Meeting for drinks at the end of the season


[ open on interior, Big Ten Coaches’ Private Pub & Lounge ]


Carr: Hey, do you fellas know a… a guy by the name Vernon Gholston?!!

Tressel: Yeah, I know Vernon Gholston!

Paterno: Best darn lineman in Division I-A!

Tressel: Goes about 7’1″, 265, he does.

Carr: And that’s before he eats breakfast!!

Paterno: He insists on being called THE Vernon Gholston!

Tressel: He scared Gary Danielson out of the press box and all the way to the SEC!

Carr: [ holds glass in air ] To Vernon Gholston!

Together: Vernon Gholston!!

Tressel: Did I ever tell you about the time Vernon Gholston went to Wisconsin?!

Paterno: [ drunkenly confessing ] My third testicle has left me completely sterile.

[ uncomfortable silence ]


Tressel: …Anyway… Vernon Gholston decides he’s going to beat the snot out of Bucky Badger! He goes over to the mascot and starts whalin’ and poundin!! Someone stops him and says, “Hey! That’s a girl in that costume!” Vernon Gholston just wiped the blood off his knuckles and said, “Hey. Woulda happened sometime.”

Carr: He breastfeeds Charlie Weis!

Tressel: He’s been dead for three years now. No one’s noticed and I’m not saying anything!

Paterno: Goes about 8’10”, 590, he does.

Carr: His right bicep is ranked 17th in the AP College Football Poll!

Paterno: He singlehandedly fought back thousands of Persian warriors at Thermopylae! Two thousand years later, they go to make a movie about it, and called it “1.” But once in post-production, they decided the story sounded too far-fetched, so they made up a story about an army of Gholstons. Three hundred of them, to be exact.

Carr: I remember that!! It did pretty good at the box office.

Tressel: [ thrusting glass in the air ] To Vernon Gholston!

Together: Vernon Gholston!!

Carr: Did I ever tell about the time Vernon Gholston came to play Michigan?

Tressel: [ drunkenly confessing ] I’m wanted on indecent exposure charges in seven states.

[ uncomfortable silence ]


Carr: …Anyway… During halftime, he went up to one of our wolverine mascots, grabbed its head and screamed “Say, ‘I’m a faerie ballerina!!’ SAY IT!!” Then he squished its head in such a manner that it made a sound like “imafarybulreena.” It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a wolverine!!

Tressel: He cured Parkinson’s during his final exam in intro biology!

coachesBar2.jpgPaterno: He’s 713 years old!

Tressel: He tutored Greg Oden in the third grade!

Carr: Goes about 9’3″, 720, he does.

Paterno: He’ll eat an SEC team for breakfast and poop out a MAC team approximately six hours later.

Carr: [ almost tossing glass into the air ] To Vernon Gholston!

Together: Vernon Gholston!!

Paterno: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Chad Henne dared Vernon Gholston to stare straight at the Sun?!?

Carr: [ drunkenly confessing ] I cry myself to sleep every night of OSU week.

[ uncomfortable silence ]


Paterno: …Anyway… the Biceps turned and stared straight at the Sun. He didn’t blink or take his eyes off it! He stood there all day like a statue, until sunset, until the Sun’s rays burned a hole! Straight. Through. His. Skull!! Then he turned to Hart with a huge smoldering hole in his head and said, “You look like crap, Fatty McSucksicle! Now fetch me a beer, and tell your girlfriend it’s time to give me another backrub!!”

Carr: His pant cuffs have never been wet!

Paterno: Goes about 10’1″, 850, he does.

Tressel: In 1985 he had a bowel movement. He called it Troy Smith and it went on to win a Heisman!

Carr: He once tackled the Sousaphone player running to dot the I in script Ohio, thinking he was Mike Hart!

Paterno: To Vernon Gholston!

Together: Vernon Gholston!!

coachesBar3.jpgBig Booming Voice: [ comes from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] I’M Vernon Gholston!! WHO WANTS A DRINK?!

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Vernon Gholston]


by el Kaiser & sportsMonkey


  1. as stated so eloquently before, “he’s got thighs hanging off of his chest!”

    good stuff man!

  2. bup bup bup says


  3. hilarious.

  4. The Troy Smith one nearly made me wet myself. Great job with this!

  5. Vernon Gholston once grabbed George Lucas by the throat and demanded he diminish the role of JarJar Binks in Star Wars – The War Of The Clones.

  6. Ah! The BBC brings up an interesting challenge. Anyone else got a line to add about Gholston?

  7. Vernon Gholston built 2 of the 3 pyramids in Giza.

  8. vernon gholston gargles with sulfuric acid to wash the taste of children’s tears out of his mouth, and vice versa. it’s a neverending cycle of pain

  9. Words. Fail. Me.

  10. Gentlemen, by far this was hilarious. Great script. Has anyone suggested making a Youtube movie take on this script? it would be an instant classic on Youtube.


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