You want drama?!?

Okay, now the situation surrounding [HWSNBN] has reached a Mount K-2 level of dramatic shame and hilarity. At this point, we’re confident that phones were ringing off the hook this morning in Hollywood, as producers scrambled to be first with a movie-of-the-week pitch for [HWSNBN]‘s life story.

In honor of that inevitable ABC/ESPN Sunday Night Movie, here are the actors we’d like to see playing the principal parts of [movie voice ON]:

“Maurice: Third Down and Life to Go …Go… go…

[movie voice OFF]

Main Cast

Male lead – Gary Coleman

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Tressel?!?”

Now hang on, I know, “he’s no football player.” Do you think a little detail like that will matter to Hollywood producers, anyway? Besides, what a perfect metaphorical casting choice for a character that overcomes obstacles along life’s path. And it’d be funny, cause Coleman is small and stuff.

Coach Jim Tressel – Ed Harris

“On the contrary, gentlemen. I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”

Clean-cut, well dressed, doesn’t take crap from nobody.

AD Andy Geiger – Yogi Bear

“Gee, Boo-Boo. Do ya think the NCAA would mind?!?”

Might have to go CGI on this one. But I’m sure Yogi could use the work.

Supporting Cast

Clarett’s Mother – Kathy Bates
“Youuu playin’ the fooseball, Maurice?!?”

Yes, I know she’s caucasian. But she’s perfect. Nobody will ever think of another football mother without thinking of Bates.

Nick Mango, Clarett Family Attorney – Chris Kattan

Nobody does Mango like Kattan. ‘Nuff said.

Hai Waknine, Jewish Mobster – Woody Allen
“I-I don’t like violence. It gives me nausea. Makes me vomit; it’s so unhealthy. Now pay back the money or you’ll be swimming with the Gefilte fishes.”

Coming soon to an ESPN channel near you. Check local listings.


  1. I’d pay to see it!

  2. I”M THERE!

  3. Who plays the role of Tom Friend?

  4. Herringbone

    Hmmm… someone with ties to ESPN… a journalist… knows OSU… craves media attention…

    How about this guy?

  5. LOL. Funny. Although Woody Allen looks nothing like the real Hai Waknine.


  1. […] In the meantime, why not amuse yourself with this very relevant walk down MotSaG memory lane. July 27, 2010 | sportsMonkey | Filed Under Ohio State […]

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: