Okay, now the situation surrounding [HWSNBN] has reached a Mount K-2 level of dramatic shame and hilarity. At this point, we’re confident that phones were ringing off the hook this morning in Hollywood, as producers scrambled to be first with a movie-of-the-week pitch for [HWSNBN]‘s life story.

In honor of that inevitable ABC/ESPN Sunday Night Movie, here are the actors we’d like to see playing the principal parts of [movie voice ON]:

“Maurice: Third Down and Life to Go …Go… go…“

[movie voice OFF]

Main Cast

Male lead – Gary Coleman

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Tressel?!?”

Now hang on, I know, “he’s no football player.” Do you think a little detail like that will matter to Hollywood producers, anyway? Besides, what a perfect metaphorical casting choice for a character that overcomes obstacles along life’s path. And it’d be funny, cause Coleman is small and stuff.

Coach Jim Tressel – Ed Harris

“On the contrary, gentlemen. I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”

Clean-cut, well dressed, doesn’t take crap from nobody.

AD Andy Geiger – Yogi Bear

“Gee, Boo-Boo. Do ya think the NCAA would mind?!?”

Might have to go CGI on this one. But I’m sure Yogi could use the work.

Supporting Cast

Clarett’s Mother – Kathy Bates

“Youuu playin’ the fooseball, Maurice?!?”

Yes, I know she’s caucasian. But she’s perfect. Nobody will ever think of another football mother without thinking of Bates.

Nick Mango, Clarett Family Attorney – Chris Kattan

Nobody does Mango like Kattan. ‘Nuff said.

Hai Waknine, Jewish Mobster – Woody Allen

“I-I don’t like violence. It gives me nausea. Makes me vomit; it’s so unhealthy. Now pay back the money or you’ll be swimming with the Gefilte fishes.”

Coming soon to an ESPN channel near you. Check local listings.

Just about everyone’s top three Heisman hopefuls, going into the 2006 season, are Brady Quinn, Troy Smith, and Adrian Peterson. It’s very likely that the 2006 Heisman Trophy will be awarded to one of these three superhumans. But we’ve decided to take a crack and predicting the dark horse, the player that has just as big an upside as these guys do. We present the MotSaG’s Heisman dark horses:

Slyvester-Yon Rambo: Brian Brohm – A QB on the Top Ten Louisville squad that will put up huge offensive numbers in th Big East on a team with little other offensive help except a traitor of a RB who committed to Ohio State before turning his back on us and signing with Louisville… Plus, Louisville has no defense and will be forced to throw the ball A LOT.

Kenny Irons – A true RB star from the SEC will get lots of touches and has the opputunity to be on an undefeated Auburn team that could make a run at the National Championship game if he can help them run the table.

Zeke: Marshawn Lynch, Jr. RB, Cal – After missing two games last year and part of a third due to injury, he still ran for 1246 yards and 10 TDs. Cal is one of the teams being hyped with the possibility to overtake USC in the Pac 10. Lynch will play a huge role in determining if that happens.

Kenny Irons, Sr. RB, Auburn – The success of the team most of the time is a deciding factor on who wins the Heisman trophy. Auburn is set to have a good year which might help Iron’s chances of sneaking up in the Heisman race. Last year’s stats: 1293 yards & 13 TDs.

sportsMonkey: Marshawn Lynch, California – Even though Lynch sat out for two games last year with an injury, he still pulled off 1,642 all purpose-yards for the season. He has a 7.0 YPC average over his career at Cal.

Why he could win: Easily one of the top three RBs in the country. One of the veterans on his team, which gives him the “leadership” opportunities that the Heisman voters love to see. USC is rebuilding, so the state’s expectations are being transferred to the Bears. And no Leinart or Bush to compete against (for media attention) this year.

