Negative Buckeye: Angry Thoughts Week 5


By: Ryan Black

Words to live by: “When life gives you lemons… use them for their acidity to make a sh*t stew and force everyone close to you to sample it.”


Ah Saturday’s in the fall… All week your boss has been hovering over your shoulder to make sure you finish some pointless work for some jerk above them who won’t even look at the 45 hour project you finally completed and you are ready to let out some frustration. If you are smart and held your tongue on the job then you need some place to put these giant balls of emotion.

I’m here to tell you that instead of burning that hate fuel on your spouse, pets or children you should let all of your negative energy out during an Ohio State football game. This team since the new millennium has been one of the best in the nation, yet still leaves plenty to scream about. Let it loose man, it’s a great excuse to curse the world that has been so unfair to you. To be honest, I’ve been using this method for about 3 years now and it has most certainly kept me out of the looney bin and/or prison.

I documented my week one gameplan here : Navy Complaints and Issues

The best way to release your Saturday temper tantrum is through sheer hate speech at a loud volume as I was able to do week 1. Unfortunately, sometimes you’ll find yourself in a public setting with your wife’s co-workers and are forced to hold off on the cynicism a tad to keep some sort of dignity for your family name. Half of the angry thoughts this week I had to think to myself since I barely knew anybody at the tailgate of this weeks game. Still, I was very excited to finally be back on campus for an OSU night game.

What follows are some of my thoughts and situations (I kept notes on my phone) to think about for your own therapy session this Saturday against Maryland. Here is the Cincy week Negative Buckeye…


The setup:   Some tailgate with wife’s work friends. I knew 3 of 40 people. 2-45 inch telivisions.


The spread: Chicken wings, chips, liquor and every poopy lite beer ever created.


Arrival time/Location: 3:00 p.m. on north campus.


The anger:

Cincy 0- Ohio State- 0.

-Man I miss coming to campus, but holy hell I’d rather spend a night in Franklin County than try and find parking on gameday again. Luckily I found my old spot under the bridge on Iuka. Didn’t even bother me that a homeless man was making eye contact with me while pounding off as we exited the car.

-I’m so upset with myself, I swear Bradley Roby just walked by me on High street and I was too chicken to say anything. Really wanted to tell him that I wanted to name my dog after him two years ago, but no, the wife won… we are stuck with the little tallywacker -Jaxson.

-Finally made it to the destination after a treacherous walk. Decent set up and seems like they are friendly people but one thing is really pissing me off…

-Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the food and drinks at the tailgate but they ran out of plates. Here I am eating chicken wings out of a red solo cup like a meth-head Mississippi State fan.

Cincy 7- Ohio State- 0.

Here we go the game is finally about to start; I expect a three and out to put these “Squarecats” in their place and set the tone. Well that was quick, already losing. At least I don’t look like Gunner Kiel. He looks like Ellen if she started shooting HGH into her veins.

Some drunk chick just asked why I look angry. I haven’t spoken to a girl on campus in years and was too distraught to put together a coherent thought so of course my response was, “Flippin Fickell.”

Cincy 7- Ohio State- 7.

-Phew, the Bucks with the answer. I decide to give Rod Smith a new nickname after that touchdown and scream “Rod the Bod” to nobody in particular. No reaction what-so-ever so I’m looking down and hope nobody noticed.

Ohio State- 14 Cincy- 7

Bucks with another touchdown and I decide now is a great time to piss. I am on cloud nine and I Ric Flair walk to the restroom line. Sometimes you just know you’re going to be forced to talk to somebody and I make smalltalk with some dickweed in front of me who really wants to chat. He talks about how he knows Bobby Bullshite and how he works for random insurance whatevers for what seemed like twenty minutes. And finally it’s my turn to solo swordfight;  I relieve myself and hustle to get back to the game.

Of course I was stopped by Captain Peeboy on the way back to the t.v. and  I am forced to look him up on Facebook. He literally took my phone and searched for himself-There was no sanitizer or any form of handwash in these porta johns. His weiner juice is now on my phone forever- I-PHONE 4 FOREVER UNCLEAN!

Ohio State- 16 Cincy- 7

-There is a wave of crowd noise so I am forced to stiff arm this goon and I see the Bucks just got a safety. I’m happy yet a little disappointed I missed it live. I’m even more gutted to learn that my love Joey Bosa has just killed a quarterback on live telivision. All thanks to some fool I missed my fantasy; man I wish I was watching this in my own house.

Ohio State- 23 Cincy- 7

-I nudge my way back to my spot and before I can grab another wing for my cup Ohio State has scored again. I missed another one dagummit. This new hurry up offense is very unfriendly for this type of environment. I feel like walking a few streets over and giving Urban Meyer a piece of my mind.

-Things are going well but I’ll be damned if some drunk ass does not keep trying to play music every commercial break. He would stumble over to the sound set up every t.v. timeout and try to set up his i pod for a 60 second struggle with the payoff  being 30 seconds of a Lady Gaga song before the game came back on. Every freaking commercial break.

-Ezekial Elliott looks great but man is it depressing to see abs like that and look down at my gut. What’s happened to me? Oh nice, they’re bringing out more chicken wings!

Ohio State- 30 Cincy- 7

-I agreed to be a responsible driver tonight and I can see my wife is a little intoxicated so I ask if we can head home to beat traffic and watch the second half  on my couch so I can start getting wild myself to celebrate the win. We’re up 23 and I can listen to the end of the first half on the way home. My wife politely asks if she can play music for the 30 minute drive to Pickerington-uggggg. I’ll be nice since we are killing these clowns.

-After hearing every British female singer around for nearly half an hour, I arrive home and turn on the t.v….. What in the….

Ohio State- 30 Cincy- 21

-Not believing the score I sit down with my stupid dog and drunk wife and get ready for the second half. God I hate my dog’s name.

Ohio State- 36 Cincy- 28

-Well that escalated quickly. I don’t even know what to say… Ohio State is giving up touchdowns like they are STD’s at Bowling Green. I need to start hitting the liquor.

-If I see that bloody Aaron Rodgers commercial one more time with those two SNL buckfutts I may snap.

Ohio State- 43 Cincy- 28

-(note from Sunday: I am trying to translate one of the last thought’s of the day I wrote down once the liquor hit, I think I started getting philosophical ): The boys are finally starting to pull away but I am making a sad realization. Braxton Miller is equal to Boardwalk Empire. He was so awesome the first few years and you are ready for him to go in to his final season to become legendary… And then you realize that somebody up above cut the last season short for no reason and you get depressed. I definitely appreciate you Nucky Miller I mean Braxton Johnson, but man do I feel you got the raw end of the deal.

-Piss off Aaron Rodgers. Though don’t piss off too much, I need you for fantasy tomorrow.

Ohio State- 50 Cincy- 28

-God I hate throwing up.




There it is, that was very therapeutic for me. I hope you can experience what a release of negativity feels like for yourself next week (with less urine phones and chicken cups of course).


Just try it, what’s the worst that could happen?

















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