ESPN GameDay Preview 2011

Fowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football Preview, here on ESPN. 2011 is shaping up to be another great season for college football, and not just for the SEC.

I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, Erin Andrews, and Mark May. Later we’ll be joined by Desmond Howard and our old pal Kirk Herbstreit.

All co-anchors: Hi.

Fowler: Let’s start with what was a very tumultous offseason. Mark… so many scandals, shocking behavior. It’s almost amazing that the chaos was limited entirely to the Ohio State program.

May: Absolutely, Chris. While Ohio State’s implosion was not surprising, it was amazing that no the other schools in college football did anything worth noting this summer.

Holtz: (nods) Yesth. A very quiet off-season, overall.

Fowler: Quiet for everyone except the fans in Columbus, who are the very reason we have our very own Kirk Herbstreit reporting from an undisclosed location in Tennessee. Welcome, Herbie.

(– Herbstreit appears on video monitor –)

Herbstreit: Hi everyone.

Fowler: So the fans in central Ohio were rough on you, huh?

Herbstreit: It was a nightmare, Chris. I had this social network account — “Twitter” — maybe you’ve heard of it, and some folks started to tweet some very nasty things. I had to uproot my wife and three boys and move down here to SEC country where I knew I’d be safe.

Howard: That is amazing. I can vouch for Kirk in that Big Ten fans can be rough like that. I don’t know that I’d move my family to where polar bears come from, though.

Andrews: Hi, Kirk; this is Erin. Might wanna either tell your camerman or your tanning spa lady to turn down the orange. Can’t tell.

(– Herbie’s lips quiver, fights back tears. Takes microphone off and leaves frame –)

Fowler: ERIN… you know how sensitive Kirk is. You can’t tease him like that. Now who knows where he’s gone.

Andrews: (laughing) Sorry Chris… it’s just too easy.

Holtz: That boy needth to grow thome thicker skin.

Corso: (points pencil at camera) I agree. Thick skin. Boy. Grow. …uh huh. Thicker!!

Fowler: Let’s move on. It’s obviously going to be another banner year for the SEC. Which team playing for the SEC title will win the national championship? Desmond?

Howard: Well, I was going to go with Texas this year, but the more I analyze the team, the less I think they can compete. Just looki– (audio cuts off)

Everyone: (shushing Desmond) SSHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Fowler: Um, what Desmond meant to say was that it was possible that Texas could contend for the national championship. He didn’t disparage the Longhorns, nor (– reads from cheat sheet –) “…reasonably make any inappropriate statements or actions disparaging the quality and reputation desired by the University of Texas or the Longhorn Network for ESPN on-air talent.” (takes deep breath) And speaking of legal obstacles, we’ll now welcome Craig James to the program.

James: (Joins crew on set) Watch it, Fowler.

Fowler: (nervously) Hahahaaa…. just kidding, pal. What insight do you have on this season?

James: Well, it’s going to be a good season. Of course, I’ll be running for US Senate –

Fowler: (interrupting) Whoa there, Craig… we’re not allowed to use ESPN as a platform for –

James: (gruffly) Interrupt me ONE MORE TIME and I’ll Feldman your skinny butt. Got it?

Fowler: (scared) …uh, sure, sure, buddy.

James: Anyway, like I was saying, I’ll be running for Senator for the great state of Tex- (audio cuts off, screen goes dark)

(– 30 seconds transpire. The familiar GameDay scene returns; Craig James is no longer there. –)

Fowler: Looks like we had some technical difficulties, there, thank you for watching. Let’s get back to the program.

May: Chris, if I may, we need to refocus on Terrelle Pryor’s tattoos.

Corso: I had a tattoo once. Funny guy. Was always looking for planes.

(– everyone exchanges awkward glances –)

Andrews: I spoke to several coaches about the NCAA violations at Ohio State. Everyone I spoke to, from Chip Kelley to Gene Chizek, and even former coaches like Randy Shannon and Pete Carroll, gave surprisingly positive, supportive comments about Jim Tressel and the Ohio State program.

Fowler: Yes, some fine gentlemen there, supporting a fellow coach, obviously relieved that similar drama has never invaded their own programs. (Puts finger to earpiece) I’m told we have Kirk Herbstreit back, Kirk, are you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor alongside Nancy Grace –)

Herbstreit: Yes, Chris, I’m here. It was necessary to leave ESPN and move here to the relative safety of CNN.