Why he’s a long shot: Cal has to replace three starters on the offensive line. If they aren’t up to the talent of last year, it could impact Lynch’s numbers. Lynch is also in the same camp as many other great football players around the country – how does he get the media to stop slobbering over ND’s Quinn and Weis.

el Kaiser: Michael Bush – My pick isn’t going to make to S-Y Rambo happy, but he’ll get over it. I’m going with another Lousiville boy. Now that the other Bush has vacated Touchdown City for New Orleans, Mike can take up residence with his 24 TDs from last year. As S-Y Rambo mentioned, Louisville is going to put up some serious offensive numbers, and most of them will be going through Bush. The weak Big East should give Bush plenty of room to run, and if he has a break-out game in an upset of West Virginia, look out. His biggest hurdle is going to be his team mate, Brohm. He’ll have to seriously outshine him in every game to be considered, but I think he can do it.

I look for him to be big in both the Miami game and the WVa game as well, surprising everyone and being invited to the Downtown Athletic Club.

So those are our dark horses. If I was a betting man, I’d still go with the top three, but these guys deserve a serious look.

“Wasn’t a darkhorse“

As the season nears, more and more pressure is being placed upon Lllloyd Carr to have a breakout season. For instance, Tom Dienhart predicts that the coach will need to beat OSU and/or win a BCS birth to keep his job.

It’s a tough call. Usually, when a coach is on the hot seat, there’s a clear-cut reason why. Most of the time it’s because he’s not winning, like Zook at Florida. Sometimes it’s because he’s lost control of his team, like Cooper at OSU.

For Lllloyd, there’s a plethora of possible reasons for his recent lack of success. Some fans will claim that he’s just a victim of bad luck; that a season and a half full of devastating injuries limited his options. Some claim that the game has changed, but the coach hasn’t – pointing out the “basketball on grass” style of football so prevalent now in the Big Te(leve)n, but not practiced by Carr.

Some even claim that there is no problem whatsoever. A popular missive from UM fans in most online forums is that across their five losses, UM only lost by a total of 21 points. Of course this ignores the fact that the team was only three snaps away from having a 4-7 season… as two victories came in OT and one came in the final second of the game against Penn State.

Combining the two arguments into one big picture, UM lost five close games, while squeaking by another three with a victory. Whichever way you look at it, having eight nail-bitingly close games in a season is a problem for any coach in Division I-A, especially more so for the one sitting on the treasure chest up at Ann Arbor.

Throw in the fact that the best recruits in the state of Michigan have been splitting to other schools before the ink is even dry on their high school diplomas, and it’s no wonder that Lllloyd finds himself on the hot seat.

I believe that this is the season when we really find out who coach Carr is. He’s already reshuffled his coaching staff, which is usually the final act of a coach who’s been given one last chance. I’m not sure his fate resides on an arbitrary goal, like 10 wins or a BCS berth or a victory against Sweater Vest, but on an overall impression of how he wins or loses. It’s one thing to suffer a loss from a better team (OSU 2005), but it’s another thing to repeatedly find ways to beat yourself (Notre Dame 2005).

My personal prediction is that UM “returns to form” this year. I wonder what state of chaos the national title picture would be in if UM and OSU met on November 18th, both undefeated…

We’ve toiled over statistics, made notes in the margins of our newspapers, did some encantations and finally decided on the most meaningless poll of all – The Pre-Season Poll. Since there’s four of us Buckeye Bloggers here at MotSaG, we’ve eached submitted a top 25 list which has been tallied up and the resulting list looks like this:

Ranking	School	Points
1	OSU (4)	100
2	Texas	91
3	Auburn	87
4	West Va.	78
5	USC	75
6	LSU	75
7	ND	73
8	Cal	71
9	Iowa	63
10	Florida	63
11	Michigan	59
12	Oklahoma	59
13	Georgia	58
14	Louisville	54
15	Miami	50
16	FSU	39
17	Clemson	33
18	Penn State	31
19	Va. Tech	30
20	Oregon	25
21	Alabama	20
22	TCU	16
23	Nebraska	13
24	ASU	10
25	Tennessee	6

(Others receiving votes: South Carolina 6, UCLA 3, BYU 3, Toledo 3, Texas Tech 2, Utah 2, MSU 1, Duke 1)

A few comments:

As you can see, one of our voters fancies himself Steve Spurrier and put Duke on his ballot.

Yes, all four of us had Ohio State at #1. Call us homers if you like, it’s not something we’re going to hide. This is the Men of the Scarlet and Gray, afterall. That being said, we all feel, as it stands now, that Ohio State is fielding one heck of a team and they are going to play some good football this season.

