Simply the best

FootballWow. How awesome was that game?

What a courageous performance! Chad Henne continues to prove that he’s the most underrated player in the country. Three hundred and nine yards, punks! In the Rose Bowl. Ha! Remember the “awesome” Vince Young? He only threw for 267 yards last year. In the Rose Bowl. Against the same USC defense. It continues to anger all objective fans of college football that Henne wasn’t invited to New York. Stupid anti-Michigan bias.

And Michael Hart’s two-point conversion was a thing of beauty. And did you see how awesome his first play from scrimmage was?!? Holy cow, his first run alone was good enough for a first down!

Defense-wise, how classy was the UM secondary? In the face of what must have been overwhelming sadness over the loss of Gerald Ford, the “English Majors” wiped away the tears and were able to force a turnover against the mighty Men of Troy.

Crable, sad in rememberance of Bo and Gerald, was all like “im in ur city, forcin’ ur turnovers.”

When it’s all said and done, it’s clear to everyone that Michigan was, in fact, cheated out of a Glendale spot. They are clearly the best team in the country. Okay, maybe the second-best team. But since they didn’t get a rematch with OSU, we’ll never know who was the better team there. Only Glendale could have solved that problem. Stupid poll voters and their anti-Michigan bias.

I know some will point to the fact that USC won this game, but only if you define “win” in the “who had more points on the scoreboard when the game ended” way. So, not so fast, my friend! Consider the following:

The only reason USC won this sham of a game was that crappy field. Anyone else notice that only Michigan players were slipping? I call shenanigans. Someone needs to sneak into the USC locker room tonight and check the players’ cleat length. It’s not fair. I think there should be a new NCAA rule that every team gets field turf like what’s installed at the Big House. Real grass is so… well… real. And it’s soooo “20th century”-ish. Could we all step into the future, please, before any more tragedies occur? How many national titles must be sacrificed until the NCAA steps in and evens the field for everyone?

Besides, Super Mario, Arrington, and Hart are more susceptible to bad grass than anyone on the Trojans’ squad. Those guys don’t make as many cuts as the well-schooled UM playmakers do.

Also, the only reason USC won the game tonight was the terrible weather conditions. USC “somehow” managed to get Michigan driving into the sun during the game’s opening drive. Write it down: if it was a cloudy day, the Heisman runner-runner-runner up Hart would have turned that initial 10-yard scamper into a long touchdown run. Southern Cal just lucked out, there. Who knows what would have happened had the game kicked off three hours later? It could have been a totally different game. Stupid solar system and its anti-Michigan bias.

The physical elements were all like “im in ur stadium, forcin’ ur loss.”

What about that crappy officiating, anyway? Anyone with eyes could clearly see that Morgan Trent wasn’t ready when the ball was snapped on Jarrett’s 65-yard TD catch. Aren’t they supposed to catch those things? Stupid ACC officials and their anti-Michigan bias.

And how come nobody’s talking about all the extra weight the Michigan team was carrying around? Every-single-player was wearing an extra “48/Bo” sticker on his helmet to honor those former team leaders. I saw the assistants carry a box full of those stickers onto the sidelines before the game started. The box looked heavy to me. Five pounds, at least. And we’re not just talking about weight, here; it’s a fact that the drag coefficience of a non-stickered helmet is superior to that of a stickered one. USC players didn’t have to deal with the extra air drag. Stupid stickers and their anti-Mich… well, you see where I’m going, here. At any rate, that’s a Michigan player for you. Willing to risk bad drag-coefficience to honor a fallen comerade.

The sticker is all like “im on ur helmet, ruinin’ ur streamlinin'”

But trust me, the reason the Trojans didn’t wear the stickers wasn’t only to gain the streamlining advantage. It’s just the culture of USC fans to be “anti-Michigan,” instead of “pro-USC.” How classless. Refusing to wear the stickers just proved how much they hate Schembechler and Ford, and the depths they would go to just to win.

Speaking of classlessness, it was also disgusting to see the criminalistic attitudes of USC fans cheering every time the Trojans had a somewhat decent play. Trust me, they weren’t cheering for USC, they were cheering against Michigan. I feel bad for the Michigan fans that had to thread their way through Pasadena after the game, without national guard support or anything. But that’s a UM fan for you, risking his or her life in rough environments to support the winningest team in history. What touching loyalty.

