Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest,
that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes,
Thank you, oh fine second banana.
Welcome once again, O Great Sage… I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnall’s porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before!!
Thank you, yes. May I have the first envelope, please. Thank you. I must now have absolute silence…
The answer is… Gatorade.
*rip*blow*open* What does a Florida football player get on welfare?
May Trev Alberts crash your daughter’s bachelorette party.
Another envelope, please. The answer is… 1941, 2001, and 2099.
1941, 2001, and 2099.
*rip*blow*open* Name two movies and the next time Phil Fulmer has a 10-win season.
More silence, please.
The answer is… Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.
Fresh air, beautiful cheerleaders, and national championships.
*rip*blow*open* Name three things you won’t find in Ann Arbor.
HAU – Hey, that’s not funny.
May an overzealous TSA agent discover a secret compartment in your sister’s brassiere.
Here’s another, sir.
Yes, thank you. The answer is… Mount Baldi.
*rip*blow*open* What did Cal coach Jeff Tedford’s wife do on their wedding night?
May your only son win a cheerleading scholarship to a Mountain West school.
I now hold in my hand the final envelope.
The final envelope?
The final one. Here you go.
Hmmm… The answer is… See Bob Stoops.
See Bob Stoops.
*rip*blow*open* What does it say on the front of Rhett Bomar’s time card?
HAUGH! Ladies and Gentlemen, Tressnac the Magnificent!