How to be a True Fan: Planning the First College Football Saturday in 12 Steps

We are so freaking close, a week from Saturday (technically there is an awesome FCS game this weekend),  the only reason we live begins. Now is the time to start making plans. Yes, NOW.

If you wake up next Saturday without a game plan, it’ll be 7:00PM before you know it and you’ll have an empty stomach and worst of all, be sober.

But have no fear, I am here to help. The key is to stay at the peak of football enjoyment for as long as possible. Ladies and gentlemen, follow my schedule and you will be peaking all over yourself  for well over ten hours.


8 AM-Step 1:

Don’t worry about setting an alarm, a true fan will always have an internal clock that wakes them up at 7:59 on gameday.

To start the day off right after waking-you must sit up in bed and stare at your significant other (or pet) as they sleep. I mean you need to really to leer bigtime to build up the adrenaline. Once you hit the perfect amount of potential energy your partner will be awoken by your silent excitement.

Maintain composure and eye contact and whisper, “It’s gameday bitch.” If you pulled it off right, you’ll get an eye roll or the occasional, “I hate football season” before they head back to dreamland.

You are now ready for phase 2.

8:30 AM- Step 2:

Don’t shower yet, that’s ridiculous.

It’s time for breakfast. You can have whatever you usually do but I prefer to go with a Diet Mt. Dew and mini sausage sandwiches. You must keep adding fuel to the fire in order to peak at the right time and nothing does that better than a #DMD.

9:00 AM- Step 3:

It’s time to head to the store. Some people will do this Friday but I say do it in the morning because it’s the last time you will legally be allowed to drive for the day when using my program.

Purchase: A case of light beer, a 6 pack of Fall Seasonal Craft Beer,10 dollar bottle of cheap whiskey, toilet paper, AA batteries and chicken wings.

Your trip is complete and you now have all the supplies to make it through the first Saturday of the year.

Once you get home- grab a craft beer and mow your lawn.

I hate yardwork more than anybody but there is something absolutely magical about doing it on the morning of a CFS (College Football Saturday).

*Note. If you live in an apartment/rent go cut your moms grass. She misses you.


10:00 AM- Step 4

It’s now time to watch the preview shows. This is the longest part of the day and will seemingly last for 10 hours if you don’t do it right.


  1. If a touching/heartfelt story is about to be shown, light up the ole xbox and play some NCAA 14. Compassion kills a good peak.
  2. During commercials study your playbook. You should know the number of every single sports channel by heart. Use a dry erase board if you are having difficulty.
  3. Drink every time an analyst says these words: upset, cannon, speed, revenge, edge and big mac daddy.
  4. If your wife/partner tells you to do some chores-tell them to shut up.


12:00 PM- Step 5

(You should now be finished with the fall seasonal 6 pack.)

The games have now begun!

It’s lite beer the rest of the day for you, don’t want to end up peaking over a bathroom toilet before the afternoon games.

Using your knowledge of the channels you studied, it’s time to go to work. If you’re good enough you will not witness one commercial for the day.

You will have to tier the games in order to see more of the best games.. Tier 1’s should be on your tv for approximately 60% of the day, only switching for commercials, halftime and when some gutless kid is faking an injury.

The noon games on September 5th are gross so you’ll have to make due with these matchups:

Colgate at Navy, CBSSN

Illinois State at Iowa, BTN

Louisiana-Monroe at Georgia, SEC

South Dakota State at Kansas, FSN

Stanford at Northwestern, ESPN


Stanford @ Northwestern should be decent if you’re into #Nerdball.


2:30 PM- Step 6

It is now time to eat the chicken wings. Chicken wings are the only acceptable meal while watching football. I don’t like it but rules are rules.


3:30 PM- Step 7

A ton of action here, it’s time to set up your rotation for the 3:30 matchups.

If you have been following my path, it should now be time to switch the dead batteries in the remote for the ones you bought earlier.

Auburn vs. Louisville, CBS, in Atlanta

BYU at Nebraska, ABC

Florida Atlantic at Tulsa, CBSSN

Virginia at UCLA, FOX

UTEP at Arkansas, ESPNU


3:50 PM- Step 8

The afternoon games have all kicked off and now it’s time for you to doze off.

The manly equation of chicken wings + 14 beers have wore you out.

Don’t be ashamed, a well timed nap is key to lasting the day. Go turn the sound down on the television and lay horizontally on the couch smiling at the players in the first quarter of their game knowing you will wake up to some wonderful surprises.


5:50 PM- Step 9

Your internal football clock will not let you sleep for over two hours during gameday;  this has been proven by science.

It’s an awesome feeling waking up at the end of the 3rd/start of the 4th quarter of a game you basically just started watching. You just fast forwarded real life and that should feel empowering.

It’s time to start drinking again. I suggest a whiskey and coke to lube up the engines a little.

Your peaking should be at its highest peak during the final hour of the 3:30 games.


7:15 PM- Step 10

Wow! What a ride that was. Louisville beat Auburn? That’s crazy.

Pick your evening lineup now.

Georgia Southern at West Virginia, FSN, 7:30

New Mexico State at Florida, SEC, 7:30

Texas at Notre Dame, NBC, 7:30

UNLV at Northern Illinois, CBSSN, 7:30

Alabama vs. Wisconsin, ABC, 8 in Arlington, Texas

Eastern Washington at Oregon, Pac-12, 8

Texas State at Florida State, ESPNews, 8


It’s also time for your first bathroom break of the day. A #DMD, 20 beers and a whiskey-coke will put some pressure on you. Since there was no time for potty breaks in the first 9 steps, you have to let it all out at once. The extra toilet paper you bought will come in handy.

You should also be arguing with people on your favorite college football message board while you are exiting the chicken and booze. This is an important step and really adds to your gameday fire.

If you’re an expert, you should be visiting the opponents of your favorite teams board to  explain to them why that holding call was correct or incorrect in the third quarter and how it did or didn’t decide the outcome.


10:15 PM- Step 11

You’ve been peaking for a solid three hours, it’s time to settle down-Heat up the leftover chicken wings and enjoy a late dinner.

Mississippi State at Southern Miss, FS1, 10:30

Arkansas State at USC, Pac-12, 11

After you finish eating it’s time to honor your team’s victory (if applicable) with a shot of whiskey.

If your team lost, it’s time to drown your sorrows with a shot of whiskey.


10:45 PM- Step 12

That second helping of chicken wings sure filled you up. Your body has given up on you, your wife has locked herself in her room, it’s time to give up on the day and go to bed…


There’s  two beers left in the fridge and you will use every last bit of juice you have in you to stay up and watch the last few games. The second wind is coming and you will embrace it like you have never embraced anything in your sad life!

Hop on the toilet (for the second time), vomit if you have to, but when you step out of that bathroom know that you have two more hours of peaking left. This is also a good time to squeeze in a quick shower because you certainly stink.

Just think about Monday you, and how they wish they were in your place right now. You think Monday you would even think of going to bed yet? Grab those two beers and a #DMD and plant your fat butt in front of the tv and keep living life…


You will know that you completed my 12 step program if you wake up in your backyard with your pants hanging from a tree for some reason.

Your wife will have certainly locked you out of your house but it’s kind of fun trying to find a way in.

This will be the only free schedule I provide all year. To continue the service you can attend one of my free weekly classes I offer at the Y on Tuesdays, September-December (with a $5.00 cover charge and $6 speaking fee)

****FYI: For you West Coasters, I do offer a Pacific Time Schedule via email for a one-time fee of $10.99, twice a month.


See you a week from Saturday ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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