Does this sound ridiculous to you?

Two teams, two quarterbacks, two great defenses, two nearly identical statistical performances. What happens when you take one team’s game recap — apparently written by a sports journalist with a straight face — and do a find-and-replace on the names and numbers?

Open the original in a new window, then follow the jump for side-by-side comparison hilarity:

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Superman returns to lead the Buckeyes to a big win

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Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor runs upfield during the third quarter against Wisconsin at Ohio Stadium Saturday, October 10, 2009.

COLUMBUS, Oh. — The legend grows.

Terrelle Pryor’s numbers Saturday night in Ohio Stadium probably don’t speak Heisman Trophy. But everything else about his performance does.

Only a few hours after being asked to start Saturday’s game against unbeaten Wisconsin, Ohio State’s All-Everything quarterback willed the No. 9 Buckeyes to yet another huge victory — a 31-13 triumph over the Badgers before a hostile crowd of 105,301 in the Horseshoe.

Pryor completed 5 of 13 passes for 87 yards and threw a 32-yard TD strike to sophomore wide receiver DeVier Posey late in the first half to spark the victory. Pryor also rushed for 35 yards on 10 carries.

“Obviously, Terrelle came out and played his heart out,” OSU coach Jim Tressel said. “Our offensive line did a good job of protecting him for the most part. We were somewhat conservative. So much of that game plan depends on how your defense is playing and special teams. Those two phases were tremendous. This is a great win.”

Pryor’s courageous performance came two weeks to the day after he sustained a sack in the second half against Illinois.

“You know Terrelle. He said, ‘Let me play, let me play.’ It was non-stop,” Tressel said.

Even though the OSU coaching staff tried to keep Pryor out of harm’s way as much as possible with a conservative game plan, Pryor took numerous hits and bounced right up from each and every one.

And this certainly wasn’t just a Pryor victory. This was one of the best team victories in the Tressel era, moving the Buckeyes to 5-1 on the season and 3-0 in the Big Ten.

The Buckeyes controlled the ball offensively and completely dismantled the explosive Badgers for most of the game — and through the entire second half in which OSU held the conference’s best rushing offense to three points.

The defense held the Big Ten’s leading rusher, John Clay, to only 59 yards on 20 carries and no touchdowns, while producing two interception returns for touchdowns and six sacks against the conference’s best offensive line.

“Coach (Jim) Heacock and coach (Luke) Fickell and the defensive staff, and more importantly, the defensive players, did a tremendous job,” Tressel said.

Ohio State took a 14-10 halftime lead with Pryor’s TD strike to Posey with only 40 seconds to go in the second quarter. The Buckeyes then made it a three-score game with a 37-yard field goal by Aaron Pettrey that put OSU up 31-13 midway through the fourth quarter.

Wisconsin never threatened again against an attacking OSU defense.

“In the second half, we could not score any points,” Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema said. “In a game where you have an advantage in time-of-possession, you have to move the football. You don’t have the opportunity to take that many sacks and give up two interception returns for TDs. Fourteen points in a game like that seems like a lot of points.

“Terrelle Pryor is a very fine player. He’s a competitor. It’s good for them. They needed to play like they did, so they win.”

It appeared the Ohio State game plan in the first half was to play defense, run the ball and do whatever it took to protect Pryor.

It wasn’t a typical early performance for Pryor, who spent most of the first two quarters handing off to tailbacks Brandon Saine and Daniel Herron.

The conservative approach worked. The Buckeye defense controlled the line of scrimmage and took a 7-0 lead on an 89-yard interception return by Kurt Coleman to culminate OSU’s first points of the game.

The OSU defense seemed in control for most of the game. The Buckeyes came up with a key stop from the 35-yard line to force the Badgers to kick a 50-yard field goal by Philip Welch to make it a 10-7 game with 1:53 left in the half.

Once the Buckeyes got the ball back, they opened up their playbook a little more and let Pryor be more like Pryor.

The result was an 88-yard scoring drive that Pryor finished off with a 32-yard pass to Posey with 40 seconds remaining in the half to give the Buckeyes a 14-10 lead.

The defense preserved the lead when Jermale Hines intercepted a Scott Tolzien pass on the Wisconsin 32 early in the third quarter. Two minutes later, Ray Small ran a kickoff 96 yards through the Wisconsin tacklers for the game’s last touchdown.

In the half, Pryor attempted only one pass. The Buckeyes rushed for 97 yards and produced 184 yards of total offense.

Even though Pryor and the offense missed several opportunities to put the game out of reach in the second half, the defense was never seriously threatened over the final 30 minutes.

Comments

  1. formerlyanonymous says

    I thought this was serious for a minute. I saw “Pryor’s courageous” and got sucked in there before reading the top.

    Now that I know what it was about, that’s awesome.

  2. It’s good to have you back, SM!!

    I heard that Ray Small felt Pryor’s will willing him to the endzone. Pure, unadulterated, concussion-induced will.

  3. The fact is, Ray Small’s touchdown should be attributed to Pryor. It’s only fair when someone scores because of the will of another teammate.

  4. I had a pretty good bowel movement this afternoon. I’m pretty sure it was Pryor’s All-Everything leadership that motivated me to success.

  5. Wow…that was awesome.

    Folks over at scout.com forums are in meltdown mode over the offensive performance.

    OSU won, bottom line.

    Why?

    There were many reasons, but the big one was because Pryor played better than the Wisconsin guy…

  6. [sarcasm]I wish I was 10% the man Pryor and his soon-to-be-accepted two Heisman Trohpies and his ultra-heroic will is.

    Masterful article for a masterful player with a massive, touchdown-producing will to win.[/sarcasm]

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