Okay, now the situation surrounding [HWSNBN] has reached a Mount K-2 level of dramatic shame and hilarity. At this point, we’re confident that phones were ringing off the hook this morning in Hollywood, as producers scrambled to be first with a movie-of-the-week pitch for [HWSNBN]‘s life story.
In honor of that inevitable ABC/ESPN Sunday Night Movie, here are the actors we’d like to see playing the principal parts of [movie voice ON]:
[movie voice OFF]
Male lead – Gary Coleman
Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Tressel?!?”
Now hang on, I know, “he’s no football player.” Do you think a little detail like that will matter to Hollywood producers, anyway? Besides, what a perfect metaphorical casting choice for a character that overcomes obstacles along life’s path. And it’d be funny, cause Coleman is small and stuff.
Coach Jim Tressel – Ed Harris
“On the contrary, gentlemen. I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”
Clean-cut, well dressed, doesn’t take crap from nobody.
AD Andy Geiger – Yogi Bear
“Gee, Boo-Boo. Do ya think the NCAA would mind?!?”
Might have to go CGI on this one. But I’m sure Yogi could use the work.
Clarett’s Mother – Kathy Bates
“Youuu playin’ the fooseball, Maurice?!?”
Yes, I know she’s caucasian. But she’s perfect. Nobody will ever think of another football mother without thinking of Bates.
Nick Mango, Clarett Family Attorney – Chris Kattan
Nobody does Mango like Kattan. ‘Nuff said.
Hai Waknine, Jewish Mobster – Woody Allen
“I-I don’t like violence. It gives me nausea. Makes me vomit; it’s so unhealthy. Now pay back the money or you’ll be swimming with the Gefilte fishes.”
Coming soon to an ESPN channel near you. Check local listings.