Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest,
that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes,
Thank you, oh fine second banana.
Welcome once again, O Great Sage… I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnall’s porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before!!
Thank you, yes. May I have the first envelope, please. Thank you. I must now have absolute silence…
The answer is… An Ohio recruit.
An Ohio recruit.
*rip*blow*open* What do you call a talented Michigan football player?
May your blue-chipper recruit be given a $100 handshake by Charles Woodson’s booster during a NCAA luncheon.
Another envelope, please. The answer is… Marijuana, crack, and the Michigan Wolverines.
Marijuana, crack, and the Michigan Wolverines.
*rip*blow*open* Name three things that get smoked in bowls.
More silence, please.
The answer is… A Lloyd.
*rip*blow*open* What kind of car does Tressnac the Magnificent own?
HAU – Hey, now you’re starting to go overboard.
May you return to your office to discover John L. Smith measuring for drapes.
Here’s another, sir.
Yes, thank you. The answer is… A box of detergent, hot water, and four cups of bleach.
A box of detergent, hot water, and four cups of bleach.
*rip*blow*open* What’s the best way to wash a blue ‘Block M’ sweatshirt?
HAU – Hey, I have several of those. Do you really think it would work?
Yes, it will work perfectly. And may your unmarried daughter announce she is gestating the spawn of Maurice Clarett.
I now hold in my hand the final envelope.
The final envelope?
The final one. Here you go.
Hmmm… The answer is… Father, Aunt Patricia, and Chad Henne.
Father, Aunt Patricia, and Chad Henne.
*rip*blow*open* Name a Daddy, a Patty, and a Fatty.
HAUGH! Ladies and Gentlemen, Tressnac the Magnificent!