Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest,
that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes,

Tressnac the Magnificent!

 

Thank you, oh fine second banana.

Welcome once again, O Great Sage… I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnall’s porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before!!

Thank you, yes. May I have the first envelope, please. Thank you. I must now have absolute silence…

Silence!

 

The answer is… Gatorade.

 

Gatorade.

 

*rip*blow*open* What does a Florida football player get on welfare?

 

HAUGH!

 

May Trev Alberts crash your daughter’s bachelorette party.

 

Another envelope, please. The answer is… 1941, 2001, and 2099.

 

1941, 2001, and 2099.

 

*rip*blow*open* Name two movies and the next time Phil Fulmer has a 10-win season.

 

HAUGH!

 

 

More silence, please.

 

Silence!

 

The answer is… Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.

 

Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.

 

*rip*blow*open* Name three things you won’t find in Ann Arbor.

 

HAU – Hey, that’s not funny.

 

May an overzealous TSA agent discover a secret compartment in your sister’s brassiere.

 

Here’s another, sir.

 

Yes, thank you. The answer is… Mount Baldi.

 

Mount Baldi.

 

*rip*blow*open* What did Cal coach Jeff Tedford’s wife do on their wedding night?

 

 

HAUGH!

 

May your only son win a cheerleading scholarship to a Mountain West school.

 

I now hold in my hand the final envelope.

 

The final envelope?

 

The final one. Here you go.

 

Hmmm… The answer is… See Bob Stoops.

 

See Bob Stoops.

 

*rip*blow*open* What does it say on the front of Rhett Bomar’s time card?

 

HAUGH! Ladies and Gentlemen, Tressnac the Magnificent!

 

TOLEDO, Ohio – With 400 National Guard troops deployed to the Ohio/Michigan border, President Bush said that he has fulfilled his responsibility in keeping University of Michigan recruits from leaving the northern state.

“It is time to slow down the river of collegiate immigrants who leave the state without signing to Michigan,” Bush said at the outdoor ceremony, flanked by several large Buckeye trees. “And I call on Congress to work with the NCAA to reform the recruiting process.”

Bush enacted the order after a request from Ohio Governor Bob Taft, who spoke for several state governors who have been recently inundated with football players from the State of Michigan who want nothing to do with the state.

University of Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr said, “I support this movement. It’s getting too hard to recruit people to UM anymore. They all want to go play for OSU or Notre Dame. These border agents should help our young men to remember their priorities.”

Bush agrees. “We have to take a stand. We know that, to these disadvantaged youths, Ohio and Indiana look like a dream come true. That’s why they come here. But the levees holding back the flow of recruits have been overtopped, and it’s time we got things under control.”

“And Brownie – er… Carr, you’re doing a heckuva job,” he added.

Okay, now the situation surrounding [HWSNBN] has reached a Mount K-2 level of dramatic shame and hilarity. At this point, we’re confident that phones were ringing off the hook this morning in Hollywood, as producers scrambled to be first with a movie-of-the-week pitch for [HWSNBN]‘s life story.

In honor of that inevitable ABC/ESPN Sunday Night Movie, here are the actors we’d like to see playing the principal parts of [movie voice ON]:

“Maurice: Third Down and Life to Go …Go… go…“

[movie voice OFF]

Main Cast

Male lead – Gary Coleman

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Tressel?!?”

Now hang on, I know, “he’s no football player.” Do you think a little detail like that will matter to Hollywood producers, anyway? Besides, what a perfect metaphorical casting choice for a character that overcomes obstacles along life’s path. And it’d be funny, cause Coleman is small and stuff.

Coach Jim Tressel – Ed Harris

“On the contrary, gentlemen. I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”

Clean-cut, well dressed, doesn’t take crap from nobody.

AD Andy Geiger – Yogi Bear

“Gee, Boo-Boo. Do ya think the NCAA would mind?!?”

Might have to go CGI on this one. But I’m sure Yogi could use the work.

Supporting Cast

Clarett’s Mother – Kathy Bates

“Youuu playin’ the fooseball, Maurice?!?”

Yes, I know she’s caucasian. But she’s perfect. Nobody will ever think of another football mother without thinking of Bates.

Nick Mango, Clarett Family Attorney – Chris Kattan

Nobody does Mango like Kattan. ‘Nuff said.

Hai Waknine, Jewish Mobster – Woody Allen

“I-I don’t like violence. It gives me nausea. Makes me vomit; it’s so unhealthy. Now pay back the money or you’ll be swimming with the Gefilte fishes.”

Coming soon to an ESPN channel near you. Check local listings.

As the season nears, more and more pressure is being placed upon Lllloyd Carr to have a breakout season. For instance, Tom Dienhart predicts that the coach will need to beat OSU and/or win a BCS birth to keep his job.

It’s a tough call. Usually, when a coach is on the hot seat, there’s a clear-cut reason why. Most of the time it’s because he’s not winning, like Zook at Florida. Sometimes it’s because he’s lost control of his team, like Cooper at OSU.

For Lllloyd, there’s a plethora of possible reasons for his recent lack of success. Some fans will claim that he’s just a victim of bad luck; that a season and a half full of devastating injuries limited his options. Some claim that the game has changed, but the coach hasn’t – pointing out the “basketball on grass” style of football so prevalent now in the Big Te(leve)n, but not practiced by Carr.

Some even claim that there is no problem whatsoever. A popular missive from UM fans in most online forums is that across their five losses, UM only lost by a total of 21 points. Of course this ignores the fact that the team was only three snaps away from having a 4-7 season… as two victories came in OT and one came in the final second of the game against Penn State.

Combining the two arguments into one big picture, UM lost five close games, while squeaking by another three with a victory. Whichever way you look at it, having eight nail-bitingly close games in a season is a problem for any coach in Division I-A, especially more so for the one sitting on the treasure chest up at Ann Arbor.

Throw in the fact that the best recruits in the state of Michigan have been splitting to other schools before the ink is even dry on their high school diplomas, and it’s no wonder that Lllloyd finds himself on the hot seat.

I believe that this is the season when we really find out who coach Carr is. He’s already reshuffled his coaching staff, which is usually the final act of a coach who’s been given one last chance. I’m not sure his fate resides on an arbitrary goal, like 10 wins or a BCS berth or a victory against Sweater Vest, but on an overall impression of how he wins or loses. It’s one thing to suffer a loss from a better team (OSU 2005), but it’s another thing to repeatedly find ways to beat yourself (Notre Dame 2005).

My personal prediction is that UM “returns to form” this year. I wonder what state of chaos the national title picture would be in if UM and OSU met on November 18th, both undefeated…