There’s still few hours until game time, but join in the festivities before kick-off!

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Fowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football Preview, here on ESPN. 2011 is shaping up to be another great season for college football, and not just for the SEC.

I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, Erin Andrews, and Mark May. Later we’ll be joined by Desmond Howard and our old pal Kirk Herbstreit.

All co-anchors: Hi.

Fowler: Let’s start with what was a very tumultous offseason. Mark… so many scandals, shocking behavior. It’s almost amazing that the chaos was limited entirely to the Ohio State program.

May: Absolutely, Chris. While Ohio State’s implosion was not surprising, it was amazing that no the other schools in college football did anything worth noting this summer.

Holtz: (nods) Yesth. A very quiet off-season, overall.

Fowler: Quiet for everyone except the fans in Columbus, who are the very reason we have our very own Kirk Herbstreit reporting from an undisclosed location in Tennessee. Welcome, Herbie.

(– Herbstreit appears on video monitor –)

Herbstreit: Hi everyone.

Fowler: So the fans in central Ohio were rough on you, huh?

Herbstreit: It was a nightmare, Chris. I had this social network account — “Twitter” — maybe you’ve heard of it, and some folks started to tweet some very nasty things. I had to uproot my wife and three boys and move down here to SEC country where I knew I’d be safe.

Howard: That is amazing. I can vouch for Kirk in that Big Ten fans can be rough like that. I don’t know that I’d move my family to where polar bears come from, though.

Andrews: Hi, Kirk; this is Erin. Might wanna either tell your camerman or your tanning spa lady to turn down the orange. Can’t tell.

(– Herbie’s lips quiver, fights back tears. Takes microphone off and leaves frame –)

Fowler: ERIN… you know how sensitive Kirk is. You can’t tease him like that. Now who knows where he’s gone.

Andrews: (laughing) Sorry Chris… it’s just too easy.

Holtz: That boy needth to grow thome thicker skin.

Corso: (points pencil at camera) I agree. Thick skin. Boy. Grow. …uh huh. Thicker!!

Fowler: Let’s move on. It’s obviously going to be another banner year for the SEC. Which team playing for the SEC title will win the national championship? Desmond?

Howard: Well, I was going to go with Texas this year, but the more I analyze the team, the less I think they can compete. Just looki– (audio cuts off)

Everyone: (shushing Desmond) SSHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Fowler: Um, what Desmond meant to say was that it was possible that Texas could contend for the national championship. He didn’t disparage the Longhorns, nor (– reads from cheat sheet –) “…reasonably make any inappropriate statements or actions disparaging the quality and reputation desired by the University of Texas or the Longhorn Network for ESPN on-air talent.” (takes deep breath) And speaking of legal obstacles, we’ll now welcome Craig James to the program.

James: (Joins crew on set) Watch it, Fowler.

Fowler: (nervously) Hahahaaa…. just kidding, pal. What insight do you have on this season?

James: Well, it’s going to be a good season. Of course, I’ll be running for US Senate –

Fowler: (interrupting) Whoa there, Craig… we’re not allowed to use ESPN as a platform for –

James: (gruffly) Interrupt me ONE MORE TIME and I’ll Feldman your skinny butt. Got it?

Fowler: (scared) …uh, sure, sure, buddy.

James: Anyway, like I was saying, I’ll be running for Senator for the great state of Tex- (audio cuts off, screen goes dark)

(– 30 seconds transpire. The familiar GameDay scene returns; Craig James is no longer there. –)

Fowler: Looks like we had some technical difficulties, there, thank you for watching. Let’s get back to the program.

May: Chris, if I may, we need to refocus on Terrelle Pryor’s tattoos.

Corso: I had a tattoo once. Funny guy. Was always looking for planes.

(– everyone exchanges awkward glances –)

Andrews: I spoke to several coaches about the NCAA violations at Ohio State. Everyone I spoke to, from Chip Kelley to Gene Chizek, and even former coaches like Randy Shannon and Pete Carroll, gave surprisingly positive, supportive comments about Jim Tressel and the Ohio State program.

Fowler: Yes, some fine gentlemen there, supporting a fellow coach, obviously relieved that similar drama has never invaded their own programs. (Puts finger to earpiece) I’m told we have Kirk Herbstreit back, Kirk, are you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor alongside Nancy Grace –)

Herbstreit: Yes, Chris, I’m here. It was necessary to leave ESPN and move here to the relative safety of CNN.

