I look around college football and I see a lot of disgruntled fan bases. They aren’t happy with their team whether it’s the coaching, the play on the field, all of the losing or a combination of these three. When I see these problems I start to think of a solution for these teams, but I never put them on paper before. But in you’re luck now downtrodden schools! Now I’ve decided to use my expertise to help you through your issues. With my help you’ll be a winner in no time. Just call me Doctor Josh! After helping Florida with their problems, I decided to take on an even bigger problem this week. It’s my toughest patient yet…
Patient: Michigan Wolverines
Status: 3-5 (1-3 in Big Ten)
Current Fan Base Mood: Most of the fan base is starting to realize their program hasn’t been relevant in decades, which has led to depression and heavy drinking. Also: #FireHoke #FireBrandon
Most Embarrassing Moments: Getting shutout by Notre Dame, losing to Minnesota, concussion management of Shane Morris, Brady Hoke’s press conferences, Dave Brandon in general, getting beat by their “little brother” (Mike Hart’s words, not mine) Michigan State, Devin “Pastry Chef” Gardner serving up turnovers and suffering a humiliating blowout loss to Ohio State. Wait that last one hasn’t happened. Yet.
Dr. Josh’s Advice: Well it’s good to hear Michigan fans are starting to accept what they are: a shell of how great their program was back when they were winning multiple national titles in the 1800s when there were only two other teams playing football. People say Notre Dame has issues with this, but at least they went to a national championship game in the last decade (even though they got smoked). Anyway the point is accepting your football team sucks is the first step.
Next you need to go out into the wilderness and go on a spiritual quest to discover who should be the true “Michigan Man” to lead your program back to being great. Of course the wilderness you’ll probably be taking your journey in is located in Ohio because that’s where the greatest Michigan Man ever came from. Come to think of it most great coaches around the country come from Ohio (Urban, Tressel, Stoops, Miles, etc.).
One more thing: I know it’s going to be tough getting through the rest of the season, so you might as well pick up some Domino’s pizza and a Coca-Cola. You should at least have some comfort food in your time of misery.
Prescription: As a certified college football doctor, I’ve sat back and watched fans along with “experts” say who should be the next head coach at Michigan. I laugh at these suggestions though because they’re all wrong. The Harbaugh brothers seem like fine gentlemen, but they don’t fit the recent competitive culture of the program. You’re overreaching and they’re unlikely to leave the NFL. Then there’s Les Miles, who is from Ohio and has previous ties to the program of course. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Wrong! He’s currently a head coach in the SEC, which is the greatest conference God has ever delivered to mankind according to Paul Finebaum and the College Football Playoff Committee. You can lose three games in that conference and still compete for a national title. No way he’s leaving easy street.
Last, but not least I’ve seen Ron Zook’s name thrown out there as a “joke” candidate. That’s just wrong, man. This is a serious situation and as you know I take my job quite seriously. Just look at the fine prescriptions I made for Illinois and Florida. Their fans have done nothing but praise my miracle work.
I have the perfect coach in mind for the University of Michigan. This man was born right in Ann Arbor, Michigan! He’s fairly young at 49 years old and played at Michigan State in college. In fact he was a starting center for three years and earned All-Big 10 Conference honors. He was the co-captain of the team when they defeated USC in the Rose Bowl in his senior season. Not only a great player, but a great student too! He was the first ever graduate student to play on the football team at Michigan State. In addition to this Big Ten experience and hometown lineage, he has three years experience of being a head coach in the NFL and is currently the offensive coordinator for one of the hottest offenses in the league. Aren’t you dying to know who this is?
Can I get a drumroll please? This man deserves it!
This mystery man and the guy I feel should be the next head coach of the Michigan Wolverines is…
You won’t find another coach that battles as hard as this guy. He battled so hard that the Browns had to fire him because they knew he was going to deliver success and battle them to Super Bowls, something that the football gods won’t allow. So I’m going to list the reasons this is a homerun hire: 1) He’s forthright and open about injuries, something that is the exact opposite of Hoke. Proof? This quote describes Shurmur after his first preseason game with the Browns: “When his first game was over, he was open about injuries and honest in his assessment of individual players.” 2) You would be sticking it to your rival Michigan State, just like you stuck that spike in their field before losing to them last Saturday, which led to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio sticking a late touchdown right up Michigan’s…. well you know. 3) It would bring back to life the once greatest parody account in Twitter history, fake Pat Shurmur. Fake Shurmur could then have epic Twitter battles with the current greatest parody account, Fake Bo Pelini. So if you’re losing you still get entertainment!
I don’t think I need to list any more reasons at this point because you’re probably at Shurmur’s front porch right now begging him to come to Michigan. In fact since you guys like hashtags so much, here’s one for you: #ShurmurToMichigan. I’m a genius!
Happy Halloween Michigan fans! For next week’s post I would like to take questions from you the appreciative audience. It’ll be a Q&A session where Dr. Josh can solve any problems you may have or are curious about. You can put those questions in the comments sections below or send them to Twitter: @SchottJosh. Be sure to send some questions!