Sit down and shut up you little twerps, it’s the final quarter of the season and it is time for midterms. The Buckeyes kind of blew out/kind of almost lost to the Goofs of Minnesota Saturday and there are only two tests left in the 2014 season. This isn’t about them however, this week is all about how much you have been paying attention to this crazy college football year.
Did you do your homework? Did you take notes? Find the harsh reality now…
Here is your 2014 final quarter midterm; the answer key is located at the bottom (no peeking):
1. What does the J.T. stand for in J.T. Barrett?
___________________________
2. Where is the strongest media bias located in the country?
___________________________
3. If Team A beats Team B and both have the same record while playing near identical schedules, who should be ranked higher?
___________________________
4. If a three loss team falls 59-0 in the forest, should they still be ranked?
___________________________
5. Who should Ohio State start at quarterback in 2015?
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6. Which team has more rushing yards than Wake Forest this season?
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7. Northwestern is a team that plays in the state of Illinois, please define:
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8. Please explain the San Jose Punt Phenomenon of 11/15/2014:
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9. How many rib bones does Ezekiel Elliott show on a given Saturday?
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10. Would you rather fight 100 duck sized Joey Bosa’s or one Joey Bosa sized duck?
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Your Grade: ___________________________
O.k. you little cheats, pencils down! Grade yourself on the honors system.
Here is the answer key:
1. What does the J.T. stand for in J.T. Barrett?
John Heisman
2. Where is the strongest media bias located in the country?
Eugene, Oregon. Somehow the Ducks slip by the media sensibility goalie every year and are considered the darlings of College Football only to be a bigger letdown than Dumb and Dumber To (I haven’t seen it but I’m an ASSumer). They already laid one egg this year against a decent Zona team but I bet they are good for one more. They moved in front of Florida State last week in the playoff poll for some reason, who knows why. Enough people are sick of Winston and FSU that nobody seems to have a problem with it.
If they finally break through this year and win a playoff game then I will eat some crow with a side of duck. The SEC certainly gets a lot more credit than they deserve and many losses are forgiven somehow, but they win the big one a lot.
I’m still not sure what Oregon has done to earn all of this street cred… I guess they beat Wisconsin a few years ago?
3. If Team A beats Team B and both have the same record while playing near identical schedules, who should be ranked higher?
Team B. I don’t come up with the material, I just give out the tests…
I still think the committee will come to their senses after a few weeks and move Baylor ahead of TCU but don’t be surprised to see chaos head down south before the season’s over.
4. If a three loss team falls 59-0 in the forest, should they still be ranked?
Yes. Forget the murder at the hands of Alabama, or the two other losses that weren’t all that close- The Texas A&M Aggies creeped into the top 25 last week.
Can you imagine a Big Ten team being ranked with a 7-3 record with wins over:
South Carolina, Lamar, Rice, SMU, Arkansas, Louisiana-Monroe and Auburn?
Luckily the Aggies fell out after a loss to Mizzou on Saturday- I’m assuming this, too lazy to double check the polls because… I’m over it.
5. Who should Ohio State start at quarterback in 2015?
If you answered this question with J.T. Barrett or Braxton Miller then you get zero points. The correct answer is “Who the hell cares?” This currently pointless debate will have plenty of time to be beaten to death from mid-January to August next year. Enjoy this current run Buckeye fans.
6. Which team player has more rushing yards than Wake Forest this season in one game?
Melvin Gordon.
Gordon had 408 yards in one game against Nebraska. Wake Forest has 341 yards rushing on the season…
Farooq can put it like only he can:
7. Northwestern is a team that plays in the state of Illinois, please define:
Bipolar: A team that manages to beat Wisconsin and Penn State soundly on the road, then wins in overtime against a once top 5 Notre Dame… Also lost to Cal, Northern Illinois, Minnesota, Nebraska, Michigan and Iowa (48-7)…
What the hell?
8. Please explain the San Jose Punt Phenomenon of 11/15/2014:
A truly spectacular case in which a team loses to Hawaii and scores zero points:
WITHOUT PUNTING ONCE!!!!! WHAT I DON’T EVEN!!!!!
That makes less sense then those tiny water bottles that John Beilein likes to drink.
 You got to respect a man so cautious he won’t even risk over hydration.
9. How many rib bones does Ezekiel Elliott show on a given Saturday?
Four. And I bet he’s got at least half a dozen hidden under there- He leaves that part to the imagination, which makes him even more a catch.
10. Would you rather fight 100 duck sized Joey Bosa’s or one Joey Bosa sized duck?
100 Duck sized Joey Bosa’s. You’re dead either way but just imagine trying to fight off that many pony tailed dreamboats. That’s a beautiful way for an Ohio State fan to reach his/her demise.
Bonus: Annunciation is everything in Broadway:
Double Bonus: The greatest pump up song of any kids childhood:
Ryan, the question is — who wins between 100 duck sized Joey Bosa’s vs. A Joey Bosa sized duck? Is that a paradoxical immovable object vs. unstoppable force type of situation here?