While the rest of the Buckeye Blogger Network has been looking at the five starting Buckeyes and their performance against Purdue Tuesday night, we here at MotSaG had secretly deployed a mind reading device, hoping to get an insight into what goes on inside the head of one of the coaches on the bench during this game. We hadn’t anticipated the interference that Coach Matta’s erratic movements would cause nor the overloading of the sensors during his more expressive outbursts at the referees, so his readings were unusable. Coach Boals perfectly coifed hair was clearly the result of using some poly-metal-alloy hair product, completely blocking any readings from his mind. Luckily, the gritty thick skull of Chris Jent was easily penetrated by our sophisticated equipment and we were able to piece together a few of his thoughts during the course of the game. (Please note that even at his age, he is still red-lining our GRITMETER)
On the non-calls:
“Wow, that looked like Sully got hacked on that play. No call, ref? Oh well. Tough guys grit this stuff out.”
Rage-filled shouting from Coach Matta
“Yikes, I guess coach Matta not a fan of that call.”
Unintelligible shouting from Coach Boals
“Man! Coach Boals really thinks that was a bad call. I wish he wouldn’t use words like that! How does he kiss his mamma with that mouth?
Maybe Coach Crean is right! Maybe Coach Boals should settle down. Maybe Coach does draw too much attention to himself.
What am I saying?! Maybe Coach Boals should punch Crean in his smug face. Like all those times I wish I could have socked Damon Bailey right in his stupid face. Oh man, did I just think that out loud? Good thing no one can read my mind.
Play on, big fella!”
On Aaron Craft’s grit-factor
“Craft reminds me so much of myself. I wish more guys would play like we he does. Sure, Sam Thompson can jump and touch the rafters and yeah Buford’s got that silky smooth J but what I wouldn’t give to see some more floorburns out there. Sure, Ravenel does what he can but these other guys, sheesh. Let’s get physical out there. It’s like Deshaun is allergic to hustle. Diving for a ball never hurt anyone son! God gave you five fouls for a reason! And don’t get me started on Sullinger. ‘Oh, look at me and all this weight I lost! Who needs to bang when I got this new outside jumper in my repertoire?’ You need to bang, son! You do. The Good Lord blessed you with that backside. It was a gift. And now you think you’re Dirk Novitzki.”
On the reluctance of the bench players shooting
“I know the feeling, man. Just chill, dribble the ball around, don’t worry about shooting. Basketball isn’t just about putting the ball in the hoop. There’s rebounds and steals and charges to take. Let other guys deal with the hard things like making jump shots. Just pass the ball to Buford. There you go. Now hustle, Shannon. Back on defense. Square the shoulders, up in his face.
Atta boy.”
On the defense
“What are we doing on these high screens? Why! Wait no! Ugh no that. CRAP. Man, Byrd was open on that play. Shoulda bumped him”
“Whoa, Craft just got blown by there. Someone shoulda bumped him”
“Another blow-by on Craft? Shoulda bumped him”
“FORGET THIS. THIS IS OUR HOUSE. SOMEONE HIT SOMEONE. SOMEONE COMES DOWN THAT LANE YOU BETTER SMACK THE PURDUE OUT OF HIM! RRRAAAGGGGGGGE”
(At this point, the signal goes dead for a few minutes, during which we assume Jent blacked-out, due to rage.)
During time-outs
“I wonder how Katie Smith is doing?”
From the rest of the Network:
The Buckeye Battle Cry – BBN Hoops Microscope: Lenzelle Smith Jr. vs. Purdue
The Buckeye Blog – Buford Steps Up in Close Win Over Purdue
Buckeye House Call – BBN Hoops Microscope: Sully vs. Purdue
Our Honor Defend – BBN Hoops Microscope: Aaron Craft vs. Purdue
The Silver Bullet – BBN Hoops Microscope: Deshaun Thomas vs. Purdue
Pretty good stuff, el Kaiser. I always wondered what went on in a coaches mind during a game. This explanins a lot. And you probably won’t have to worry about hair gel blocking Jent’s thoughts.