Grace: Don’t you worry about Kirk, fellas. I’ve got my eye on him.

Holtz: Kirk, you can’t keep doin thisth, son. You gotta settle down somewhere.

Herbstreit: Let it go, old man. I’m here to talk football.

Grace: What just a minute here! You call that sweet old man ‘OLD MAN?!? Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?!?

Everyone: Nancy, don’t!! You’ll make him —

Herbstreit: Stop yelling at me!! (sobs, tears out microphone, runs off set crying)

Grace: Good riddance, Bronzholio.

Andrews: OOHH I am so stealing that!! (addresses producer off-camera) What tech do I have to flash to get “bronzholio” in the ESPN crawler at the bottom of the screen? For the rest of the afternoon?

Fowler: Let’s spend a few minutes discussing the Pac10. Desmond, lots of great running backs up at Oregon this year. Any of them faster or better than the eventual SEC Heisman winner?

Howard: Yes, I agree. Terrelle Pryor got tattoos. Big ones. I saw one on his arm and was all like “that must have hurt going on” but I guess the pain was worth it for someone wanting to take down Ohio State. Just amazing that no other football team had any issues this year. Strange.

Fowler: Yeah, certainly a strange year. Our own Mark May sat down with former coach Jim Tressel and new head coach Luke Fickell to get their perspectives… let’s run that.

(– video starts –)

May: Thanks for talking to me, coaches. Let me ask you this: Why did you decide to coach at OSU, instead of anywhere else where NCAA violations aren’t committed?

Tressel: I loved Ohio State, and in particular, the players, with all of my heart and wish them all the best in the future.

May: Great. Speaking of the future, let me ask you, Luke. I hear you do a mean Adam Sandler impression. Care to give us a preview?

Fickell: …Well… okay. Just this once. (Makes Sandler face)

“…abby doobie… abbie doobie…”

May: (laughing uncontrollably) HAHAHAHA abbie doobie and everything… Hee hee… so Mr. Tressel… lots of people asking where you’re going to end up. Any plans for the future?

Tressel: Well, I’m taking it easy… keeping my options open. Was thinking of going into broadcasting… I hear there’s a few open spots for talent over at the Longhorn Netwo- (video abruptly ends)

Fowler: (cheat sheet in hand… looking back and forth on-and-off camera for a few seconds) …um… looks like we had some technical difficulties there. We’ll try and play the rest of that conversation later on. In the meantime, I’m told that we have Kirk Herbstreit back again. Now… (motioning to the team) before I welcome him back, let’s everyone take it easy, okay?

Everyone: (snickering) Okay.

Fowler: Kirk, you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor, appears to be floating. –)

Herbstreit: Hi Chris, I’m here. The environment at CNN was so abusive that I had to move here to NASA TV. They’ve got me onboard the International Space Station.

Corso: He’s flying!!

(– Trev Alberts appears –)

Alberts: Hi everyone!!

Holtz: Trev?!? How’d you get up here? How’d you get past sthecurity?

Alberts: Easy. You are looking at the very first on-air talent hire for the Longhorn Network. We’re peers again!!

May: (eyes wide, mouth agape) TREV?!?…But…but this violates our restaining order!

Alberts: TALK TO THE HAND, FAT URKEL. Hey, where’s Herbie?

Corso: Herbie…. Kirk… boom zoom Moon.

Herbstreit: Up here, Trev. Welcome back, I guess.

Andrews: Hey Herbie, you know you’re above the ozone layer, right? You can get a tan in like 30 seconds up there.

Herbstreit: THAT’S IT!! I GIVE UP!! (opens helmet) (FOOM) (explosively decompresses)

Holtz: Oh… thath disthgusting.

Andrews: WOOO! I totally got dibs on his hairstylist!!

Howard: Man. What a privilege. To die broadcasting from the bottom of the sea like that. Inspiring.

Fowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For the crew here at the Longhorn Network, ESPN, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.

 

 

 

 

**Author’s Notes: el Kaiser was a co-author for this post. Some images found on 30fps. And if you thought we were exaggerating with the Longhorn Network legalese: check it out for yourself. Sometimes reality has its own comic exaggeration.

