If I Was Coach Fickell [Offensive Line Edition]

Gentleman, to start the year off I am starting Joe Bauserman at quarterback. That means three things:

1. We are going to run the ball… a lot. You all need to be effective run blockers because that is going to be our offense until Braxton Miller is ready and even when he is, he won’t be ready to throw the ball 25-30 times per game.

2. We are going to need ample pass protection because Bauserman isn’t exactly Fred Astaire back there.

3. At least the first couple games we will have a red headed, ginger fire crotch for a QB… disgusting, but that is neither here nor there.

Andrew Norwell, you will fill in for the suspended Mike Adams for the first five games of the season. You are a 310 pound sophomore and former five-star offensive lineman. You will project Bauserman and Miller’s blindside along with provide devastating blocking for our stable of talented backs.

Jack Mewhort, you will take over for Justin Boren at left guard. You are a red shirt sophomore and tip the scales at 305 pounds. A four-star recruit out of high school you are an elite talent. You have big shoes to fill as you are taking over for an All Big Ten Guard and all-around badass. You are also a fellow ginger with Joe Bauserman and therefore naturally sworn to protect his unbelievably awful complexion.

Mike Brewster, you are our senior anchor at center and undoubtedly the captain and leader of this team. [It wasn’t called “The Brew Crew” for nothing -ed] At 305 pounds and another former five-star high school lineman you will need to help along three new starters and physically dominate the interior defensive lines of the Big Ten. Mike, big things await you this year as you will anchor one of the best offensive lines in the country and be in line for every major lineman award in college football. The sugar on top of all that will be the fact that you will most likely be a first round draft choice and future millionaire in the NFL. One block at a time.

Marcus Hall, you will start at right guard and be asked to play a pivotal role in the running game. You, like Mewhort, will do a lot of pulling in our power running game. You are a former four-star lineman in high school and, at 321 pounds, one of our biggest offensive lineman. Remember, when in a jam against Big Ten foes, do this… works every time:

J.B. Shugarts, you are our senior right tackle. You are finally healthy and ready to dominate the right tackle position. At 300 pounds and a former five-star tackle in high school, you will finally live up to the hype you had before coming to OSU. Brewster and Adams have already lived up to their top billing. This is your year to be a break out player for the Buckeyes. More importantly than that you will give balance to this big, strong, athletic and talented offensive line.

Oh, and week six Big Mike Adams will take over for Norwell at left tackle and look to dominate the Big Ten. Keep in mind: no one is angry with you for being partially responsible for coach Tressel not being here, really.

Mike, all kidding aside you were a five-star tackle in high school and most likely a future first round pick in the NFL, like Brewster. You need to harness the pain and anguish you must feel for your off the field transgressions and concentrate that back onto the field. If you can do that, this team is going to have a completely different feel come week six and on.

We have been productive on the ground the last three years behind the Brew Crew and friends. This year, we need to keep that going and step it up.

2008: 192 yards per game on the ground, good for 3rd in the Big Ten
2009: 196 yards per game on the ground, good for 3rd in the Big Ten
2010: 220 yards per game on the ground, good for 4th in the Big Ten


2011: 240 yards per game on the ground, good for 1st in the Big Ten

We need to lead the Big Ten in rushing to supplement the lack of a passing offense. And it all starts up front. Four of the six of you that will see the brunt of playing time are former five-star offensive lineman. I’m tired of hearing about Kyle Kalis. That fat traitor isn’t even playing this year. Some talking head said that Ohio State has collapsed. Gentleman, that is ridiculous. You are the foundation of our offense. You are the definition of elite. We will not lay down and die. I refuse it and so should you.

(this message brought to you by fake Luke Fickell)


  1. Jay Roubini says

    Reading these previews all week can’t help but be pumped, great job guys! My anticipation builds for the unexpected, can’t wait to watch Braxton scramble but wouldn’t it be sweet watching Bauserman become a Buckeye Legend over the next three months? Fickell’s 2QB system seems right for this time and place. A strong passing game could be the surprise as Drayton is experianced with the 2QB system (remembering Leak/Tebow)! Maybe getting ahead here, so I’ll wait for the (Wide Reciever Edition).
    The talking head on the College Preview Show said watch the Buckeye’s “buckle under pressure in game 5.” Just more reason to stay pumped.

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