You want drama?!?

Okay, now the situation surrounding [HWSNBN] has reached a Mount K-2 level of dramatic shame and hilarity. At this point, we’re confident that phones were ringing off the hook this morning in Hollywood, as producers scrambled to be first with a movie-of-the-week pitch for [HWSNBN]‘s life story.

In honor of that inevitable ABC/ESPN Sunday Night Movie, here are the actors we’d like to see playing the principal parts of [movie voice ON]:

[movie voice OFF]

Main Cast

Male lead – Gary Coleman

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Tressel?!?”

Now hang on, I know, “he’s no football player.” Do you think a little detail like that will matter to Hollywood producers, anyway? Besides, what a perfect metaphorical casting choice for a character that overcomes obstacles along life’s path. And it’d be funny, cause Coleman is small and stuff.

Coach Jim Tressel – Ed Harris

“On the contrary, gentlemen. I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”

Clean-cut, well dressed, doesn’t take crap from nobody.

AD Andy Geiger – Yogi Bear

“Gee, Boo-Boo. Do ya think the NCAA would mind?!?”

Might have to go CGI on this one. But I’m sure Yogi could use the work.

Supporting Cast

Clarett’s Mother – Kathy Bates

“Youuu playin’ the fooseball, Maurice?!?”

Yes, I know she’s caucasian. But she’s perfect. Nobody will ever think of another football mother without thinking of Bates.

Nick Mango, Clarett Family Attorney – Chris Kattan

Nobody does Mango like Kattan. ‘Nuff said.

Hai Waknine, Jewish Mobster – Woody Allen

“I-I don’t like violence. It gives me nausea. Makes me vomit; it’s so unhealthy. Now pay back the money or you’ll be swimming with the Gefilte fishes.”

Coming soon to an ESPN channel near you. Check local listings.