Fowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football Preview, here on ESPN. 2011 is shaping up to be another great season for college football, and not just for the SEC.

I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, Erin Andrews, and Mark May. Later we’ll be joined by Desmond Howard and our old pal Kirk Herbstreit.

All co-anchors: Hi.

Fowler: Let’s start with what was a very tumultous offseason. Mark… so many scandals, shocking behavior. It’s almost amazing that the chaos was limited entirely to the Ohio State program.

May: Absolutely, Chris. While Ohio State’s implosion was not surprising, it was amazing that no the other schools in college football did anything worth noting this summer.

Holtz: (nods) Yesth. A very quiet off-season, overall.

Fowler: Quiet for everyone except the fans in Columbus, who are the very reason we have our very own Kirk Herbstreit reporting from an undisclosed location in Tennessee. Welcome, Herbie.

(– Herbstreit appears on video monitor –)

Herbstreit: Hi everyone.

Fowler: So the fans in central Ohio were rough on you, huh?

Herbstreit: It was a nightmare, Chris. I had this social network account — “Twitter” — maybe you’ve heard of it, and some folks started to tweet some very nasty things. I had to uproot my wife and three boys and move down here to SEC country where I knew I’d be safe.

Howard: That is amazing. I can vouch for Kirk in that Big Ten fans can be rough like that. I don’t know that I’d move my family to where polar bears come from, though.

Andrews: Hi, Kirk; this is Erin. Might wanna either tell your camerman or your tanning spa lady to turn down the orange. Can’t tell.

(– Herbie’s lips quiver, fights back tears. Takes microphone off and leaves frame –)

Fowler: ERIN… you know how sensitive Kirk is. You can’t tease him like that. Now who knows where he’s gone.

Andrews: (laughing) Sorry Chris… it’s just too easy.

Holtz: That boy needth to grow thome thicker skin.

Corso: (points pencil at camera) I agree. Thick skin. Boy. Grow. …uh huh. Thicker!!

Fowler: Let’s move on. It’s obviously going to be another banner year for the SEC. Which team playing for the SEC title will win the national championship? Desmond?

Howard: Well, I was going to go with Texas this year, but the more I analyze the team, the less I think they can compete. Just looki– (audio cuts off)

Everyone: (shushing Desmond) SSHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Fowler: Um, what Desmond meant to say was that it was possible that Texas could contend for the national championship. He didn’t disparage the Longhorns, nor (– reads from cheat sheet –) “…reasonably make any inappropriate statements or actions disparaging the quality and reputation desired by the University of Texas or the Longhorn Network for ESPN on-air talent.” (takes deep breath) And speaking of legal obstacles, we’ll now welcome Craig James to the program.

James: (Joins crew on set) Watch it, Fowler.

Fowler: (nervously) Hahahaaa…. just kidding, pal. What insight do you have on this season?

James: Well, it’s going to be a good season. Of course, I’ll be running for US Senate –

Fowler: (interrupting) Whoa there, Craig… we’re not allowed to use ESPN as a platform for –

James: (gruffly) Interrupt me ONE MORE TIME and I’ll Feldman your skinny butt. Got it?

Fowler: (scared) …uh, sure, sure, buddy.

James: Anyway, like I was saying, I’ll be running for Senator for the great state of Tex- (audio cuts off, screen goes dark)

(– 30 seconds transpire. The familiar GameDay scene returns; Craig James is no longer there. –)

Fowler: Looks like we had some technical difficulties, there, thank you for watching. Let’s get back to the program.

May: Chris, if I may, we need to refocus on Terrelle Pryor’s tattoos.

Corso: I had a tattoo once. Funny guy. Was always looking for planes.

(– everyone exchanges awkward glances –)

Andrews: I spoke to several coaches about the NCAA violations at Ohio State. Everyone I spoke to, from Chip Kelley to Gene Chizek, and even former coaches like Randy Shannon and Pete Carroll, gave surprisingly positive, supportive comments about Jim Tressel and the Ohio State program.