So, that’s my opinion. The University of Michigan Wolverines, the better team on the field yet again, and cheated out of a BCS title, yet again. Just wait ’til next year, baby!!




    that’s one of the funniest (truest?) things I’ve ever read. I’m definitely making sure to put a link to this on my next post.

  2. rofl

  3. Brilliance. Once again, pure brilliance.

  4. Boy, is that true! I just spent the weekend in Detroit and got to hear over and over again how we ‘cheated’ Michigan out of a victory in Columbus!


  5. i’m n yur comments, posting joo props!

    awesome post man.

  6. Why oh why was I born in Columbus, Ohio?! It was “cruel” fate that I’m a Buckeyes fan. If only I’d been born in Ann Arbor. I too have been cheated.

  7. buckeye girl says

    This is fantastic. Don’t forget to add that little trash-talking weasel Mike Hart who ran for a magnificant, wait, sit down…47 yards…said that USC is “way better than Ohio State.” I am sure that his stellar record of 0-3 against the Buckeyes is also attributable to that same “anti-michigan” bias!!

  8. Baby Jeezus says


  9. Ouch. That hurt. Go ahead – kick me when I am down.

    You guys better win against Florida.

  10. Thanks to everyone for the props.

    After a short conversation with el Kaiser, I thought it’d be prudent to emphasize (to anyone whose sarcasm meter is broken) that we are not mocking the UM team here, but rather only poking fun at the collective attitude of Wolverine nation over the past six weeks.

    In other words, we’re targeting the fans and bloggers, not the team that went 11-2 against a tough schedule and made it to the Rose Bowl.

    In all seriousness: Congrats to UM on a great 11-2 year.

    In all snarkiness: carr’s in ur Big House, loozin’ ur big gamez.

  11. Our performance should give you guys some pause. Going into the RB, I was pretty certain we were the #2 team and would win handily. After watching that, it’s obvious we aren’t as good as we thought we were (although it should have been closer if Carr hadn’t been so glacially slow to adjust his gameplan, but I digress).

    I’ve been convinced that OSU will kill Florida, but after the RB, I’m honestly not so sure anymore. Did a weak B10 make OSU and Michigan look better than they are? I don’t know. Troy Smith is a hell of a difference maker and he alone could be enough for the Bucks, so I guess we’ll see Monday night.

  12. Best. Review. Ever.

  13. UM96, that’s a good point. I wondered the same thing myself, but then realized two things:

    (1) The big difference between OSU and USC’s approach to UM was the defense… OSU hardly blitzed at all during that game, where USC blitzed on most downs. Henne has one of the best arms, providing he sits still. Get him moving around, and he’s terrible. Pete Carroll saw this, and exploited it. Every armchair CFB fan in the country was puzzled as to why we never saw Henne in the shotgun.

    (2) UM didn’t get the “breaks” against USC that it got when it played OSU (three turnovers and seven points from the officials). Had USC turned the ball over three times in its own red zone, and had Michigan gotten seven points from the officials, the RB probably would have been a lot different.

    So I’m not sure how much we can use the RB to gauge how “good” OSU is. The only thing we can be sure of is that Carroll made the adjustments, while Carr stuck the course, and it worked out for USC.

    We’ll have more on this in the upcoming days, but there is no overconfidence here that OSU is a “lock” for the title. Florida will be a tough, tough game. If it’s not, I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I’m expecting a dog fight.

  14. You also forgot to mention that an athletic 5-2 defense is a bad match-up for the zone-blocking style of running.

    Yes this should create some cause for concern, but most of that fades when you look back at the game and realize how little Carr adjusted to what USC was throwing at them (as well as how well Carroll adjusted to what U of M was doing on both sides of the ball).

  15. I would love to read this and say I laughed but I must say I am offended at the least. Your blatant use of stereotypes falls nothing short of ignorant stereotyping.

    English majors just don’t deserve that type of treatment.

    (Keep up the good work)

    (a recovering English major)

  16. Oh that was an absolutely spectacular piece sportsMonkey, it made my day! Spot on and very funny, kudos!

    Go Bucks!



  1. […] I had enough of that noise and spoke my peace. That felt good. Of course, we couldn’t let any opportunity to needle our foes up north, and sportsMonkey did it was […]

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