ESPN Gameday 2010 Season Opener

espn.jpgFowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football Preview, here on ESPN. 2010 is shaping up to be another great season for college football, and not just for the SEC.

We hope you enjoyed the first hour of programming featuring our own Erin Andrews. She’s joining us this morning, along with our other coanchors Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, Mark May, Desmond Howard, our old pal Kirk Herbstreit, and of course I’m Chris Fowler. Later we’ll be joined by Big 10 commissioner Jim Delaney.

All co-anchors: Hi.

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Fowler: Let’s start with some discussion on what everyone’s talking about: the new Big 10 divisional alignments. Will this finally make the Big 10 as exciting as the SEC? Erin, why don’t you start us off?

Andrews: Of course, Chris. Even though OSU and Michigan are in different divisions now, each division is very balanced in terms of strength and power. For instance, Ohio State’s innovative hybrid 3-4/Eagle defense will be challenging for intra-divisional rival Penn State’s Spread HD, as OSU can flip out the SAM and STAR linebackers anytime they want to go to a more traditional 4-3 under.

Fowler: (rolls eyes) Kinda overshot there, Erin; but thanks for the insight.

Holtz: Holy cow, did a WOMAN justh sthay that?!?

Herbstreit: Erin, looking good today. Who’s your stylist?

Andrews: (narrows eyes) We’ve talked about this, Kirk. That’s not a football question.

Corso: Nah, she’s right. She’s right. The divisional alignments are perfect, with the zoom and the bam and the POW! Exactly what the Big 10 needed.

Howard: I’m looking forward to seeing how Oklahoma will fare in the expanded Big 10. Stoops certainly has a challenge in front of him, that’s for sure.

Fowler: Speaking of conference realigments, let’s waste another few non-SEC minutes discussing the Pac 10. Mark, what do you see in store for the Pac 10 this year?

May: That’s an excellent question, Chris. USC is still the best team in the conference, and I look for them to win it all. But, because of the sanctions, I think Oregon will end up being the team selected for the Rose Bowl.

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Fowler: Earlier this week, Erin managed to interview Lane Kiffin about USC. Let’s roll part of that interview, the rest will be aired on the… oh geez… on the (making air quotes) “Erin Andrews Portion” of next week’s show.

Holtz: Wait… they’re letting The Women interview coaches, now?

Corso: Oh this’ll be good.

(—–tape begins—–)

Andrews: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us, Coach. With all the recent drama surrounding the USC program, can you tell us what it’s been like being under the microscope this past year?

Kiffin: Well, it’s been tough, honestly. We’ve had to make a lot of cuts to our player benefits. For instance, we can’t set their parents up in beachfront housing anymore; we’re having to keep them in a leased mobile home in Reseda. And we’ve had to replace all the Escalades with slightly-used Geo Metros.

Andrews: Sounds like you’re really sacrificing, Coach. How are the players taking it?

Kiffin: Not too well, I’m afraid. They took it hard when Will Ferrell ended up getting banned from the sidelines; we can only get away with Will Forte now. Same with Snoop Dog. We can’t allow him in the locker room anymore, so we’re trying to get Kid N Play for 2010, but so far we’ve only got Kid. I tell you honestly, it’s way different that I ever remember.

(—–tape ends—–)

Fowler: Some poignant words there from Lane Kiffin. Nice interview, Sweetlips.

Herbstreit: Yeah, Erin… that’s a great tan…. do you use UV or spray? I prefer spray.

Andrews: Yeah we can all tell, Kirk, you’re getting more orange by the minute.

Howard: Sure, I think there’s a chance the Syracuse Orange could win the Pac 10 this year.

Fowler: Back to the Big 10. Early yesterday, Joe Paterno announced that he would be starting a true freshman at quarterback. Mark, how do you think he’s going to fare in a tough, tough, but not-as-tough-as-the-SEC, conference?

May: I like Penn State’s chances. Especially against Ohio State, which as usual, is pathetically overrated.