Fowler: Yes, some fine gentlemen there, supporting a fellow coach, obviously relieved that similar drama has never invaded their own programs. (Puts finger to earpiece) I’m told we have Kirk Herbstreit back, Kirk, are you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor alongside Nancy Grace –)

Herbstreit: Yes, Chris, I’m here. It was necessary to leave ESPN and move here to the relative safety of CNN.

Grace: Don’t you worry about Kirk, fellas. I’ve got my eye on him.

Holtz: Kirk, you can’t keep doin thisth, son. You gotta settle down somewhere.

Herbstreit: Let it go, old man. I’m here to talk football.

Grace: What just a minute here! You call that sweet old man ‘OLD MAN?!? Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?!?

Everyone: Nancy, don’t!! You’ll make him —

Herbstreit: Stop yelling at me!! (sobs, tears out microphone, runs off set crying)

Grace: Good riddance, Bronzholio.

Andrews: OOHH I am so stealing that!! (addresses producer off-camera) What tech do I have to flash to get “bronzholio” in the ESPN crawler at the bottom of the screen? For the rest of the afternoon?

Fowler: Let’s spend a few minutes discussing the Pac10. Desmond, lots of great running backs up at Oregon this year. Any of them faster or better than the eventual SEC Heisman winner?

Howard: Yes, I agree. Terrelle Pryor got tattoos. Big ones. I saw one on his arm and was all like “that must have hurt going on” but I guess the pain was worth it for someone wanting to take down Ohio State. Just amazing that no other football team had any issues this year. Strange.

Fowler: Yeah, certainly a strange year. Our own Mark May sat down with former coach Jim Tressel and new head coach Luke Fickell to get their perspectives… let’s run that.

(– video starts –)

May: Thanks for talking to me, coaches. Let me ask you this: Why did you decide to coach at OSU, instead of anywhere else where NCAA violations aren’t committed?

Tressel: I loved Ohio State, and in particular, the players, with all of my heart and wish them all the best in the future.

May: Great. Speaking of the future, let me ask you, Luke. I hear you do a mean Adam Sandler impression. Care to give us a preview?

Fickell: …Well… okay. Just this once. (Makes Sandler face)

“…abby doobie… abbie doobie…”

May: (laughing uncontrollably) HAHAHAHA abbie doobie and everything… Hee hee… so Mr. Tressel… lots of people asking where you’re going to end up. Any plans for the future?

Tressel: Well, I’m taking it easy… keeping my options open. Was thinking of going into broadcasting… I hear there’s a few open spots for talent over at the Longhorn Netwo- (video abruptly ends)

Fowler: (cheat sheet in hand… looking back and forth on-and-off camera for a few seconds) …um… looks like we had some technical difficulties there. We’ll try and play the rest of that conversation later on. In the meantime, I’m told that we have Kirk Herbstreit back again. Now… (motioning to the team) before I welcome him back, let’s everyone take it easy, okay?

Everyone: (snickering) Okay.

Fowler: Kirk, you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor, appears to be floating. –)

Herbstreit: Hi Chris, I’m here. The environment at CNN was so abusive that I had to move here to NASA TV. They’ve got me onboard the International Space Station.

Corso: He’s flying!!

(– Trev Alberts appears –)

Alberts: Hi everyone!!

Holtz: Trev?!? How’d you get up here? How’d you get past sthecurity?

Alberts: Easy. You are looking at the very first on-air talent hire for the Longhorn Network. We’re peers again!!

May: (eyes wide, mouth agape) TREV?!?…But…but this violates our restaining order!

Alberts: TALK TO THE HAND, FAT URKEL. Hey, where’s Herbie?

Corso: Herbie…. Kirk… boom zoom Moon.

Herbstreit: Up here, Trev. Welcome back, I guess.

Andrews: Hey Herbie, you know you’re above the ozone layer, right? You can get a tan in like 30 seconds up there.

Herbstreit: THAT’S IT!! I GIVE UP!! (opens helmet) (FOOM) (explosively decompresses)

Holtz: Oh… thath disthgusting.