It is September 3rd, 2011 12:05 PM and you are on the field getting ready to either kickoff or receive the kick and you look down at the other end and you see the 2011 Akron Zips special teams. What goes through you mind? If you read any of the previews on the Zips you probably aren’t shaking in your cleats. More than likely, your blood is boiling and your mouth is watering. You see fear and undersized and under-talented competition looking back at you. You think about every word that was written about you and your brethren over the last nine months and you are seething. You remember how people dismissed you as a team and how some of your brothers are sitting or, worse, gone from the team. You look for that familiar father figure that has always been there on the sideline to comfort and support and yell and coach you but he is gone. You have been working out and practicing hard for weeks or months waiting all you want to do is hit someone and hit them as hard as you can. You are trying to live up to your teams motto: SHOCK THE WORLD. This opponent and this game won’t do that, exactly, but it is the stepping stone to the season. A season in which you will shut up the doubters and the haters and, well, you will Shock the World.

The 2010 Akron Zips were 1-11 and ranked over 100th in every possible statistical category in FBS football. Mind you the FBS only has 119 teams. Akron is returning seven defensive starters and six offensive starters. They have a few transfers coming in including a WR named A. J. Price from Penn St. and a QB named Clayton Moore from Ole Miss. They return their QB from last year, Patrick Nicely, but most expect Moore to compete for playing time early. The OL has two new starters in Paul Simkovich and Adam Bice. The running backs should be Jawon Chisolm and Broderick Alexander who is returning from an achilles heel injury. The WRs are tall and athletic and will be led by A. J. Price. Did I mention in 2010 Akron was ranked 119th in total offense out of 119 teams YIKES. They have to improve right?

The defense wasn’t much better if not worse then the offense last year. Akron scored 187 points in 2010 and gave up a whopping 421 points. They do return seven starters but the question is can the added experience make them any better? Akron has no real strengths on defense they do have a couple of JUCO transfers but honestly there isn’t much to discuss about their defense.

What should we expect from OSU? You should expect to see the 1st team out there for about one quarter each half. You should expect to see OSU play as many players as they can. You can expect to see a team determined to prove themselves to the doubters and haters. You can expect New head coach Luke Fickell to play it close to the “vest” so to say. I seriously doubt he will let his team loose on a team so undeserving of a butt whooping. The real question is can Akron do anything to slow down this team in any way and find a way to move the ball on offense?

So now we get to the fun part, the questions for everyone to answer.

Will OSU score over or under 50 points?
How many turnovers will OSU take away and lose?
Who will be the leading rusher and how many yards?
Who will throw the most passing TDs?
How many points will Akron score?
How many times will the announcers of the game mention Tattoo or Scandal?
Finally, How many times will they accidentally call Coach Fickell …. Coach Tressel?

(via ABC6)

COLUMBUS, Ohio— As part of its continued work with the NCAA to resolve any remaining football compliance issues, Ohio State today announced that it has self-reported violations involving three student-athletes. That review has led to junior running back Jordan Hall, sophomore defensive back Corey Brown, and junior defensive back Travis Howard disclosing that they had received impermissible benefits of $300 or less each in total at a charity event they attended earlier in the year.

Consistent with past practice, the university immediately reviewed this information and self-reported the infractions to the NCAA and the Big Ten. In accordance with NCAA regulations, the university will not permit them to participate in the Sept. 3 game versus Akron. Although Ohio State has filed for their reinstatement for the remainder of the 2011 season, the university also is considering institutional sanctions for these student-athletes.

Athletics Director Gene Smith said, “We take this matter seriously. Our commitment to institutional integrity is steadfast, and we must hold everyone associated with our athletics programs accountable for lapses in judgment. We believe in transparency with the NCAA, all regulatory bodies and all of Buckeye Nation.”

The university will have no further comment.

During the Tressel era, most seasons began without the dreaded quarterback controversy that some schools seem to get into on an annual basis. While there have been a few instances of in-season shuffling due to injury or performance concerns, we have almost always had either a phenomenal returning starter (Krenzel, Smith, Pryor) or have known which youngster/patient elder is going to get first crack at the job (Zwick, Boeckman). And if this were still the Tressel era, Joe Bauserman would be the starting QB until the first loss.

But Coach Fickell is in a position that Tressel never was: he absolutely must win a significant number of games to keep this job–his dream job. That doesn’t necessarily mean Bauserman is not the answer, but his history of poor decisions in live game action and his career average of four feet per carry do not inspire excitement among the fanbase, who upon Pryor’s departure, immediately split into two distinct camps: Anybody But Bauserman and Don’t Know/Did Not Respond.

