Penn State flushes Rose Bowl hopes

paternoPressFootballSTATE COLLEGE, PA — In his postgame press conference, Penn State coach Joe Paterno had no answers for his team’s odious performance against the Buckeyes.

“We stunk up the place,” said the elder coach, his brown coffee steaming in the chilly November air. “Ya gotta give credit to those guys; they just ripped us a new one.”

The Lions entered the game having laid waste to the chocolate cupcakes that filled the first half of their season. But the Buckeyes lit a match under their ground game and amassed an easy 228 yards against the nation’s #5 ranked rush defense.

pryorScramblePSU09“Those runs, those runs,” complained linebacker Sean Lee, who was manhandled throughout the game by a fired-up Buckeye O-line. “We tried to grunt our way through it, but we couldn’t get any reverse penetration.” He also drew attention to the lackluster passing defense. “We dropped a deuce. Two TDs. We haven’t done that all year. On that third quarter bomb to Posey, I saw it and was immediately yelling ‘Code Brown!! Code Brown!!’ which is our fire drill for the safety to cover the long snake route. We just let that one slip away. We tried to get T.P. all day long, but just ended up with mud all over our hands and faces.”

Paterno agreed. “We laid turds on special teams, too. That number 82, what’s his name, Small, he’s shifty. Had our gunners leaving skid marks in the turf trying to take the angles to catch him. After the first punt return, some of the coaches were over there to the coverage team and trying to get them to let the corn out, you know? Grow a tail, quit with the trots to the line of scrimmage, get out there and tackle. But they let another one happen later. Ah, well. Jimmy’s got a good ball club over there.”

With losses to Iowa and OSU, Penn State can hope to finish no higher than third in the conference. Senior QB Daryl Clark says the team’s focus has changed. “Yeah, we were hoping for the Rose or a national title shot, you know? It’s been a long season, and some of the younger kids are just pooped. But now we seniors just have to lead and get the team to finish out and do our best to get Coach Paterno to the best bowl we can. That’s when he’s at his best – when he’s not too far from a nice bowl.”

JoePaPoopingHimselfAsked if he could make it to a bowl, Paterno said, “Depends. We’ve got a lot of running to do.” And athletic fundamentals aren’t the only focus, as Paterno has plans to bring in a series of motivational speakers to give pregame speeches. “Yeah, we’re gonna try it. I’ve got a rather unorthodox friend – a big bald guy with a cigar – he’ll show up at the bowl at least. We’ll try whatever we can.”


  1. My favorite quotes:

    “We dropped a deuce.”

    “Code Brown”

    “We laid turds on special teams”

    “We stunk up the place”

    “ripped us a new one”

    “younger kids are just pooped”

    This article I am hoping is in no way real…right?

    Either way, this is the best thing ever.

  2. I had to light a match after reading that one. You win again, sportsMonkey.

  3. Thanks, guys. “Bald guy with a cigar showing up at the bowl” seemed a bit forced, but it makes me LOL so I had to use it. 🙂

    BTW: for those with too much time on their hands, there are no fewer than 25 references to JoePa pooping his pants inclusive. A “Where’s Waldo” of PSU excrement, if you will.

  4. LOL I bought it until you said Paterno said “ripped us a new one”

    Good stuff.

  5. Monkey Sister says

    “Depends. We’ve got a lot of running to do”

    Loved it!

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