GameDay Preview, 2007

espn.jpgFowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football preview, here on ESPN. We’ve got a dandy of a 2007 season waiting in the wings, and it looks to be another exciting, wide open season.

We’re joining you today from Blacksburg, Virginia, where we are in no way exploiting the grief of the sad events of last April. And we’ll prove that to you in an upcoming five-part ESPN series entitled “Massacre near a Football Stadium,” which will begin immediately following this edition of ESPN College GameDay. Check your local listings.

In the meantime, I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso; we’ll be joined later by Desmond Howard and Mark May.

All co-anchors: Hi.

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Fowler: Let’s get right into it. Are the athletes in the SEC the fastest humans in the history of the Universe, or just the Earth? Lou?

holtz.jpgHoltz: The EthEC ith in a league above everyone elth. They are very fast. Except when they get tackled. Then they’re slower than the guy who did the tackling. Its quite thimple, really. Fasth young men.

Corso: I agree. I agree. Look out! Here comes some speeeeed!! And let me tell ya, let me tell ya, [slaps Herbie in the arm], once those boys hit the field, nobody can catch them! [Whistles through teeth] Whoo! Right down the field!! Nobody can beat them!

corso.jpgHerbie: Yeah, I agree that the SEC is known for speed, but historically, it’s a bit overstated. Take the Big Ten. Ron Zook said that the Big Ten is just as speedy as the southern schools he used to play against, and the conference went 4-1 against the SEC last year, so that famous SEC speed really didn’t help those southern schools that much overall. Speed is important, but so is toughness and coaching.

Howard: Yes, but that one loss was in the BCS title game, so nothing else matters.

Fowler: So we’re agreed… they’re the fastest in the Universe. Moving on to teams in the lesser..uh.. other conferences, do you think any of them are coached by men as fast as Urban Meyer?

Corso: Let me tell you something. Urban Meyer is a heck of a guy. I used to be a coach, so I know a little somethin’ about coachin’. Meyer won the championship last year. And he did it by calling plays, and by having players on the field. With the sweat and the oomph and the ZOOM! Listen to me [points pencil at camera]: Urban Meyer is a COACH.

howard.jpgHerbie: I agree. Meyer’s success comes from recruiting great players, like Tim Tebow. It’ll be fascinating to watch this young man take the reins to defend the title.

Holtz: Yes, he getsth great playerth. Fast oneth.

Howard: I’m looking forward to seeing how Meyer does against his ACC conference opponents. Watching Tebow match up against defenses like Virginia Tech and Boston College will be very interesting.

Fowler: Speaking of recruiting great players, Pete Carroll has assembled yet another team capable of winning the BCS national championship. Coach, will that happen?

Corso: Ho boy, watch out! That David Booty John has a cannon for an arm! USC will win the Pac 10, ’nuff said. ‘Nuff said!

Howard: I’m not so sure, Lee. [Talking over footage of Cody Paul] UCLA recruit Cody Paul, who some are calling the white Reggie Bush, should give the USC defense quite a scare this year.

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Fowler: This just in to the ESPN news desk… Virginia Tech officials still have nothing further to comment on the tragic massacre in Blacksburg last spring that has nothing to do with football. And the bad news continues to flow here in America’s heartland. And speaking of tragedies, Kirk, how about Ohio State? Do they have a chance to be speedy, like the SEC, this year?

Herbie: Well, any time you start a new quarterback there will be some challenges. And the Buckeyes haven’t had a power rushing game since the days Maurice Clarett was in the backfield, and they’re hoping that Beanie Wells will bring that classic Big Ten style of play back to the capital city. Tressel has put…

Holtz: Trethel is a coach, too.

Herbie: …has put together another team that may challenge for the Big Ten title.

may.jpgMay: Did someone say Clarett? I’m here.

Herbie: I look for this team to resemble the 2002 OSU team. Tresselball has returned to Columbus.

Fowler: Welcome, Mark. What do you think?

May: Look. Ohio State is going to have to overcome all the distraction brought on by Clarett. I mean, he’s in prison now, right? What does that say about the team he played six games for over five years ago? It’s simple. Reggie Bush will lead USC to the title game. It’s that simple.

Fowler: Uhh… Mark, Bush is a running back for the Saints, now. USC has a stable of new RBs.

May: I meant that the legacy of Bush will serve as motivation for USC to win the title.

Corso: That Reggie Bush. BOOM! Ha. Great kid.

Howard: I’m looking forward to seeing if Reggie Bush can beat Barbaro and win the Triple Crown next year.

Holtz: …..zzzzzzzz…fastyngmnnnnn…zzzzzz….

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Fowler: This just in to the ESPN newsdesk: Virginia Tech officials, Maurice Clarett, Osama bin Laden, and Michael Vick have all been seen electrocuting dogs at a Caligula-inspired pool party hosted by Paris Hilton.

Herbie: Oh, for pete’s sake. That’s ridiculous. What does any of this have to do with college football?!?

Fowler: That’s what it says, Kirk. We are just reporting.

May: Kirk, are you a Clarett-lover or something?

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Herbie: Bite my exquisitely tanned rear end, Mark.

Corso: ZING!

alberts.jpgAlberts: Hey guys!

Fowler: Trev?!? How’d you get in here? How’d you get past security?

Alberts: Two words: Sewage. Line. Think “Shawshank” in reverse.

Howard: Ugh. You stink worse than Lloyd Carr in a bowl game.

corsocrazy.jpgCorso: Not so fast, my smelly friend! It’s the SEC with the zip and the zoom and the zhrka… Hah!! [singing] “HOT POOCKEETSS!” I Tivo the Teletubbies, my friend!! D’ya hear me, Tinkywinky?!? MMMmmmmbpthphlept!! Owuuuu!!

May: Trev?!? [their eyes lock]

Alberts: Why won’t you return my calls, Mark? How long were you planning to ignore me?!?

Herbie: [head in hands] No way is this happening again. God hates me. I can’t take this anymore.

May: [sniffs] Shut up, Trev. Just shut up [tear rolls down his face]. You had me at Shawshank, Trev. You had me at Shawshank. [sniffs]

Alberts: Oh, Mark!! [they embrace]

Holtz: zzzz… shwshnkkk… zzzzz

Herbie: [takes can of gasoline, pours contents over head, shoulders, and chest] Our father, who art in heaven…

Corso: Aaaughtphbltpgh!!! Hi-yaaaa! Schompquetzlptoooooooo!!!

Howard: [to the hugging couple] Does this mean I have to give up my chair?

Herbie: [lights match] *FOOM* HMMGGHRRFGHhhhh…*cough**gurgle* *hak* [dies]

fowlerheadgear.jpgFowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For Lou Holtz, the misters Alberts, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, I’m Chris Fowler, and we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. bup bup bup says

    YOU WIN

  2. Buckeye in Big D says

    too true to be funny!

  3. Monkeysister says

    You’re my hero!!

  4. That’s good stuff. Hilarious.

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