The good guys pulled away late against the evil empi… well, more like a local coffee shop from the North on Saturday but it came with a price-J.T. Barrett is out for the season and Ohio State is down another leading man before taking on the Badgers in Indianapolis in a few days.
I’ve never seen a team have such horrible luck as the 2014 Ohio State squad- Oh wait, I have. Somehow it seems like every player on my Blue Jackets has AIDS…
Honestly I don’t think they have enough healthy bodies to change a light-bulb.
Unfortunate hockey players aside, somehow the regular season is over (except for the communist Big 12) and conference awards are being announced. Being a negative fan, this makes me sick.
These coaches and players don’t need their already huge egos fed so it’s time to put some people in their place. I’ve decided to give out some shame awards to some really messed up people. It’s time to make some people feel really bad.
Put on your nicest jean jacket-Here is the first ever Big Ten Player Hatin’ Awards:
Heathen of the Year:
What is the best food option if it’s ten degrees outside and you need a bite to eat? You eat a damn dilly bar as this Minnesota electronics coordinator did.
Frostbite and diabetes, does this man have no care for his limbs?
Congrats to Dan Lehman you goof.
The Patrick Bateman Bipolar Award:
There is a team this year that doesn’t know who they are most games. This team somehow has convincing wins @ Wisconsin @ Penn State and a neutral site overtime win over Notre Dame.
This same squad has also lost to Northern Illinois, Iowa, Michigan and Illinois…
There is nothing more uncomfortable than dealing with somebody who doesn’t know who they are.
Northwestern you should be ashamed, find a way to define yourselves next year. Are you wusses or are you cold blooded killers?
The Anne Hathaway- Should I Kiss or Punch You- Coach of the Year:
Sometimes she looks like a ten, sometimes she looks like a gremlin…
Sometimes Tom Herman, Ohio State’s offensive coordinator, will out think himself on a 2nd and 1 and call something stupid like a delayed quarterback run to the outside that will lose 3 yards.
Other times he looks like the Broyles Award candiate that he is. You can’t deny how amazing quarterbacks have performed under him for the last three years.
Similar to Northwestern, pick a trait you ignorant genius.
The Rickety Cricket Bum of the Year:
I’m in a giving mood so this prestigious award will go to 5 men- The Penn State offensive line. Maybe the worst position group I have ever seen from a Big Ten school and that’s saying something.
These clowns get beat more than me when my wife gets a little liquor in her and that’s also saying something.
The You Look Like Randy Bobandy Award:
Going to have to leave the conference this year but it’s finally good to see Randy isn’t hooking for cheeseburgers anymore- He’s a professional kicker! Randy Bullock wins the big one.
First Team All Conference Horrible Names Team:
This is more a hate indictment on the player’s parents but these kids should be ashamed nonetheless. Some names really piss me off.
QB: Reilly O’Toole, Illinois- So Irish that he puts whiskey in his water bottle and prefers the center to snap him bangers over footballs.
RB: Keyante Green, Purdue- Goes delicious with fava beans and dude brains.
WR: Connor Cummins, Wisconsin- I think I’ve seen one of his “online videos” and it was definitely on accident, I promise.
TE: Freedom Akinmoladun, Wisconsin- …
FYI: Jake Butt was too easy and my brother actually is pretty good friends with him so I’ll leave him alone, for now.
OL 1: Mitch Keppy, Iowa- Most Iowa white boy name ever. Guarantee you he loves Taylor Swift, pickup trucks and Chipotle. Get some culture bro.
OL 2: Bryan Stonkus, Rutgers- He’s probably a nice guy but his name just gives off a vibe of a really gross dude.
DL 1: Thieren Cockran, Minnesota- His first name reeks of a pretentious Shakespeare character, his last name…
DL 2: Taco Charlton, Michigan- My brother also grew up with this young man but every time I see him play I get real hungry and somehow end up at Taco Bell which adds to my gut that is growing at an alarming rate. Please graduate soon.
LB 1: Zepheniah Grimes, Illinois- Simply dismal.
LB 2: D’Cota Dixon, Wisconsin- This makes zero sense homey. Is substituting an ‘ really saving you that much more time than using an A?
DB 1: Lubern Figaro, Wisconsin- For god’s sake Badgers, does Gary Anderson only recruit kids with terrible names?
DB 2: Godwin Igwebuike, Northwestern- Holy hell, another Pickerington kid that I watched grow up with my brother. Maybe there is something to the crazy names and being successful in this city…
Now that I am married and live in Picktown, I have decided my first born will be named God-Butt Taco Black.
Kicker: Emmit Carpenter, Minnesota- Sorry kid but watching the Cowboys growing up I just cannot accept an Emmit who looks like this:
Punter,: Logan McElfresh, Minnesota- Another goofer, sounds like a damn Mcdonalds 5 dollar salad.
There it is you jamokes, the first edition of the Big Ten Player Awards is finally over. Thank God.
I’m headed to Indy in a few days and I hope to see you there.
I’ll be the ugly guy in the
red scarlet shirt sitting with other lower middle class people in section 625.
Lucky me, as I just read that this is listed as a Wisconsin section so Badger fans come find me and we can do two things:
Get drunk and fight.
Bonus: This basically sums up one of the funniest shows on t.v.
Double Bonus: Severe spoilers from Season 4 of Boardwalk Empire below, you are warned. One of the most beautifully sad scenes in history in my opinion.