ESPN ships eleventy-billion dollars to SEC. SEC ADs spend immediately on Jorts, Corn Dogs, and a Case of Lucky Strikes

Not sure if you heard the news

EPSN has locked broadcasting rights to all of the SEC games that are not covered by CBS. Eisner’s Army ponied up a total of 2.25 billion dollars for the next 15 years of…SHESH-SHEE-SHEE SHPEED…

This means a few things to college football, ESPN, and the world in general…

  1. First off…ESPN played this one smart. According to the Mayan calendar, we are all toast on 12/21/2012. They get “all SEC…all the time” until the rapture.
  2. The SEC Network came and went so fast…ahem…that’s too easy.
  3. ESPN the Ocho is one step closer to becoming a reality and will feature Ole Miss every week. Comcast and Time Warner will add this channel to their respective line-ups immediately…for no apparent financial benefit.
  4. Jefferson-Pilot Broadcasters will move to ESPN and join Speilman for all ESPN2 SEC 12PM ET broadcasts. In all likelihood, Speilman will tear off one of the two Daves’ arms and beat both of them to death with it before the sixth week of the season.
  5. Stuart Scott will now be destined to perform color commentary for SEC games. God help us all…
  6. College Gameday will perform a weekly spotlight piece on proper sun-dress wear at SEC games compared to the standard “Fat Chick in Draper jersey” seen with extreme regularity at the Big House.
  7. ESPN will re-hire (he is obviously not busy) Nick Lachey to sing the alma mater of the visiting team on top of each home team SEC stadium, which will lead to the SEC’s weekly version of the “Nick Lachey’s The Running Man”
  8. All commericals during ESPN SEC broadcasts will consist of the following: Atlanta Braves on TBS, Chik-fil-a, Wrangler Jeans (with Dale Jr…duh) and a modest portion of Sham-WOW spots.
  9. College Football Live will turn off spell-check on messages (you know the ones that show during each of the segments) originating from SEC states. Ironlically, these messages will look a lot like a result of JoePa smashing his Blackberry with a tack hammer. More irony, Paul Pozluzny made like 15 more tackles and threw his Butkus award at AJ Hawk (as he was making another solo tackle), while I was writing this elegant piece of literary mediocrity.
  10. Chris Fowler, Corso, and Herbie will now sport “the Flop” as the hair style of choice (See every male student at Auburn or Alabama) to cater the growing demographic. Jorts will be discussed, but Corso refuses to sport the jorts, due to fears of a potential baby arm sighting from the bottom of his favorite pair of Daisy Dukes. Desmond will be required to shave racing stripes in his hair to achieve the look of SEC D-Lineman fast, which just isnt possible with his BigTeleven roots.
  11. A new ticker will run at the bottom of the screen on Saturdays listing the 40 times of every player that has ever played in the SEC. Sponsored by Dr. Pepper.

If this doesnt get you pumped up for a Youngstown State game, to quote a great doctor …”you are lifeless and dead”.


  1. The people want to see champions, not whiners.

    And we switched to Marlboros in 1993. Shows what you know, genius.

    The USA loves winners. Suck on, minor 10.

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