The Roast of the Big Ten

By: Ryan Black

Image result for marshmallow roasting

Big Ten play has started and an annual gathering went down last night for the people of the conference only. This secret roast took place Wednesday evening and players and coaches from all 14 B1G schools were in attendance.

A roast is somebody like me’s worst nightmare; I hate conflict and I just wish everybody could say nice things to one another. This is the opposite of that. Imagine being the center of attention in front of a crowd of people while strangers pick at your every insecurity.

If this is your thing then you are in luck. I peruse some very weird websites late in the evening and I stumbled upon a leaked transcript of what went down Wednesday night. Don’t ask my sources, just enjoy the roasting.

 

Here is the Big Ten Roast:

 

Host: Welcome! Welcome! You’re all here for the annual Big Ten Roast and boy are you in for a treat this evening. 

And I’m not talking about a Dilly Bar in 15 degree weather kind of treat Gophers, I’m talking about a nut punch from a BYU player kind of reward.”

(Reserved Laughter)

“Please remember that all cell phones and cameras are not allowed! Without further ado, here is a washed-up New York comedian to get us underway!”

(Applause)

 

Washed-Up Comedian: It’s great to be here on this night to honor this lovely conference; It really is.

I see a lot of beautiful faces tonight, in fact there is Kate Upton right over here.”

(Applause)

“Oh excuse me, that’s not Kate Upton, that’s Iowa Quarterback C.J. Beathard with his gorgeous long-blonde hair.”

(Laughter)

“C.J. Really is the total package at quarterback-He’s got the feet of Warren Moon, the name of a pornstar and the arm of… Kate Upton”

(Laughter)

“I kid, I kid.

I do wish Kate was here though. I don’t think, as a 5’7 230 pound Jewish man, that I’d have much of a shot with her but hey, the odds are still probably higher of that happening than Maryland ever winning the Big Ten East, so you never know.

(Laughter)

“I also had a dig about Rutgers written here  but when their team heard about it, 5 players assaulted me and another one powerbombed my wife and my notes into the Hudson River.”

(Laughter)

I had to apologize to the producers of tonight’s event for being a little late, I made the mistake of hiring Mike Riley as my schedule planner.”

(Laughter)

“Guy manages time about as well as Jim Harbaugh manages two part questions from the media.”

(Laughter)

“I mean for a guy who’s mouth is hanging open for 90% of the day, Jim sure does say very few words.

In fact his open mouth to word ratio is almost as stupid as Ohio State’s turnover ratio this season.”

(Laughter)

“The turnover problem is one of two things-Either Cardale Jones and Jailin Marshall sweat popcorn butter or they care as much for the football as the average NCAA player’s father cares about their son… until right before the NFL Draft.”

(Gasps then quiet laughter)

“Well my time is almost done here and I’m glad I was able to go first because unlike Purdue, I hate finishing last”

(Laughter the Applause)

 

Host: “Ouch, I can still feel the burns over here. Up next we have a real home run hitter, the Giant Perverted Screaming Lady.”

(Applause)

GPSL: “It’s a honor to be here on this lovely evening.

As many of you may know, I get around.”

(Crowd Swoons)

In fact the only people here tonight who have had more college kids in their end zone than me is the Indiana defense.”

(Laughter)

“Sorry, the Penn State players didn’t get that one.

Hey Christian Hackenburg, the end zone is the white line that you need to cross in order to get 6 points. You should try it some time.”

(Laughter)

“Speaking of end zones, What’s up Mark Dantonio’s?

Guy is more grumpy than my ex husband after he finally saw what I look like with my clothes off on our honeymoon…

(Laughter)

“Speaking of disasters, how about Illinois’ off-season?

My god, kids get better medical advice on the playground. 

(Laughter)

“Yea, the word on the street is Michael Jackson’s doctor took orders from Tim Beckman.”

(Gasps then quiet laughter)

“Sorry, I’m trying not to get too offensive tonight…

I forgot we have Wisconsin and Minnesota here, two of the least offensive teams in the country.”

(Laughter)

“Last but not least I’m supposed to mention the Northwestern Wildcats…

When I was looking at the team picture I assumed they were a chess club.

( Quiet Laughter)

“They are known for choking away games in horrific fashion at the end of every season. 

In fact, the last time the universe saw this many white boys falling off a sinking ship was the Titanic.

(Laughter)

 

Well, that’s where the transcript cut off.  I’m told the rest of the night was just Wisconsin and Penn State kicker fat jokes?

What did you think? I personally haven’t seen that many burns since….

Nope, I won’t do it.

Have a good weekend.

 

Comments

  1. Ryan, this is classic MotSaG at it’s finest. You’re getting a raise after I wipe all this diet coke off my monitor.

    Bravo.

  2. You could make an entire evening of roasting with only Jim Harbaugh as the topic. What a freak?

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