Big Ten Football Preview-Week One

Indiana State vs. Penn State (Pick Six University)

It’s 8am and Joe Paterno is in critical condition after Larry Johnson Sr. dropped a clip board on JoePa’s foot, causing his foot to explode…

Penn State opens the season vs. the mighty Indiana State Sycamores out of division 1AA. I refuse to call it the other thing as it is ridiculous. What a way for the 749 year old Joe Paterno to get his troops ready for Alabama in week two. I can’t stand when ANY team in college football plays a team from division 1AA, unless it’s Michigan vs. Appy State (snicker, snicker). Anyway Penn State still doesn’t know who their QB will be to start out the year. Will it be the ultra talented Rob Bolden or the ultra douchy sad ginger panda known as Matt McGloin. God I hate Gingers.

PSU has a talented tailback named Silas Redd. He should get a tone of action this season. They also have a good stable of WR’s and don’t forget — they are linebacker U.

This game will be a blowout. Anyway, here is a video of Joe Paterno running off the field because he made a boom in his pants vs. OSU:

Western Michigan vs Michigan

YES! Michigan is BACK. No, seriously — this time they are back. Okay, okay, let’s wait until it’s week eight or so before we hand the skunk kittens the Big Ten title and name Denard Robinson anything other than Glass Joe. Anyway, Brady Hoke takes over for Rich Rod to the delight of every single UM fan on Earth and to the dismay of every single Big Ten opponent on their schedule. September for UM can only mean one thing — they play a HORRIBLE OOC schedule, play Notre Dame who is the most overrated team EVER and like clockwork the talking heads at ESPN fawn over them. This year is no different. They start off with MAC school Western Michigan and should bury them.

UM’s defense is still terrible, but should be helped by offensively conservative style of Hoke. Gone is the spread option attack and in is the pro style and power running game. They will need that to keep one of the worst defenses in the history of UM football off the field. Is it me or does Hoke look like heroine junky Artie Lange:

Who cares. They are both fat, untalented hacks — close enough.

UNLV vs. Wisconsin

UNLV sucks. Wisconsin will win this game by 275 points. Russell Wilson, who transferred over from NC State, will take over for Scott Tolzien at QB. This kid is a hell of a player and because of a ridiculous loophole he is allowed to transfer without sitting out a year. This team will once again be good. They have another five fat offensive lineman over 315lbs to go with their fat coach. This team is good. Real good, but lost a lot of weapons last year on offense and defense. Plus they don’t have this (language):

Chattanooga vs. Nebraska

Nebraska, you’ve been in the Big Ten all of five minutes and I already hate you. You really couldn’t find a division 1 opponent to play? Really, out of 120 options you had to go with a 1AA school. I guess if I were you I’d ease into the Big Ten too. This isn’t like the Big 12 were defense is played by two schools every other fourth Saturday.

This game should be a blowout. Congratulations Cornhusker fans. Welcome to the Big Ten, I think once you actually start playing some Big Ten foes your Saturdays will go something like this:

Youngstown State vs. Michigan State

Oh dear lord. Another one. Another Big Ten team facing another 1AA opponent. Why? What is gained? Seriously. Has no one learned anything from watching Michigan lose to Appalachian State? You win, who cares? It means nothing. You lose, you are the laughing stock of college football forever. MSU, I hope this happens to you:

(still laughing)

Tennessee Tech vs. Iowa

Yet another Big Ten team playing a lollipop in week one. The more I look into who the Big Ten is playing week one, the more I can’t stand the current state of college football. Literally half the league is playing division 1AA schools in week one. Iowa — do better. I know this isn’t an Iowa fan, but it’s funny:

Iowa doesn’t deserve their own video until they play a team worth a damn.

Minnesota vs. USC

Finally a Big Ten team has the lower manicles to play a good football team. Though I think this is an example of a good team picking a bad team to manhandle. USC should win this game easily. Minnesota will be starting Marqueis Gray at QB. He is an athletic and talented player, but USC is loaded at every position, especially here:

Easy win for USC…on multiple levels.

The Rest of the Big Ten:

Northwestern at Boston College
Middle Tennessee at Purdue
Arkansas State at Illinois
Indiana at Ball State

And of course Akron at Ohio State. That preview is coming up, so everyone just calm down. Overall it will be interesting to see how Wisconsin performs with their new QB, who wins the QB job in Happy Valley and how the new look Wolverines look under Hoke.

Get ready folks, college football is almost back.


  1. hey, I like Artie Lang. Anyone that has seen “Beer league” or read “Too Fat to Fish” would have to agree.

  2. I like Artie too…

    But they do look alike and that is something Artie would have said.

  3. sportsMonkey says

    But… but McGloin has MOXIE.

  4. So supposedly Kiffin was talking about how much Gray makes him nervous.

    What if?? What if?!

    Oh, who am I kidding? USC is going to beat them by four touchdowns.

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