Conference honors. He was the co-captain of the team when they defeated USC in the Rose Bowl in his senior season. Not only a great player, but a great student too! He was the first ever graduate student to play on the football team at Michigan State. In addition to this Big Ten experience and hometown lineage, he has three years experience of being a head coach in the NFL and is currently the offensive coordinator for one of the hottest offenses in the league. Aren’t you dying to know who this is?

Can I get a drumroll please? This man deserves it!

This mystery man and the guy I feel should be the next head coach of the Michigan Wolverines is…

Pat Shurmur!

Shurmurnator

You won’t find another coach that battles as hard as this guy. He battled so hard that the Browns had to fire him because they knew he was going to deliver success and battle them to Super Bowls, something that the football gods won’t allow. So I’m going to list the reasons this is a homerun hire: 1) He’s forthright and open about injuries, something that is the exact opposite of Hoke. Proof? This quote describes Shurmur after his first preseason game with the Browns: “When his first game was over, he was open about injuries and honest in his assessment of individual players.” 2) You would be sticking it to your rival Michigan State, just like you stuck that spike in their field before losing to them last Saturday, which led to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio sticking a late touchdown right up Michigan’s…. well you know. 3) It would bring back to life the once greatest parody account in Twitter history, fake Pat Shurmur. Fake Shurmur could then have epic Twitter battles with the current greatest parody account, Fake Bo Pelini. So if you’re losing you still get entertainment!

I don’t think I need to list any more reasons at this point because you’re probably at Shurmur’s front porch right now begging him to come to Michigan. In fact since you guys like hashtags so much, here’s one for you: #ShurmurToMichigan. I’m a genius!

Happy Halloween Michigan fans! For next week’s post I would like to take questions from you the appreciative audience. It’ll be a Q&A session where Dr. Josh can solve any problems you may have or are curious about. You can put those questions in the comments sections below or send them to Twitter: @SchottJosh. Be sure to send some questions!

Filed Under: B1G Football, College Football Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The B1G Is In BIG Trouble On The Coaching Front

September 17, 2014 by Leave a Comment

There is an old axiom that football teams take upon the personality of their head coach. For Ohio State fans, think back to when Jim Tressel was on the sidelines as Ohio State’s head coach from 2001-2010. During close games, most especially during the 2002 national championship season, Tressel remained calm and composed. Consequently, a player such as Craig Krenzel seemed to also remain calm and focused, especially when the game was on the line for the Buckeyes.

This article is not going to be about how Ohio State has taken upon the personality of Coach Urban Meyer. Ohio State fans, and college football fans everywhere, will generally acknowledge that Coach Meyer is one of the best coaches in college football. Ohio State does not have to worry about the positive direction of the football program under Coach Meyer.

The rest of the B1G? I will be charitable when I say, “Ugh”.

There are so many theories that are being offered up for the decline of B1G football – Population shifts to the Southern areas of the country. Oversigning of recruits by other conferences, most notably from the SEC.

My theory? It all starts with the coaching, or lack thereof.

For example, here are some of the names who were B1G coaches in 2004: The aforementioned Jim Tressel. Lloyd Carr, who shared the national title in 1997, and won five B1G titles during his tenure. Joe Paterno, who won two national championships while at Penn State (1982, 1986), and could have arguably won others, such as the 1994 season. Joe Tiller, who won the B1G title in 2000 and led Purdue to the 2001 Rose Bowl. Barry Alvarez, who built Wisconsin football into a top program and won three B1G titles. Glen Mason, who made every school he coached at into a competitive team (Kent State, Kansas, Minnesota). Randy Walker, the winningest coach in Miami University football history and the man who helped to make Northwestern competitive via the spread offense.

Now think about who is on the sidelines today: Only a few truly respected coaches, such as Coach Meyer. James Franklin has won at Vanderbilt, and will win at Penn State. Mark Dantonio won the B1G in 2013 and his Michigan State team ranked fourth in the nation at season’s end.

The reality is the rest of the conference have entrusted their programs to individuals who are not necessarily in-demand on the coaching front. I believe Darrell Hazell of Purdue has potential, but will Hazell be able to turn Purdue around? Pat Fitzgerald may have done all he can at Northwestern. Jerry Kill may have done the same at Minnesota. I believe Brady Hoke is demonstrating to fans of That Team Up North what is meant by The Peter Principle. And Kirk Ferentz of Iowa, who has been the team’s head coach since 1999, has a contract that makes it virtually impossible to be replaced. Tim Beckman of Illinois has taken a bad situation from Ron Zook, and somehow made it worse.

December is usually when programs determine to replace their head coaches. Based upon the dismal performances and reputation of B1G football in 2014, do not be surprised if the axe falls more frequently than ever before. What remains to be seen is if the respective B1G institutions decide to open up their checkbooks to truly bring in quality coaches, like other conferences seem to be willing to do to be relevant within the college football landscape.

Filed Under: Ohio State Football Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,