Arkansas Previewed by Dan Fouts

We are proud to present to you this Most Excellent Preview of the Sugar Bowl by fan favorite and NFL Legend Dan Fouts:

It is the Sugar Bowl, which is one of the six BCS games that will be played this year. This game will be played in New Orleans. New Orleans is a city in Louisiana. Louisiana has been flooded and rebuilt numerous times. I don’t understand why the people there just don’t leave, this place is cursed or something. It is close to the ocean, which is wet. And susceptible to hurricanes and tsunamis. This is common knowledge and people should probably stop being so stubborn and such a burden on the United States Government.

The United States is made up of about 50 states. Arkansas is one of them. Like Louisiana, I don’t know why anyone would want to live in Arkansas. Hey, that reminds me: “What did Tennessee? Same thing Arkansas!”

You can expect that kind of punny humor all preview long.

So let’s talk about this game. We have here another match between the Big Ten and the Southeastern Conference. The SEC has not been kind to the Big Ten and especially unkind to Ohio State in bowl games. The last I checked, The Ohio State Buckeyes hadn’t beaten a Southern team since the refs handed them the 2002 Fiesta Bowl.

Arkansas brings with it a very potent (sort of like my beard) offense led by former Michigan Wolverine Ryan Mallett. This Mallett kid started his career at Michigan and transferred to Arkansas when he realized he had no place in Rich Rodriguez’s system. Now, when you transfer schools you have to sit out a season. Many people think Mallett should enter the NFL draft this year, but smart people and my beard think that is a bad idea. That part about throwing a lot of interceptions should give Ohio State fans hope because they are rightly nervous about The Razorback high flying offense. Mallett has many options to throw the football to, all of whom happen to be good a catching the football, which is one of the many things a Wide Receiver should be able to do.

The Razorbacks also bring in a running back that is not Darren McFadden but sure looks like it: Knile Davis. Davis emerged as a solid second option for the Razorback offense down the stretch and is terrifingly fast. Wouldn’t you agree that silent K’s are pretty useless?

Now, in order for Ohio State to win they should strive to prevent Mallett from throwing the football to his fast teammates.

Ohio State brings its own awesome (again, like my beard) offense led by Junior Terrelle Pryor. Late last year it was revealed that Pryor had sold some of his championship jewelry. I wish he would have consulted me beforehand. I’ve sold some things as well, namely my soul to ESPN/ABC and CBS. That really didn’t work out that well. And yet Craig James still has a job.

Ohio State will have Daniel “Boom” Herron in the backfield (among a bevy of other young studs that back him up) that had a strong closing to his Junior year, rushing for over 400 yards in his final four games. During the Sugar Bowl, you may hear Ohio State fans chant a sound similar to “Boooo” when Herron has the ball. They’re not a actually booing him, they’re saying “Nooooge.” That’s because he’s a big fan of Ted Nugent. Also Mike Nugent played for the Buckeyes during a time which I boldly proclaimed many things that were actually factually incorrect. I will never forget this.

On Defense, Ohio State is led by Senior Cameron Heyward. Cameron’s dad, Craig, was a former NFL player. I’m not sure if that had ever been brought to your attention. He was known as “Iron Head Heyward.” It is a little known fact that his head was not actually made of iron.

The defense is loaded with players that can just flat out make plays. It’s Tackle City and Ross Homan is the mayor and Brian Rolle is the sheriff. Brian Rolle scares me. He plays with reckless abandon and he leaves it all out on the field. That is why Ohio State will probably win the Sugar Bowl because this defense will give 120% and leave it on the field.

Ohio State is coached by Jim Tressel. Jim Tressel is known as “The Senator” because of his sweatervest which is, as you know, is the uniform of all the senators. Also, because of his popularity and stability he would have been elected following the 2002 National Championship season, which, like the pass interfence penalty, would have been a BAD CALL.

Bobby Petrino, on the other hand, is actually the exact opposite of Jim Tressel. Stability is not in his vocabulary. He does bring a wicked offense that will give the Ohio State defense a run for its money.

The biggest key to this game will be scoring points and whoever scores the most will most likely be the winner. Unless the other team scores more than them, in which case they will be the winner.

I think Ohio State will be the winner by scoring 34 points while Arkansas will only be able to score 27.

(With apologies to Phat Phree (whose site I would link but appears their site has been overtaken by all manner of malware and viruses))

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