NegaBuck: The Script to Win in East Lansing


by: Ryan Black

After a “country boy ass whoopin” of Illinois last Saturday night, the Buckeyes have now reached the climax of the 2014 football movie. Up next is the villain from last seasons film, the Michigan State Spartans. If you remember the final scene of the 2013 version, our hero Brutus was left in tears of rage in downtown Indianapolis after Mark Dantonio and his heinous thugs murdered our precious… The Big Ten Championship.

The sequel to that tragic movie is hopefully a story of redemption and doesn’t follow the George R. R. Martin path of killing the hope of all the honorable men and women. How can Brutus and the young Bucks get payback in Darth Dantonio’s own house?

Here are ten things that need to go Ohio State’s way to pull off a victory – In the name of made up movie titles for a little school girl fun :

10. No More Carnage:

Plot: How much more confident would Ohio State feel if they walked into Saturday’s battle with Braxton Miller, Noah Spence and Rod Smith? The team has been relatively lucky with injuries and suspensions for the most part but no more A list actors can be cut or this movie will be the next Gigli.

9. Dos La rotación de existencias:

Plot: Yes I googled the Spanish word for turnovers and I’m still not sure if I used it right. I think Ohio State needs to create at least two turnovers to take down Sparty in this foreign film.

8. Reaction:

Plot: Tom Herman and Urban Meyer have taken some heat for the play calling in close games recently and it seems the answers to what opposing defenses are showing them are not figured out until after the game. That can’t happen this week; Dantonio will throw some confusion at the young guns and in game adjustments need to be on point or similar offensive outputs to VA Tech and PSU could be on the way.

7. Pick One:

Plot: Moving the ball will be tough against the Spartans and giving them a short field is a death sentence. J.T. Barrett will make some freshmen throws and for Ohio State to win only one of them can fall into a Spartan’s gut.

6. South of 250:

Plot: If Connor Cook goes over 250 passing yards then I would guess that Ohio State is dead in the water.

5. Eastern Silence:

Plot: Nothing helps a really young team win in a hostile environment better than a quick start. East Lansing needs to be punched in the face and shut up early to help with the audibles Barrett loves to call at the line of scrimmage. The crowd will be rough but not near as rambunctious as the Penn State bunch.

4. Breakdown Limit:

Plot: The two least experienced units on Ohio State’s squad are the two that will decide the outcome in my opinion. How the offensive line and secondary handle the confusion that will be headed there way will mean everything. Breakdowns that allow sacks and give up big plays cannot happen often this week.

3. Seven Touches:

Plot: Dontre Wilson and Jalin Marshall need at least 7 offensive touches each to exploit the Spartan defense as Oregon and Purdue seemed to use in getting the edge. If this doesn’t happen then some serious discussions need to be made about who the Buckeyes are.

2. 40 Yards to Happiness:

Plot: Michigan State is not the type of team to give up chunks of yards at a time. To put up enough points to win I think Ohio State needs at least 3 plays over 40 yards.

1. The Man Who Saved the World in 60 Minutes Under a Full Moon Using Only His Bare Hands and a Ponytail:

Plot: Joey Bosa steals the show and Connor Cook’s girlfriend in the baddest ass movie of all time.



If Ohio State can follow this script then they will certainly walk away with a victory Saturday. Too many plot changes and Indianapolis dreams will evaporate.

I’m buying my Big Ten Title game tickets this week, are you? If Ohio State wins expect prices to skyrocket around midnight 11/8.


Bonus: How the greatest song of all time was created-


Double Bonus: The hardest part of making mistakes is facing loved ones afterwards:



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