Fickell has already announced that both Bauserman and Braxton Miller will see time in the opener and that Bauserman will take the first snap. It’s probably too much to hope for that Miller takes the second snap and every snap thereafter, but at least we can rest assured that if Miller blows Bauserman out of the water performance-wise, he will be the man going forward.

Personally, I prefer a single quarterback system because I believe that continuity is one of the key intangibles to a successful football team. I don’t mind watching Bauserman and Miller battle it out against an Akron team that gives being terrible a bad name. If it carries over against a slight step up in competition when Toledo comes to town, I can deal with that, too. But if we’re heading down to Miami with an “OR” on the depth chart, I’ll start getting a little nervous.

That’s not to say that a two-quarterback system can’t work. The way that Urban Meyer (and, notably, new WR coach Stan Drayton) used Chris Leak and Tim Tebow was successful, but may not be applicable here as Tebow in that structure was essentially a fullback who could jump-shoot a TD pass if he had to. But for Ohio State, recent experiments with the dual-QB concept have been frustratingly unnecessary (Stan Jackson/Joe Germaine) or downright disastrous (Todd Boeckman/Terrelle Pryor @ USC).

If I was Coach Fickell, I would probably just start Miller from the get-go. I would have likely named him the starter as soon as I got off the phone from accepting the head coaching position (after chugging two beers simultaneously and crushing the cans on my head, of course). As it is, I feel like Miller is going to earn the job at some point in the season. The sooner the better.

If I was Coach Fickell, the first thing I would do is wrestle Jim Bollman to the ground in 1.3 seconds, choke him with one hand (the other would be high-fiving bro Mike Vrabel) until he’s as purple as Prince’s wardrobe. As pleas for mercy sputter from his cold lips, I laugh and force him to scrawl a jittery, childish signature on a conveniently-prepared resignation letter while I hover over him asking repeatedly if he wants some more of this.

Then, I would make the easiest decision of my life: Pick a starting running back to fill in for Boom Herron for five weeks.

The truth is, the talent at the position is so deep that Fickell could let the Iowa Republican party choose a starter by straw poll and it would probably work out (Ron Paul just keeps those legs churning).

But anyway, since I have to choose, here’s my depth chart, subject to change at any minute:

1A) Jordan Hall

Despite talk of a move to wide receiver, Jordan Hall is still getting plenty of reps in the backfield in practice. There is also a growing sense that the young receiving corps is catching on well. I think this points more to a motion-out role for Hall in the passing game than a full-fledged WR spot, although I do expect him to be involved in five-wide sets. Hall’s versatility (he threw a TD pass to Pryor against EMU last year) and solid running (4.9 yards a carry in 2009-2010) gets him the nod, as this offense will need to be a little more creative than usual in the early games.

1B) Carlos Hyde

I originally had Hyde pegged as a power back who would come in to convert short-yardage situations, but with Jaamal Berry still battling injuries, I have to question his reliability. Hyde has some minimal game experience, putting up 5.9 yards a carry in six games last season and is a punishing runner with a little more athleticism than one generally expects from power backs. There has been some buzz around him in fall camp, and I think he may be ready to break out.

2A) Jaamal Berry

I like Berry, but I’m afraid he’s going to be one of those guys who’s always hurt. His primary contribution to this team will continue to be on kick returns, although he may play a role in the passing game similar to Hall.

2B) Rod Smith

If Berry were healthy, Smith would probably be a solid #3. Still, he has drawn comparisons to the great Eddie George from some observers, and that alone intrigues me. I think he’ll get most of his opportunities in garbage time, but I also think he’ll make the most of them, setting himself up for a shot at the starting job next fall.

Post-Suspension

Eventually we’ll get to the Nebraska game and the return of Boom. Coach Fickell has made it clear that the suspended players will need to earn their spots back, but I don’t think that’s going to be an issue for Boom. Like Antonio Pittman before him, Herron became a dark-horse 1000-yarder last season and ripped off an awesome 89-yarder against Michigan that would have been even longer if not for one of the worst holding calls ever. I do think the carries will still be spread out a little, but Boom will get the bulk of them for the remainder of the season.

Today we are going to take a look at one of Ohio State’s real strengths: the tight ends. Recent history has shown that OSU doesn’t use the tight end in the passing game very much. They’re glorified skinny tackles, an extra blocker for the offensive line. We haven’t had this much talent at tight end in recent history either, though. Not since Ben Hartsock have we had as talented a tight end as we do with our starters. On top of that, OSU has a stable of capable backups to go with the starters that, in, previous years would have easily started and thrived if OSU used the tight end as an offensive weapon. So lets get this started and talk about the two starters and hit the talking points about the backups.