Herbstreit: Hey Mark – your hatred of OSU has nothing to do with the Buckeyes destroying your alma mater Pitt by 32, 35, 40, and 72 points in the years following your graduation there?

may.jpgMay: Shut up, bronze boy.

Holtz: I think that Joe Paterno, asth long as he can stay heathy, hath as good a chance as any to win the Big 10.

corso.jpgCorso: Yes, but staying healthy is the key… is the KEY. (points pencil at camera) It all comes down to how many diaper changes he needs per game. WOO! That man poops like a broken root beer dispenser!!

Andrews: That’s just gross.

Fowler: Well let’s go straight to the horse’s mouth, so to speak, and welcome Big 10 Commissioner Jim Delaney to the program. Thanks for stopping by, sir.


Delaney: Yes.

Fowler: Your conference has certainly been in the news a lot this year… you’ve added Nebraska, had the conference realignment, the Big 10 Network is doing well… But do you really think people care about non-SEC events anymore?

Delaney: The SEC has done well. Yet now i sense the public’s wish to continue their search for traditional football.

Fowler: Heh… (dripping with disdain) You really don’t think you can compete with the SEC, though?

Delaney: The collegiate presidents now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the other conferences in line. Fear of this conference.

Fowler: Your overconfidence in the Big 10s tradition is your weakness!

Delaney: Your faith in the longevity of the SEC is yours!!

Fowler: So what? It’s not like you had the foresight to see that the SEC was only enjoying a temporary and cyclical heyday, not like you were smart enough to create a nationwide television network of your own, then wait for the inevitably waning SEC to sign a contract with ESPN, then strategically expand your conference, adding millions of new viewers right before creating a years’ worth of free PR to… advertise that… television net…work….(trails off) Oh… oh no.

Delaney: Heh heh… (cackling) Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen.

May: Uh-oh.

Delaney: Now stand back and witness the firepower of this FULLY OPERATIONAL superconference!!

Howard: I like Star Wars. Spock was always my favorite character, but Bones was funnier.

Herbstreit: Man, your hair sure is dreamy, Erin.

Andrews: Bite me, Kirk.

(—–Trev Alberts appears—–)

Alberts: Hi, guys!!

Corso: Trev?!? How’d you get past security?

Alberts: Jim Delaney snuck me in inside a Tauntaun carcass.

Herbstreit: Ugh. So that’s what that smell is…

Alberts: I want my job back, fellas.

Andrews: NO WAY. I’ve worked too hard, I’m not giving my slot up now!

Holtz: In my day no woman’d talk to a man like that (grumbles).

Fowler: Easy, honeyhips. Ain’t no way Trev is ever coming back.

Alberts: Oh, ya? What if you don’t have a choice? What if I tell you that if you don’t re-hire me, I can bring this entire network down?

Fowler: And just how do you plan to do that?

Alberts: I just so happen to have, in my possession, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN pictures of a certain BEAUTIFUL, BLONDE ESPN REPORTER, taken through a hotel room door peephole. These are dynamite!

Andrews: (starting to sob) Oh, no not again!!

All male co-anchors: Wooo…. really? (clamoring) Show us what you got!! You’re bluffing!!

Alberts: All right… you asked for it! (holds picture to camera)

 

 

Fowler: Um…

May: Ew.

Andrews: HA HA Herbie, your turn!! Suck it!!

Holtz: Wow, she’ths even wearing men’th clothes now.

Herbstreit: I look so… pale.

fowlerheadgear.jpgFowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For the old man, the woman, the African Americans, and the orange-y bronze guy, I’m Chris Fowler, and we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.

 

 

 

 

**Author’s Note: el Kaiser helped in the writing of this article.

Comments

  1. Amazing… Reading Desmond’s quotes, I actually thought you might have gotten hold of a transcript…

  2. That was some funny shiznit lol

  3. Well done again! The Kiffin part was the best…

  4. No love for your co-conspirator? 😉

    Great stuff, as always, Monkey. The Delaney/Emperor bits were inspired.

  5. Oh, man; how uncool of me. Sorry eK!! I’ll update the post to correct the oversight.

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