Indiana State vs. Penn State (Pick Six University)
It’s 8am and Joe Paterno is in critical condition after Larry Johnson Sr. dropped a clip board on JoePa’s foot, causing his foot to explode…

Penn State opens the season vs. the mighty Indiana State Sycamores out of division 1AA. I refuse to call it the other thing as it is ridiculous. What a way for the 749 year old Joe Paterno to get his troops ready for Alabama in week two. I can’t stand when ANY team in college football plays a team from division 1AA, unless it’s Michigan vs. Appy State (snicker, snicker). Anyway Penn State still doesn’t know who their QB will be to start out the year. Will it be the ultra talented Rob Bolden or the ultra douchy sad ginger panda known as Matt McGloin. God I hate Gingers.

PSU has a talented tailback named Silas Redd. He should get a tone of action this season. They also have a good stable of WR’s and don’t forget — they are linebacker U. This game will be a blowout. Anyway, here is a video of Joe Paterno running off the field because he made a boom in his pants vs. OSU: Western Michigan vs Michigan YES! Michigan is BACK. No, seriously — this time they are back. Okay, okay, let’s wait until it’s week eight or so before we hand the skunk kittens the Big Ten title and name Denard Robinson anything other than Glass Joe. Anyway, Brady Hoke takes over for Rich Rod to the delight of every single UM fan on Earth and to the dismay of every single Big Ten opponent on their schedule. September for UM can only mean one thing — they play a HORRIBLE OOC schedule, play Notre Dame who is the most overrated team EVER and like clockwork the talking heads at ESPN fawn over them. This year is no different. They start off with MAC school Western Michigan and should bury them. UM’s defense is still terrible, but should be helped by offensively conservative style of Hoke. Gone is the spread option attack and in is the pro style and power running game. They will need that to keep one of the worst defenses in the history of UM football off the field. Is it me or does Hoke look like heroine junky Artie Lange: Who cares. They are both fat, untalented hacks — close enough. UNLV sucks. Wisconsin will win this game by 275 points. Russell Wilson, who transferred over from NC State, will take over for Scott Tolzien at QB. This kid is a hell of a player and because of a ridiculous loophole he is allowed to transfer without sitting out a year. This team will once again be good. They have another five fat offensive lineman over 315lbs to go with their fat coach. This team is good. Real good, but lost a lot of weapons last year on offense and defense. Plus they don’t have this (language): Nebraska, you’ve been in the Big Ten all of five minutes and I already hate you. You really couldn’t find a division 1 opponent to play? Really, out of 120 options you had to go with a 1AA school. I guess if I were you I’d ease into the Big Ten too. This isn’t like the Big 12 were defense is played by two schools every other fourth Saturday. This game should be a blowout. Congratulations Cornhusker fans. Welcome to the Big Ten, I think once you actually start playing some Big Ten foes your Saturdays will go something like this: Oh dear lord. Another one. Another Big Ten team facing another 1AA opponent. Why? What is gained? Seriously. Has no one learned anything from watching Michigan lose to Appalachian State? You win, who cares? It means nothing. You lose, you are the laughing stock of college football forever. MSU, I hope this happens to you:
(still laughing) Yet another Big Ten team playing a lollipop in week one. The more I look into who the Big Ten is playing week one, the more I can’t stand the current state of college football. Literally half the league is playing division 1AA schools in week one. Iowa — do better. I know this isn’t an Iowa fan, but it’s funny: Iowa doesn’t deserve their own video until they play a team worth a damn. Finally a Big Ten team has the lower manicles to play a good football team. Though I think this is an example of a good team picking a bad team to manhandle. USC should win this game easily. Minnesota will be starting Marqueis Gray at QB. He is an athletic and talented player, but USC is loaded at every position, especially here: Easy win for USC…on multiple levels. The Rest of the Big Ten: Northwestern at Boston College And of course Akron at Ohio State. That preview is coming up, so everyone just calm down. Overall it will be interesting to see how Wisconsin performs with their new QB, who wins the QB job in Happy Valley and how the new look Wolverines look under Hoke. Get ready folks, college football is almost back.



