Fowler: Welcome to the GameDay College Football Preview, here on ESPN. 2008 is shaping up to be another great season for college football, and not just for the SEC.
I’m Chris Fowler, here with my coanchors Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, and Mark May. Later we’ll be joined by Desmond Howard and our old pal Kirk Herbstreit.
All co-anchors: Hi.
Fowler: Let’s start with the Dr. Pepper First QuestionTM: How many points will the SEC champion win the national championship by? Mark?
May: That’s an excellent question, Chris. Tim Tebow will lead the Gators to a two-touchdown victory over the USC Trojans.
Corso: Wow. Gutsy call, Mark. I like your prediction, but I think the Gators will squeeze a close one – a close one – at the expense of those crazy Buckeye nut players from Ohio State. (Holds fingers close together) But only by a field goal, my friend. By a field goal.
Fowler: Ohio State, huh? You’re sticking with that (snickers) program?
Corso: Why not? Lou knows what I’m talking about, don’t ya coach?
Holtz: Huh? Oh, yeth. I’m gonna tell ya, the Eth E Thee is a great conference, gotta lotta great players, but they don’t have Beanie Wells. I think the Buckeyes win by threeve.
Fowler: Threeve isn’t a number, you diapered dolt. Just for that, I’m putting you down for Georgia by a touchdown. Moving on…
Holtz: But Geor–
Fowler: MOVING. ON…. sheesh. Speaking of the Big Ten, we’ve got Kirk Herbstreit and Desmond Howard here with us, on the EA Sports Video ScreenTM. How goes it, Kirk? How well do you see the season shaping up for the slowpo– er, the players from up north?
Herbstreit: Excellent. Jim Tressel has put together what might be his most talented team yet —
May: Heh. “Team.” (snickers)
Herbstreit: –uh… deepest group of players, too. We know Chris Wells is going to be a great back, but in my opinion, the team hinges on second year starter quarterback Todd Boeckman.
May: Heh. “Quarterback.” (snickers)
Herbstreit: Mark, what is your problem?
May: Look, Kirk, Georgia will win the national title. Mark it down.
Fowler: Uh, Mark, you already picked Florida to win.
May: Florida, Georgia, whatever. Same difference.
Holtz: The two teams are very differ–
Fowler: Shut up, old man.
Howard: Lots of folks are down on Michigan this year, which I don’t understand at all. Now that Rich Rodriguez is in Ann Arbor, I expect to see Pat White put up a lot of yards – challenge some of those defensive backs in the Big Ten.
Herbstreit: Nobody should overlook Wisconsin, either.
Corso: Who? (puzzled; quietly, to Chris) Wisconsin has a football team now?
Fowler: While we’re wasting our time on the Big Ten, we’d like to have a few words with Joe Paterno, via the On-Star GMC Truck Audio Chat LineTM. And because he’s old, and the Big Ten is stuck in the middle ages, I shall speak to him in Ye Olde English. Master Paterno, how fare thee?
Paterno: WHAT? I can’t hear. Am I on?
Fowler: While thoust combatants are of youthful mirth, canst thou sprang from yesteryear’s fallacies and improve thus?
Paterno: What? Who is this?
Fowler: Yon gentlemen claim to sport a fresh approach, but can ye defense against a flank of youths in a formation that is spreadth wider than the protuberances of yon wench-for-hire?
Paterno: (To someone on his end) I can’t understand what he’s saying. I dunno, I think he’s speaking German or something. Did you dial the right number?
Herbstreit: This is insulting. He’s a legend, for crying out loud.
May: Shut up, Kirk. (snickers) My turn, lemme try. Uh, Coach? How-eth do-eth you-eth win-eth yon games of football? Eth? (snickers)
Fowler: Enough, I declare. Fare thee well, and get sprang. (Hangs up)
Holtz: That wasn’t very nice at all.
Fowler: One more word out of you, grandpa, and I’m putting olive oil in your Ensure again. Got it?
Corso: Whoo! In his Ensure! Hee hee!!!
Herbstreit: This is so pathetic, I can’t do this anymore.
May: C’mon Kirk, we’re just having a little goof.
Herbstreit: Expire in yon flames, Markus.
Howard: You guys shouldn’t have done that to Coach Paterno. How many times do you get to meet someone who was in Lawrence of Arabia, anyway?
Fowler: Alright, can it, ladies. Here’s the Bud Light Last QuestionTM: Who will win the Heisman Trophy as the year’s best SEC player? Lou?
Holtz: …
Fowler: SIKE. Just kidding. I pulled your microphone plug. Mark?
May: Sam Bradford will win the trophy for his national champion Oklahoma Sooners.
Corso: Not so fast! I’m going with Adam Sandler. Did you see the way he bulldozed his way through the SEC last year? Awesome, my friend!! And so funny. He was all like ‘HIIIYAAAA’ and ‘STOP LAUGHING AT ME!” Hee heee!!!!
Herbstreit: I am surrounded by idiots.
Alberts: Hi guys!
Fowler: Trev?!? How’d you get in here? How’d you get past security?
Alberts: Easy. I just had to sponsor something. I came up in the Trev Alberts Express ElevatorTM.
May: Trevor?!?
Herbstreit: …every goldarn year… I can’t take it anymore. I’m so glad I came prepared (takes jacket off, reveals Tressel-style sweatervest, complete with wires and explosives)
Alberts: Did someone call my name?
May: Alright, Trev, it’s me… I know you can hear me. Let’s just get past this awkward moment, shall we?
Alberts: All I hear is a faint buzzing.
Howard: Kirk, that’s a nice vest. Are the wires for your microphones when you do your baseball play-by-play or something?
Holtz: …
Herbstreit: (murmuring quietly, fiddling with wires) Our father, who art in heaven…
Corso: C’mon, kiss and make up, lovebirds.
May: (wipes away tear) Not until he apologizes… *sniff*
Alberts: NEVER!!
May: Alright! I’ll do it!! I apologize already!!
Holtz: …
Alberts: Oh, Mark! (they embrace)
Corso: YYYYES!!!… you owe me fifty bucks, Chris! Told ya Mark would cave! Pay up, sucker!!
Fowler: Crap!
Herbstreit: *BANG*
Holtz: …
Howard: Oh, yuk, Kirk. Uh… (looks around) does this mean Brent could use a new partner now?
Fowler: Well, that about wraps it up. For the old man, the misters Alberts, and the estate of Kirk Herbstreit, I’m Chris Fowler, and we’ll see you on GameDay. Go SEC.
ahh yes. ive missed these.