By: Ryan Black
Ok, you guys won’t believe this but something incredible happened last night…
As usual on Wednesday evenings, I wander the streets of campus hoping to “bump†into an Ohio State player while loosely holding a cup of coffee.  In a perfect world a Joey Bosa or Zeke Elliott will “accidentally†come into contact with me as I spill my beverage all over myself. I’ll then say, “Now that’s what I call a sticky situation†and they will offer to become my best friend.
Well, it was another night I failed to get my platonic Buckeye meet cute but something even better happened. I thought I spotted Cardale Jones about ten yards ahead of me, so I tiptoed passed him and veered right into an alley to U-turn and enact my plan.
I noticed a spooky looking man in the alley who stood no taller than 5 feet tall, who stopped me in my tracks. He looked me dead in the eye and said with a voice as deep as the Pacific, “Come over here little child; come experience the unbelievable.†I couldn’t say no.
He held out a red and blue pill with his little hands and asked me to “choose”.
I obviously grabbed both and swallowed. The little man freaked.
The next few minutes became really weird; I remember loud screaming from a very deep voice, a sharp pain from my gut and my vision became fuzzy as I slipped into blackness.
I woke up in a dumpster in an alley off of High Street very confused. Now this is only the 3rd or 4th time I have woken up in this particular dumpster in my life, so I knew something could be wrong. I checked my phone and it said 11:15AM which seemed odd because campus should have a bunch of student foot traffic for a Thursday at this time but it was dead.
As I walked by the USA Today newspaper stand, I was stunned when I noticed the date- Sunday November 8th… How? Why? Somehow I had went 4 days into the future… What was going on?
I stood in shock for a good 10 minutes before my vision started becoming blurry and my stomach ached again. I had a feeling I wasn’t supposed to be here, that I was headed back to where I belong, back to Wednesday night.
I knew I had to do something before I returned, so I shattered the glass of the USA Today newspaper receptacle with a kick Cam Johnston would have appreciated, got out my Iphone 3, opened the sports section and began taking snapshots of the college football scores and headlines from the day before so I could have evidence to show of my journey.
I was able to secure ten screenshots before I returned to Wednesday evening in a pool of my own vomit feeling like I was punched 40-50 times in the stomach with tiny fists. Do with these as you see fit…
I’m still contemplating who that man was and what I discovered but that is for me to deal with.
Here are the College Football Headlines from Sunday November 8th:
LSU 23 ALABAMA 14: BAMA SHOULDN’T BE PUNISHED IN RANKINGS FOR LOSING TO TEAM WHO BEAT BAMA
CLEMSON 34 FLORIDA STATE 28: DABO BEATS JIMBO FOR MOST REDNECK NAME TITLE
GEORGIA 17 KENTUCKY 14: BULLDOGS EXCEPTIONALLY UNEXCEPTIONAL AS USUAL
TEXAS TECH 63 WEST VIRGINIA 57: HISTORY MADE WITH FIRST EVER GAME WITH ZERO TACKLES
MICHIGAN 38 RUTGERS 14: HARBAUGH SAYS SOMETHING ODD POSTGAME, MEDIA LAUGHS
ARMY 7 AIR FORCE 7: GAME CANCELLED IN 2ND QUARTER DUE TO FORWARD PASS
OKLAHOMA STATE 41 TCU 37: GUS JOHNSON BREAKS DECIBEL RECORD ON LAST SECOND TOUCHDOWN. 10 INJURED
MICHIGAN STATE 45 NEBRASKA 24: MSU WINS. MIKE RILEY STILL BALD
AUBURN 20 TEXAS A&M 17: AUBURN WINS AFTER TEAMS COMBINE FOR 8 TURNOVERS BAD DEFENSE AND RECORD NUMBER OF PENALTIES. STILL PASS EYE TEST
OHIO STATE 41 MINNESOTA 17: QB CONTROVERSY PART 3?
Take the weekend off from watching football (since you already know the outcome), call your bookie and enjoy yourself some you time.
Bonus: Wife still pregnant. Al can read my thoughts…
Double Bonus: If you’re like me and you hate desserts, get ready to be Larry David this Thanksgiving…
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