Tight End #1 – This first guy is an absolute stud. He has the ability of a wide receiver but the body of a tight end and he has improved his strength and blocking. Jake Stoneburner is a 6′ 5″ 245 pound redshirt junior out of Dublin Coffman. He has size and speed. Jake has shown flashes of greatness but has been under utilized immensely in his career. Word out of camp this year is that it is about to change dramatically. Coach Fickell has said that he expects to use the tight end in the passing game more and that Jake will line up occasionally as a wide receiver to give his quarterback a bigger target and allow him to use his size and strength to over power smaller defensive backs or take advantage of slower linebackers if the defense doesn’t realize what’s going on. Overall, Jake has a chance to be great if he is just given the right system to flourish in.

Tight End #2 – Size, size, size. That is what I see in the #2 tight end this year. Reid Fragel is 6′ 8″ 280 pound true junior out of Michigan. Reid had a fairly successful year in 2010 even as the backup tight end in a system that doesn’t give the tight end a chance to shine very often. Reid is mostly known for his power and blocking but he is a sure handed pass catcher and has proven to be a valuable asset. Given that Coach Fickell wants to use the tight end more he should see his productivity increase in 2011.

The above listed tight ends are very capable players and should shine this coming season. If for any reason though they falter or get injured the backups will fill their shoes and step right into their spots. OSU has gotten a talented group of tight ends and the guys I am about to list are ready to earn their playing time.

Jeff Heuerman – Is a 6′ 5″ 240 pound true freshman out of Florida. He was a highly touted recruit and is very good at pass catching and blocking. As a side note, his dad played basketball at, of all places, Michigan, so score this one a victory for OSU.

Kyle Schuck is a 6′ 1″ 225 pound redshirt freshman walk-on tight end from Pennsylvania who may get a chance on special teams this year.

Spencer Smith is a 6′ 2″ 236 pound fifth year senior from Cincinnati whose brother, Connor, was an offensive lineman for the Buckeyes. He is a capable blocker and finds a place on special teams.

Nick Vannett is a 6′ 6″ 235 pound true freshman tight end from Westerville. He is the highest ranked tight end recruit OSU has had in a long time and has the skills to produce early and often. He is a polished receiver and blocker already and should have a great career that will start early.

In Case You Missed It (but you probably didn’t, because you are the quintessential Buckeye fan and you are plugged-in and on top of all things Buckeye but we’ll link it anyway because we love to talk about Ohio State football. Sure, we’ve discussed this will all our Buckeye friends already but here it is again.) is back:

I seem to remember things differently. The door on the Terrelle Pryor Saga is mostly closed so this is like screaming into a disconnected phone, but it really bothered me when local (and national) pundits were referring to Pryor’s dislike for contact. I thought to myself, “Self: I seem to remember on more than one occasion that we all cringed as Pryor opted for one more hit than step out of bounds, right?” sportsMonkey later mentioned the same thing. So I went to the YourToobs. Sure enough. Examples: here, here, here, DEFINITELY here, and here and well I could go on, but that should do.

(I should note: I noticed how little joy I felt watching “Terrelle Pryor Highlights” on YouTube. It didn’t do it for me, like say, THIS VIDEO does. The chills kick in before the music even starts)

It’s just too easy. Yes, it’s easy to mock the Bleacher Report mercilessly, but they’re trying, guys! Anyway, here’s you’re weekly shooting fish in a barrel: This Bleacher Report list: 10 Buckeyes that wouldn’t start today makes my brain hurt.

My Twitter gently weeps. If it wasn’t official before, it appears to be so now: James Louis has transferred to Florida International University and is hoping to qualify for a hardship exception waiver so he doesn’t have to sit out for the NCAA-mandated one year following a transfer.

Ohio State transfer wide receiver James Louis and West Virginia transfer running back Daquan Hargrett both practiced Friday evening, coach Mario Cristobal confirmed.

It’s more than just a game. Speaking of weeping, you might want to have some tissues handy reading this from Ramzy over at Elfin Warriors.

#FIRECRAIGJAMES. Finally, Stewart Mandel (with whom we’ve vigorously disagreed with in the past) is awarded with an honorary title of MotSaG hero of the week for this line, after questioned whether or not he trusts Craig James when it comes to reporting about the Big 12:

I wouldn’t trust Craig James to report on sixth-grade volleyball.