Grace: Don’t you worry about Kirk, fellas. I’ve got my eye on him.

Holtz: Kirk, you can’t keep doin thisth, son. You gotta settle down somewhere.

Herbstreit: Let it go, old man. I’m here to talk football.

Grace: What just a minute here! You call that sweet old man ‘OLD MAN?!? Didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?!?

Everyone: Nancy, don’t!! You’ll make him —

Herbstreit: Stop yelling at me!! (sobs, tears out microphone, runs off set crying)

Grace: Good riddance, Bronzholio.

Andrews: OOHH I am so stealing that!! (addresses producer off-camera) What tech do I have to flash to get “bronzholio” in the ESPN crawler at the bottom of the screen? For the rest of the afternoon?

Fowler: Let’s spend a few minutes discussing the Pac10. Desmond, lots of great running backs up at Oregon this year. Any of them faster or better than the eventual SEC Heisman winner?

Howard: Yes, I agree. Terrelle Pryor got tattoos. Big ones. I saw one on his arm and was all like “that must have hurt going on” but I guess the pain was worth it for someone wanting to take down Ohio State. Just amazing that no other football team had any issues this year. Strange.

Fowler: Yeah, certainly a strange year. Our own Mark May sat down with former coach Jim Tressel and new head coach Luke Fickell to get their perspectives… let’s run that.

(– video starts –)

May: Thanks for talking to me, coaches. Let me ask you this: Why did you decide to coach at OSU, instead of anywhere else where NCAA violations aren’t committed?

Tressel: I loved Ohio State, and in particular, the players, with all of my heart and wish them all the best in the future.

May: Great. Speaking of the future, let me ask you, Luke. I hear you do a mean Adam Sandler impression. Care to give us a preview?

Fickell: …Well… okay. Just this once. (Makes Sandler face)

“…abby doobie… abbie doobie…”

May: (laughing uncontrollably) HAHAHAHA abbie doobie and everything… Hee hee… so Mr. Tressel… lots of people asking where you’re going to end up. Any plans for the future?

Tressel: Well, I’m taking it easy… keeping my options open. Was thinking of going into broadcasting… I hear there’s a few open spots for talent over at the Longhorn Netwo- (video abruptly ends)

Fowler: (cheat sheet in hand… looking back and forth on-and-off camera for a few seconds) …um… looks like we had some technical difficulties there. We’ll try and play the rest of that conversation later on. In the meantime, I’m told that we have Kirk Herbstreit back again. Now… (motioning to the team) before I welcome him back, let’s everyone take it easy, okay?

Everyone: (snickering) Okay.

Fowler: Kirk, you there?

(– Herbie appears on monitor, appears to be floating. –)

Herbstreit: Hi Chris, I’m here. The environment at CNN was so abusive that I had to move here to NASA TV. They’ve got me onboard the International Space Station.

Corso: He’s flying!!

(– Trev Alberts appears –)

Alberts: Hi everyone!!

Holtz: Trev?!? How’d you get up here? How’d you get past sthecurity?

Alberts: Easy. You are looking at the very first on-air talent hire for the Longhorn Network. We’re peers again!!

May: (eyes wide, mouth agape) TREV?!?…But…but this violates our restaining order!

Alberts: TALK TO THE HAND, FAT URKEL. Hey, where’s Herbie?

Corso: Herbie…. Kirk… boom zoom Moon.

Herbstreit: Up here, Trev. Welcome back, I guess.

Andrews: Hey Herbie, you know you’re above the ozone layer, right? You can get a tan in like 30 seconds up there.

Herbstreit: THAT’S IT!! I GIVE UP!! (opens helmet) (FOOM) (explosively decompresses)

Holtz: Oh… thath disthgusting.

Andrews: WOOO! I totally got dibs on his hairstylist!!

Howard: Man. What a privilege. To die broadcasting from the bottom of the sea like that. Inspiring.

Fowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For the crew here at the Longhorn Network, ESPN, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.

 

 

 

 

**Author’s Notes: el Kaiser was a co-author for this post. Some images found on 30fps. And if you thought we were exaggerating with the Longhorn Network legalese: check it out for yourself. Sometimes reality has its own comic exaggeration.