Complaints and Issues: Navy Week

It’s finally here! The days are getting shorter, the kids are back in school and Columbus Ohio will turn into an absolute loony bin for four months. The first week just finished and the Ohio State Buckeyes doubled up the Navy Boatmen 34-17.

The game has been digested and every Buckeye fan is now turning their eyes to Virginia Tech in week two, except for me. I need to get some things off my chest about the game, so I decided to showcase my favorite skill-complaining.

Being a miserable turd, I am always looking for some company. I gave myself a notepad, a Mickey Mouse pen and a variety 12 pack of fall beers to help me write down every pessimistic thought and issue that I yelled at the t.v. on Saturday. Why? Because it’s more fun to be angry. So please embark on this wonderfully negative journey with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I do get very excited when things go my teams’ way, but those thoughts are more “F word yea” and “suck my you-know-what” fragments. I’ve decided to edit those out for obvious reasons.

It was a two t.v. setup, and the Michigan “we only win in September” Wolverines vs the App. State Mountaineers were on the second screen. I despise watching that school up north but I figured it would get my hate juices amped up even more.

Warning: If you enjoy being happy and don’t like to let the little things get you down then stop reading now. Here is every negative thought from my messed up mind on Saturday from 12:00PM to 3:30PM.

12:00PM to 1:00PM-Total beers so far- 3 (I know, I start early, I’m a lush on Saturdays):

1. Verne looks terrible.

2. Devin Gardner is still wearing number 98? He’s that guy who wears a goofy wig to a party once, gets a lot of laughs, and is still wearing it 7 months later. Give it up man.

3. Jabrill Peppers is wearing at least ten sweatbands on the parts of his skin we can see. I bet he’s got half a hundy on his whole body.

4. I thought our kicker was fat, what happened to his gut? This pisses me off, I really wanted a fat kicker and we had one in spring. Damn you Mickey Marriotti.

5. Wait a minute, our strength coach’s name is Mickey? Why have I never let that sink in? That’s bizarre.

6. Is there anything worse than the last drink of a wheat beer? It’s warm, smells like butt cheeks and has the taste of orange juice left in a men’s restroom overnight.

7. That mofo did not catch that! Review that garbage!

8. Ok, he caught it, but he’s still lucky. Frig off Danielson, your voice makes me want to kick my dog.

9. That in no way should be a touchdown but Navy used their knowledge of the sea winds to blow that pylon over. Sickening.

10. God I hate playing Navy, I hope Urban wet willies Gene Smith.

11. Turn that Michigan game the hell off.

1:00PM to 2:00PM- Total beers so far- 4.5:

1. To the ref who overturned that forward pass fumble: You’re not wrong, you’re just an ***hole

2. (Had to remove fourteen heinous words from this note) what the….

3. I am going to go into the garage, turn my engine on, crawl into the trunk and get ready for my eternal sleep.

4. Just throw me in the trash, I don’t want a funeral.

2:00PM to 3:00PM- Total beers so far- 11.  Total Liquor drinks so far-1:

1. Let’s go! I knew you would make a mistake you freaking punks. We’re on land, you guys don’t belong here! Have fun waking up at 6AM for drill on Monday you little pieces of trash.

2. I should see a psychiatrist.

3. That damn Fickell. He is the cause of all my problems. He is the reason my wife is in the kitchen crying after my latest outburst, not me. He did this to us.

4. I feel like Iowa has lost to Northern Iowa to start every season for the last ten years.

5. Devin Smith will be the player affected by Braxton the most. He’s only a deep threat and J.T. Barrett doesn’t have the arm to throw downfield.

6. Well I am an idiot. Why did I just say that last thought in front of 10 people only to get stiff armed by the football gods right back into my place?

7. Gary Danielson is a traitor.

8. I am so freaking jealous of Joey Bosa’s girlfriend. I will never be with the one I truly love.

9. Man I respect Navy, can’t believe I called them pieces of trash, I blame Fickell again.

3:00PM to 3:30PM- Total beers so far-12. Total liquor drinks so far-2:

1.Great win but  I think I may have an alcohol problem.

Well there it is, for those dumb enough to actually read this, I hope I have killed your mood. Deep down I am very pleased with this team and their crazy talented youth, but isn’t it a lot more fun to let some anger out once a week? I felt like a real manly man sleeping on the couch that night.

I’ll see you next week, it’s a night game so expect the rage and grammatical errors to increase tenfold.

Bonus:

Fitting song for the game: The Fear by Ben Howard.

Lyric dissection: “I’ve been worrying” about this game since it was scheduled and “we lost the one we hold dear (Braxton.) “I will become what I deserve”… a passed out drunk who embarrassed himself yet again on a college football Saturday.