Texas: Texas still has loads of talent, but it’s going to be hard to win a championship with a freshman QB, though. (Has it ever happened in the modern era? That is a serious question. Email us if you know of an example.) When Ohio State plays at Austin in September, it won’t be easy; but on a neutral field, OSU would win this game easily.

Michigan: As usual, Carr has amassed enough talent to make most coaches jealous. Great front four on defense will give Big-10 offensive coordinators headaches.

Notre Dame: That schedule just looks too harsh for them to get through it unscathed. There are two very possible losses in the first four games. If they can run the gauntlet and make it to USC undefeated, that will be one of the most important games of the year.

Auburn: Biggest advantage is their schedule – they play a lot of tough home games. Replacing their WR corps won’t be easy to do, which may hurt them early.

What does this all mean? That we can make lists and look smart. Of course we’ll disown this work by the middle of October, but it’s still fun to start the rankings, even without a kick-off for another 3 weeks.

The NCAA has reinstated Dwayne Jarrett for USC’s opener.

Jarrett, who accepted $18,000 in unallowable benefits, is allowed to play for the Trojans because it was only “a mistake.”

The NCAA’s justification for letting Jarrett get away with the violations? The NCAA’s Jennifer Strawley said:

“Mr. Jarrett made a mistake, and we believe that had he known he was required to pay his full share of the rent for the apartment, he would not have chosen to live there.”

Apparently, Ms. Strawley even said that with a straight face.

Yes, it seems that the NCAA actually believes that Jarrett didn’t know he was supposed to pay for his rent. And, of course, since he didn’t know, he shouldn’t be required to suffer a suspension.

Sigh.

If you haven’t figured out how ridiculous that sounds, consider this: Troy Smith, a backup QB at OSU in 2004, accepted $500 from a booster. He gave the money back, admitted he was wrong, apologized to his teammates, and accepted a two-game suspension for his “mistake” – a mistake that hindsight shows probably cost his team a shot at the 2005 title.

Jarrett, a starting WR, accepted $18,000 from a booster, then claimed he “didn’t know” he wasn’t supposed to do that, and earns no suspension.

Think there’s a little bias in the NCAA for Pete Carroll and his LA boys?

I used to be a Pete Carroll fan, but my respect for him over the past couple of years has been dropping faster than a battery-filled snowball thrown from the upper deck of the Big House.

News outlets around the country are quickly backtracking from inaccuracies surrounding the reporting of [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED].

Former DENVER BRONCOS tailback [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] was reported as having a loaded AK-47 assualt rifle in his possession. Turns out all he had was a k-47, a Sony VAIO laptop computer. Police apologized for the confusion.

Also miscommunicated was the former DENVER BRONCOS player’s CD collection, which apparently included several Molly Hatchet compilations.

“When this stuff goes out on the scanner, you can see how the news media might misinterpret crucial details,” said a spokesperson for the Franklin County Sheriff’s office. “Still, though, Molly Hatchet? I would have pegged him for a hip-hop type of man.”

The former DENVER BRONCOS tailback was released, and plans to report to his new job tomorrow.

***Updated*** Scroll down for updates.

We have a standing rule here at MotSaG wherein we’ve agreed to avoid any news (good or bad) about [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED]. Unfortunately, the news coming out of Columbus today is too big to ignore. You know things are bad when you get out of the shower before 7 o’clock in the morning and your wife says that [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] was on the news this morning.

So why is [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] in the news? Surely you’ve already read about his arrest, after making a U-turn and leading the CPD on a high-speed chase, ending in him being maced after the Taser used against him was rendered useless by his bullet-proof vest. Never mind the loaded weapons, including an assault rifle, in his truck. Or empty bottle of liquor in his car. Or that he went “raging bull” in the back of the paddy-wagon. Just do what I do. Close your eyes and wait for him to go away. Because I’m done feeling sorry for [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED].

Of course bloggers are gleefully waking up to tons of new material to hate on OSU. We’ll let them have their fun, but [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] stopped being a Buckeye years ago. Sticks and stones, sticks and stones. People love to seeing sports figures fall from grace, and [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED]’s fall has been spectacular.

I titled this post “Sad sad sad” because [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] has completely hit rock-bottom and has begun to dig deeper. I won’t get into the potential he wasted or the good-will he squandered. It’s all been said before.

He could have been King of Columbus but instead decided to be the court Jester. Which is just sad, sad, sad.

Updated: There’s an article by Tom Friend at ESPN chronicling the strange, winding path that has put [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] on a downward spiral.

I also heard on the ESPN Radio this morning that [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] was picked up a block away from the house of someone who was going to be testifying in his robbery court case. Not good. I haven’t been able to confirm this from any other media source. Whether that’s an unfortunate coincidence or it was part of a bigger plan, it’s obvious that [HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] is in a bad way, mentally and otherwise.

Fowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football preview, here on ESPN. We’ve got a dandy of a 2006 season waiting in the wings, and it looks to be another exciting, wide open season.

I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso; we’ll be joined later by Mark May.

All co-anchors: Hi.

Fowler: Let’s get right into it. Is Notre Dame the best team of all time, or just the best team of the millenium? Lou?

Holtz: I think the Irish could pothibly run the table this year. They are good, solid, young men, and they have a good coach in Charlie Weith, and if they don’t lose any games, they could potentially win. Good, fine young men.

Corso: I agree. I agree. Weis has that QB of his. That Quinn kid. With that arm of his! [slaps Herbie in the arm]. Zoom! Right down the field! But I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell ya. [points pencil at camera] He’d better be careful against that Michigan State defense. Whoo! Tough, I tell ya, Tough!!!

Herbie: Yeah, I agree. Michigan State is going to be a tough opponent for the Irish. It’s going to wrap up three tough weeks of football for Weis’ players, and going against the Spartans, at night, against Drew Stanton and that talented offense is going to be quite a challenge for Notre Dame.

Fowler: So we’re agreed… they’re the best of all time. Moving on to the lesser..uh.. other teams, do you think any of them are coached by men as great as Charlie Weis?

Corso: Let me tell you something. That Mack Brown is a heck of a guy. He won the championship last year. With the mighty, the talented, the scary, his HIGHness, Vince Young. What a leader! With the zoom and the pass and the POW! Mack doesn’t have Young back this year, so he can’t use Young to win games. It will be hard for Texas to match last season’s success.

Herbie: Yeah, I agree. Texas will certainly have more challenges this year.

Holtz: Mack Brown is a fine young man. He’th a coach, you know.

Fowler: This just in to the ESPN news desk… Maurice Clarett was caught leaving a measly 5% tip at a Denny’s in Medina, OH. And the troubles keep coming in to the beleagured Ohio State program. Kirk, how about Ohio State this year? Do they have a chance to finish behind Notre Dame?

Herbie: Yeah, I think they do. Tressel has put…

Holtz: Trethel is a fine coach. A good young man.

Herbie: …has put together an offense that is potentially better than the 1998 squad that finished ranked first in the country in most major categories. The defense is the, is the…

May: Did someone say Clarett? I’m here.

Herbie: …is the question. Losing all those starters will have an impact on the challenges the Buckeyes have to overcome.

Fowler: Welcome, Mark. What do you think?

May: Look. Ohio State is going to have to overcome all the distraction brought on by Clarett. I mean, if the latest accusation is true, and he’s actually shorting waitresses in the heartland of rural Northern Ohio, what does that say about the team he played six games for over four years ago? It’s simple. Vince Young will win the championship for Texas. It’s that simple.

Fowler: Uhh… Mark, Young is in the NFL now. Texas will have a couple of new QBs at the helm.

May: I meant that the legacy of Vince Young will serve as motivation for Texas to win the title. Look, forget the Buckeyes. Stick a fork in ’em. They’re done.

Corso: That Vince Young. BOOM! Ha. Great kid.

Fowler: One has to wonder if the rumors were true that Vince Young was born from one of Charlie Weis’ bowel movements 22 years ago.

Holtz: …..zzzzzzzz…finyngmnnnnn…zzzzzz….

Fowler: This just in to the ESPN newsdesk: Maurice Clarett has been seen launching long-range missiles into Israel.

Herbie: Oh, for crying out loud. Just come on. That’s ridiculous.

