GameDay Preview, 2006

espn logoFowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football preview, here on ESPN. We’ve got a dandy of a 2006 season waiting in the wings, and it looks to be another exciting, wide open season.

I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso; we’ll be joined later by Mark May.

All co-anchors: Hi.

fowler

Fowler: Let’s get right into it. Is Notre Dame the best team of all time, or just the best team of the millenium? Lou?

holtzHoltz: I think the Irish could pothibly run the table this year. They are good, solid, young men, and they have a good coach in Charlie Weith, and if they don’t lose any games, they could potentially win. Good, fine young men.

Corso: I agree. I agree. Weis has that QB of his. That Quinn kid. With that arm of his! [slaps Herbie in the arm]. Zoom! Right down the field! But I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell ya. [points pencil at camera] He’d better be careful against that Michigan State defense. Whoo! Tough, I tell ya, Tough!!!

herbie and corso
Herbie: Yeah, I agree. Michigan State is going to be a tough opponent for the Irish. It’s going to wrap up three tough weeks of football for Weis’ players, and going against the Spartans, at night, against Drew Stanton and that talented offense is going to be quite a challenge for Notre Dame.

Fowler: So we’re agreed… they’re the best of all time. Moving on to the lesser..uh.. other teams, do you think any of them are coached by men as great as Charlie Weis?

Corso: Let me tell you something. That Mack Brown is a heck of a guy. He won the championship last year. With the mighty, the talented, the scary, his HIGHness, Vince Young. What a leader! With the zoom and the pass and the POW! Mack doesn’t have Young back this year, so he can’t use Young to win games. It will be hard for Texas to match last season’s success.

Herbie: Yeah, I agree. Texas will certainly have more challenges this year.

Holtz: Mack Brown is a fine young man. He’th a coach, you know.

fowler

Fowler: This just in to the ESPN news desk… Maurice Clarett was caught leaving a measly 5% tip at a Denny’s in Medina, OH. And the troubles keep coming in to the beleagured Ohio State program. Kirk, how about Ohio State this year? Do they have a chance to finish behind Notre Dame?

Herbie: Yeah, I think they do. Tressel has put…

Holtz: Trethel is a fine coach. A good young man.

Herbie: …has put together an offense that is potentially better than the 1998 squad that finished ranked first in the country in most major categories. The defense is the, is the…

mayMay: Did someone say Clarett? I’m here.

Herbie: …is the question. Losing all those starters will have an impact on the challenges the Buckeyes have to overcome.

Fowler: Welcome, Mark. What do you think?

May: Look. Ohio State is going to have to overcome all the distraction brought on by Clarett. I mean, if the latest accusation is true, and he’s actually shorting waitresses in the heartland of rural Northern Ohio, what does that say about the team he played six games for over four years ago? It’s simple. Vince Young will win the championship for Texas. It’s that simple.

Fowler: Uhh… Mark, Young is in the NFL now. Texas will have a couple of new QBs at the helm.

May: I meant that the legacy of Vince Young will serve as motivation for Texas to win the title. Look, forget the Buckeyes. Stick a fork in ’em. They’re done.

Corso: That Vince Young. BOOM! Ha. Great kid.

Fowler: One has to wonder if the rumors were true that Vince Young was born from one of Charlie Weis’ bowel movements 22 years ago.

Holtz: …..zzzzzzzz…finyngmnnnnn…zzzzzz….

fowler

Fowler: This just in to the ESPN newsdesk: Maurice Clarett has been seen launching long-range missiles into Israel.

Herbie: Oh, for crying out loud. Just come on. That’s ridiculous.

Fowler: That’s what it says, Kirk. We are just reporting.

May: Kirk, didn’t you quarterback for the team that suspended Clarett a decade later?

herbie

Herbie: Die in a fire, Mark.

Corso: ZING!

trevAlberts: Hey guys!

Fowler: Trev?!? How’d you get in here? How’d you get past security?

Alberts: I hid in a laundry cart of jockstraps being sent up for washing from the ESPN workout facility.

Herbie: So that’s what that smell is. God, I need a drink.

Alberts: It’s Nebraska all the way this year, baby! The blackshirts are back!

corsoCorso: Not so fast, my smelly friend! It’s Nebraska with the whee and the whaa and the flbtz…. HAH!!!! I pay taxes! Kibbles and bits my friend!! KibblezNNNbitss!!! bpthphlept!! Owuuu!!

Holtz: zzzz…buymy book… “winth, lothez, & lethonz”… zzzzz

May: Trev?!? [their eyes lock]

Alberts: [running in slow motion towards May while violins play in background] Maaarrkk….

Herbie: [preparing seppuku]: Our father, who art in heaven…

May: Oh Trev, don’t ever go again!

Corso: Hbububbbubbbubbbuuububbbbbbbuuflpt!! A-hiyaaaa!

Alberts: Marry me, Mark! I won’t let us be separated again!

May: I will! [more violins]

Herbie: HMMGGHRRFGHhhhh… aaauuuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…… *wheeze*cough* *plop* [dies in a pool of his own blood]

fowlerFowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For Lou Holtz, the misters Alberts, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, I’m Chris Fowler, and we’ll see you on GameDay. Go Irish.

Comments

  1. FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ

  2. Good work…I wish you could have worked Stephen A. in there. He has been climbing the dick-o-meter as of late.

  3. That was fantastic. Comedy gold. No, comedy platinum. Perhaps even comedy einsteinium, but we’d have to send a sample to the Los Alamos National Comedy Laboratory to know for sure.

  4. Pretty much the actual transcript. I hate listening to these people. Thanks for the laughs.

  5. I passed this along to a lot of people. You’ve gained some solid readership not only from this, but because one of you refers to yourselves as “Yon-Rambo”. Great memories of stab-wounds.

  6. Excellent stuff

Trackbacks

  1. […] That’s right, ladies and gents, he’s back! After Trev and Mark May were reunited earlier this month on College Gameday’s preview, Trev has finally landed a new gig at CSTV. Mrs. Mark May seems to have settled in and has already suffered blunt trauma to his head. That can only explain how he could pump out such garbage. His words are a bright red cape, dangled before me, el Toro. Trev, el Matador, however, finds himself with no estoque, no blade to drive into my skull. So as he flashes the cape, I become enraged, coming to know a seething, fire-red hatred that only his trampling will quell. And so I must. I must trample. Doing my best to ape the guys at Fire Joe Morgan, I delve into the Madness of Trev. Let’s take a look, shall we? […]

  2. […] killed off Kirk Herbstreit in a number of ways (here, here, here, here, and here). We introduced the world to Tressnac The Magnificent and his trusty […]

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