I don’t want to do this, but I must.

Contrary to what the rest of the country would have you believe, the Buckeyes have a chance against USC on Saturday. But as delusional as we Buckeye fans can be, we can’t ignore the 295 pound Samoan in the room. There’s a good chance Ohio State will lose to USC. AS much as it pains me to do this, here’s a list of reasons why the Buckeyes will lose on Saturday.

Blech, this is making me sick to my stomach, so let’s get this one over with and move on.

Reasons why OSU will lose to USC

The two headed hydra of Cushing and Maualuga go off – The entire USC defense is good, but Maualuga is a manimal and Cushing is no slouch. If Maualuga is having his way with Beanie & Co., blowing up everything in sight, that most certainly spells certain doom for the Buckeyes. No running game means game-over for the Buckeyes.

Then again, there is this:

So maybe there’s no cause for concern? Right…

LSU Boeckman shows up – The monkey and I are firm believers that there are two Todd Boeckmans — the one who looked every bit the part of an OSU QB against Penn State last year. Crisp passes, great decisions, and leadership. Then there’s the Todd that crapped the bed against LSU. If that Boeckman shows up, we’re done for. If the game is in his hands and his head isn’t where it needs to be, cry in despair. He’ll be winging it downfield with abandon, but this time USC has the type of athletes that will make him pay.

Can’t stop the run – This goes without saying. USC has a stable of running backs that would make most breeders in Kentucky jealous. Carroll can throw out the horses without much drop-off in performance. If OSU can’t stop the run, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Kaiser household.

Beanie can’t perform – I almost hesitate to even insinuate that Beanie won’t be able to perform at an acceptable level. This is another no-brainer. If he can’t plant on his gimpy toe, no amount of the Stiff Arm of Justice is going to help.

Players are still hungover (shellshocked?) from the OU game – I think it’s foolish to think that the OSU players are unaffected by their performance last week against OU. If they come out flat again and dig themselves an early hole, it will take a miracle to climb out of it. Someone needs to come out early and absolutely annihilate someone. I’m looking right at you, Mr. Wilson.

A vanilla game plan – I-formations and Maurice Wells off-tackle aren’t going to cut it. We’re not asking for double-reverses and Annexations of Puerto Rico. But mix things up. Pass on first down. Stop trying to hit the fly routes 257 yards downfield. Bootleg with a TE dragging across the middle. Screens with Beanie. Use Terrell Pryor. Anything to make the game exciting.

There are plenty more reasons, but let’s not dwell on the negatives. Remember, Buckeye fans, it’s us against the world. We need all the positive energy and karma we can muster. Let’s move on and think about actually winning the game!