Fowler: That’s what it says, Kirk. We are just reporting.

May: Kirk, didn’t you quarterback for the team that suspended Clarett a decade later?

Herbie: Die in a fire, Mark.

Corso: ZING!

Alberts: Hey guys!

Fowler: Trev?!? How’d you get in here? How’d you get past security?

Alberts: I hid in a laundry cart of jockstraps being sent up for washing from the ESPN workout facility.

Herbie: So that’s what that smell is. God, I need a drink.

Alberts: It’s Nebraska all the way this year, baby! The blackshirts are back!

Corso: Not so fast, my smelly friend! It’s Nebraska with the whee and the whaa and the flbtz…. HAH!!!! I pay taxes! Kibbles and bits my friend!! KibblezNNNbitss!!! bpthphlept!! Owuuu!!

Holtz: zzzz…buymy book… “winth, lothez, & lethonz”… zzzzz

May: Trev?!? [their eyes lock]

Alberts: [running in slow motion towards May while violins play in background] Maaarrkk….

Herbie: [preparing seppuku]: Our father, who art in heaven…

May: Oh Trev, don’t ever go again!

Corso: Hbububbbubbbubbbuuububbbbbbbuuflpt!! A-hiyaaaa!

Alberts: Marry me, Mark! I won’t let us be separated again!

May: I will! [more violins]

Herbie: HMMGGHRRFGHhhhh… aaauuuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…… *wheeze*cough* *plop* [dies in a pool of his own blood]

Fowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For Lou Holtz, the misters Alberts, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, I’m Chris Fowler, and we’ll see you on GameDay. Go Irish.

After having a couple of weeks to chew on the new time-management rules for the 2006 college football season, I’ve come to immensely dislike them.

Here’s why: rule changes are supposed to be “universal;” that is, affect all teams equally. It seems clear to me that the speeding up of the college game (by 12-20 plays, according to some estimates) will unfairly penalize teams that use 4th-quarter conditioning and strength as part of their strategy.

It’s no secret, for instance, that Tresselball is defined by a strong 4th-quarter game plan. How many times as a Bucks fan have you reassured yourself, “…yeah, we’re down, but there’s a quarter and a half left. No problem for ol’ Sweater Vest.”

Once you realize that it is a strategy of coaches (particularly in the Big 10 and Big 12) to rely on the superior conditioning of their teams to eke out victories late in the game, then you can understand how the new rules will negatively affect those strategies.

Hurricane fans certainly know the importance of the 4th quarter

Of course, it’s impossible to prove a negative. We’ll never be able to say, “Without those new rules, our team might have had one more series to score. What if?” However, we can look back at history and extrapolate. Last year, for instance, Troy Smith led the Buckeyes on a last minute, 12-play, 88-yard drive to win the game against UM. If the “12-20 fewer plays” estimation is correct, then UM would have won that game. And of course, that also means UM would have lost to Penn State, USC would have come up short against Notre Dame, etc., etc. The entire national title picture would have been completely rewritten.

All so that a few extra Chevy Truck ads can be subliminally shoehorned into our psyche?

Coaches will have to adapt game plans; that’s part of the game. However, this new system will create more frustrations and “what if?” arguments among fans, and minimize the likelihood of most exciting part of the college game – the fourth quarter comeback.

What do you think?

MotSaG has grabbed the 2006 NCAA “Helmet” schedule that’s been making its rounds through the Internet, and converted it into PDFs for your pleasure.

Enjoy!

Complete 2006 NCAA Schedule

Games of the Week

Individual Conference Schedules:

• ACC
• Big East
• Big 10
• Big 12
• Conference USA
• Independent
• MAC
• Mountain West
• Pac 10
• SEC
• Sun Belt
• WAC

To whoever put the hard work into creating this sucker: Thank you. Also, if anyone knows who did put this together, please let us know so that we can give him the proper credit. And tell him “nice touch” for replacing UM’s helmet icon with a steaming pile of fetid excrement. (It wasn’t us – we swear!)

Update (el Kaiser here):
You can also pick up the source (the .XLS file) of these files at Bevosports. If someone was really ambitious, they’d merge the helmet schedule with the recently linked TV schedule and everyone would be set for September!