Andrews: WOOO! I totally got dibs on his hairstylist!!

Howard: Man. What a privilege. To die broadcasting from the bottom of the sea like that. Inspiring.

Fowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For the crew here at the Longhorn Network, ESPN, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.

 

 

 

 

**Author’s Notes: el Kaiser was a co-author for this post. Some images found on 30fps. And if you thought we were exaggerating with the Longhorn Network legalese: check it out for yourself. Sometimes reality has its own comic exaggeration.

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Enjoy!

We have months (and perhaps years) to analyze Luke Fickell. And we shall.

But first, let’s let former head coach John Cooper properly introduce the man:

That man is now your head coach.

That man, who played through torn biceps to lead his team to a Rose Bowl victory and secure a school-record 50 consecutive starts, is now your head coach.

That man, who started on a line that went 41-8-1, who went to high school and won the state wrestling championship six miles away from the Horseshoe, who coached the special teams during OSU’s championship season (where he was given credit as ‘the one who single-handedly turned the punt and FG units into the conference’s best’), who was named Assistant Coach of the Year, who turned down a job at Notre effing Dame a few years ago to stay at OSU, and who served on a coaching staff that got two Michigan coaches to resign or be fired… that man is now your head coach.

Born and bred with the cred.

The recent allegations against Terrelle Pryor are more interesting when viewed in the context of another, apparently forgotten story from last year.

On the day before the Iowa game, university administrators announced that someone stole several pairs of shoes from the OSU football team’s locker room.

From the 10tv news report on the matter:

“School officials said 10 pairs of shoes were stolen from the locker room, including some belonging to Terrelle Pryor, Daniel Herron, Cameron Heyward, Chimdi Checkwa and Devier Posey.

“The thief stole four pairs of shoes belonging to Pryor alone… The university said the thefts were likely an inside job.”

Consider that information against one of the allegations contained within the SI article:

“Ellis estimates that Pryor alone brought in more than 20 items, including game-worn shoulder pads, multiple helmets, , the Best Futsal Shoes, Nike cleats, jerseys, game pants and more. One day Ellis asked Pryor how he was able to take so much gear from the university’s equipment room. Ellis says the quarterback responded, ‘I get whatever I want.'”

And, finally, an interesting few sentences from yesterday’s ESPN article:

“[The Former Friend] said Pryor would get the merchandise to sign from Talbott, who would ‘bring it to TP, and he would sign it and he would bring him cash…’ He said he witnessed the transactions occur about three to four times a week at Pryor’s apartment.

“The former friend said Pryor would spend his money lavishly at times, that the player had a ‘shoe fetish…'”

I want to be clear: I’m not accusing Pryor of anything. I’m only pointing out an interesting circumstantial correlation in the stories, and wondering if anyone else has investigated this.

And if not, why? Don’t tell me that we’re the first ones to bring this up.

In a world where helping your father try to extort $180,000 gets you a Heisman and a NC shot, it seems disingenuous to suspend a player for selling his school ring just so that he could have enough money to buy gas and take a girl to the movies.

So spare me the bumper sticker outrage.

Let’s read between the lines and put what transpired into plain English (based on what’s been reported as of this afternoon): back in 2008, several OSU players, all freshmen, sold some personal memorabilia for petty cash and/or discounts on other services. At the time, none of the players knew that this was technically an NCAA violation, as they had not yet gotten to that part of the “NCAA education” course mandated to them by the OSU Athletics Dept. Later, after taking this course and realizing that their previous actions were inappropriate, the players refused to volunteer their earlier misbehavior.

It was this latter decision that apparently influenced the severity of their punishment. After completing the course, all players are given an opportunity to volunteer any earlier misconduct. Not doing so puts a player at risk of having a more severe punishment later on. These Buckeyes, out of shame or fear, did not do so, and a five game punishment was the result.