UNLV vs. Wisconsin
Chattanooga vs. Nebraska
Youngstown State vs. Michigan State
Tennessee Tech vs. Iowa
Minnesota vs. USC
Middle Tennessee at Purdue
Arkansas State at Illinois
Indiana at Ball State
Kicker – This is a fairly easy call to make —
Punter –
Kick Returner #1 –
Kick Returner #2 –
Punt Returner – I fully expect that if Jordan Hall isn’t the starting running back to start the season that he will most likely have this job as well. If, though, they need a guy to take over this spot I would start someone with speed and elusiveness. I suggest that player should be
Long Snapper – In honor of el Kaiser and his storied history as a world class long snapper at The North Royalton High School [GO BEARS! -ed] I will add a long snapper to this post. After all, Ohio State did use a scholarship this year on a long snapper specialist.
Andrew Norwell, you will fill in for the suspended Mike Adams for the first five games of the season. You are a 310 pound sophomore and former five-star offensive lineman. You will project Bauserman and Miller’s blindside along with provide devastating blocking for our stable of talented backs.
Jack Mewhort, you will take over for Justin Boren at left guard. You are a red shirt sophomore and tip the scales at 305 pounds. A four-star recruit out of high school you are an elite talent. You have big shoes to fill as you are taking over for an All Big Ten Guard and all-around badass. You are also a fellow ginger with Joe Bauserman and therefore naturally sworn to protect his unbelievably awful complexion.
Mike Brewster, you are our senior anchor at center and undoubtedly the captain and leader of this team. [It wasn’t called “The Brew Crew” for nothing -ed] At 305 pounds and another former five-star high school lineman you will need to help along three new starters and physically dominate the interior defensive lines of the Big Ten. Mike, big things await you this year as you will anchor one of the best offensive lines in the country and be in line for every major lineman award in college football. The sugar on top of all that will be the fact that you will most likely be a first round draft choice and future millionaire in the NFL. One block at a time.
Marcus Hall, you will start at right guard and be asked to play a pivotal role in the running game. You, like Mewhort, will do a lot of pulling in our power running game. You are a former four-star lineman in high school and, at 321 pounds, one of our biggest offensive lineman. Remember, when in a jam against Big Ten foes, do this… works every time:
J.B. Shugarts, you are our senior right tackle. You are finally healthy and ready to dominate the right tackle position. At 300 pounds and a former five-star tackle in high school, you will finally live up to the hype you had before coming to OSU. Brewster and Adams have already lived up to their top billing. This is your year to be a break out player for the Buckeyes. More importantly than that you will give balance to this big, strong, athletic and talented offensive line.
We need to lead the Big Ten in rushing to supplement the lack of a passing offense. And it all starts up front. Four of the six of you that will see the brunt of playing time are former five-star offensive lineman. I’m tired of hearing about Kyle Kalis. That fat traitor isn’t even playing this year. Some talking head said that Ohio State has collapsed. Gentleman, that is ridiculous. You are the foundation of our offense. You are the definition of elite. We will not lay down and die. I refuse it and so should you.
Cornerback – This second cornerback I had more trouble deciding on but if I was Coach Fickell I would want the best athletes and players on the field no matter the experience. This is a make or break year for Coach Fickell so he is able to take more chances then normally would be acceptable at OSU. Having said that, Ohio State recruited and landed what many believe is the best cornerback in the nation last year in high school.
Strong Safety –
Free Safety – To me, this is a simple choice. When Orhian Johnson got hurt
Nickel Package –
Dime Package – When (and it isn’t very often but when) we do go to six defensive backs we need a guy who can play his spot and not blow his assignment.
Mike (Middle LB) – This one is a tough one. The player who plays here will have to replace the leadership and ability of Brian Rolle and live up to the legacy of a host of amazing linebackers that have played at OSU over the last 100 years. The obvious choice is to just move
SAM (Strong Side LB) – This linebacker spot, despite its name, is actually for our least experienced linebacker as it is on the strong side of the defense and has backup from the defensive line and defensive backs. This spot, to me, is made for a player like
WILL (Weak Side LB) – This spot needs to go to a player who can line up at the end of the defensive line (on either side of the ball) and rush the quarterback or stuff the run. The player who starts here should be able to get things done with little or no help and make plays in the open field. For all these reasons it is time for
STAR (Hybrid DB/LB) – This is our hybrid player position who can play both as a defensive back and a line backer on every play they are in. They might rush the quarter back, play the run, or drop in coverage against a wide receiver in multi-WR sets. This is the perfect place for a player like 