Make no mistake: what these young men did was wrong, and was a violation of the “special benefits” clauses included in the NCAA rulebook. However, was it “five games suspended” wrong? OSU homerism aside, it’s ridiculous.

To this author, the suspensions aren’t as shameful as the false indignation being displayed all over ESPN News and college sports radio this afternoon. This wasn’t pay-for-play, agents with suitcases full of cash, or free housing for players and their families. These players simply sold items that they believed belonged to them. In their freshman year. To earn some needed extra money.

So here’s where the team stands: In no way, shape, or form is it likely that Pryor, Herron, Adams, or Posey will sit out for five games next season. Either the penalty will be appealed and reduced to a one- or two-game suspension, or all four players will likely just declare for the (possible) NFL draft.

If the latter is the case, then the Sugar Bowl will be the last time we’ll see the three most dynamic players of the past few years in Buckeye uniforms. And it’s not certain whether the distractions caused by the suspensions will help or hurt the team’s focus going into the game.

Several things are for certain, however. The Sugar Bowl will be a media circus, ESPN will continue its hypocrisy of deifying Cam Newton while demonizing Terrell Pryor, and PSU & UM fans will enjoy the ensuing schadenfreude (which is really just born from jealousy over not having any championship memorabilia to sell, or having some that nobody would want to buy anyway).

Discuss.

CRAP CRAP CRAP.

Via Ken Gordon:

NCAA release: Adams, Pryor, Posey, Herron & Thomas will sit out 1st 5 games of 2011 season for selling awards, etc.

Jordan Whiting is also out.

They will apparently still play in the Sugar Bowl.

More to come later.

The name on everybody’s lips
Is gonna be Moxie
The QB raking in the chips
Is gonna be Moxie

I’m gonna be a celebrity
That means
Somebody everyone sees
They(‘re) gonna recognize my TDs
My arm my legs my pout my INTs…
Mooxxxieee Haaart!!

After shaking some rust from the bye week off in the first half, the Bucks got down to business and dominated P(ick) S(ix) U(niversity) on the ground to remain at 9-1 and tied atop the Big 10 standings.

Boom Herron’s career-best 190 rushing yards led the Buckeyes to a convincing 24-pt victory over the Nits. OSU finished with over 300 yards rushing.

PSU started strong behind McGloin, who was well prepared to exploit a weakness the PSU defensive coaches had obviously seen on tape. McGloin targeted the soft zone beside Devon Torrence again and again, to the aroused excitement of Brent Musberger. With each successful third down conversion, Musberger grew more and more excited, seemingly unable to stop himself from gushing repeatedly on McGloin’s “moxie.”

Of course, the problem with any gameplan that relies on one singluar weakness is “what do you do when the defense adjusts?” Moxie Hart McGloin discovered this in the second half, when OSU defensive coordinator Jim Heacock decided to rely heavily on the nickel package, which forced McGloin to throw two more TD passes…. to the wrong team. The rout was on, much to the consternation of Musberger, who by this time was doing his best to just keep his empties from loudly rolling around on the floor.

Between the defensive adjustment and the gradually tiring PSU offensive and defensive linemen, Tressel stuck to the ground and pounded the Nits into submission behind Boom Herron’s 9.0 ypc.

High points:

• BOOOOM
• Defense scoring 2 TDs
• Pryor’s getting healthier
• Halftime adjustments – coaches couldn’t have adjusted more perfectly
• Torrence’s “shake and bake” of Moxie McGloin on the first pick-six
• Sanzenbacher’s highlight-reel tip-drill TD catch

Low points:

• Musberger
• Rust following the bye week
• Musberger
• Officials – worst officiating seen in the Horseshoe in years (against both teams)
• Musberger

In summary, although the first half was a bit of a nailbiter, the game ended on a very positive note for the Bucks. A little adversity, some success with making adjustments, and coming from behind to win will serve the team well as they head into Iowa next week to play a very hostile Hawkeye team with nothing to lose and a chip on its shoulder.

Finally, in case you’re keeping score, here’s a handy chart to help everyone keep track of where we stand with Musberger: